More Ideas That Died On The Drawing Board

Hundred Dollar Matches: How many times, in how many circumstances, have you seen a high roller pull out a hundred dollar bill, set it aflame, and light up his big fat cigar? Pretty effective, huh? Hobart Pubst thought so too. He set about pitching his idea to novelty and specialty stores for the Hundred Dollar Matches. They were actual $100 bills rolled tightly, with a special match head at one end for striking (an amazing development, Pubst thought, not having to light the actual bill that lit up the stogie). When working out the final logistics, any way they looked at it, a book of matches was going to cost $2000.15. Ix-nay on the atches-may.

Sockdals©: In what may be one of the strangest fashion ideas in history - and believe me, folks, there've been a load of them - the FineFoot, Inc, company came up with the idea for socks worn specifically with sandals. These socks were cut in the same pattern as the sandal; therefore, one had the basic thong sock, the two-strap mule sock, the open-toe with backstrap, etc. FineFoot, Inc was sure that, at its debut in London in 1965, the sockdal would be the hit of the summer season. Not only were they disdained for being a "one-style stocking" (ie, one couldn't wear one's open-toe with backstrap sockdal with one's basic thong sandal), but people just outright laughed at them. Two weeks later in New York, after a model hung herself backstage while trying to put on the "knee-high strapped Roman sockdal," this fashion faux pas died a quick death.

No-Burn Sliding Board: Ahh, the playground. Where we've all seen shorts-wearing bare-legged children climb a sliding board filled with the anticipation of fun, only to reach the ground again blubbering in tears with a burned backside from the slide. Well, the city of West Progression, Oregon sought to stop such a traumatic experience for the kiddies by commissioning the first-ever No-Burn Sliding Board. After much research and trial and error, the scientists on the project fashioned a liner for the board. It was made rather like a 10-ft long Tuck's medicated hemorrhoid pad. In fact, it was made exactly like one. In fact, that's what it was. There were a myriad of problems. First and foremost, it seriously slowed up the sliding process. Kids everywhere hate that. Also, while most kids liked the "cool, swimmy" feeling of the witch hazel, they all pouted when they got up from the slide with a case of the damp-ass. Then there was the smell. No one likes a kid that smells like hemorrhoids. Case closed.

Tellovision: There's one thing you can say about Phil Wirtz. He likes to talk TV. Ask anyone he's cornered on the street and regaled with the latest episode of "Law & Order" or "Scrubs." He went to a major television cable conglomerate (who asked not to be named) with his idea for a special cable channel called Tellovision. It would consist of a daily schedule of the programs we all love. However, instead of tuning in and seeing the program, we'd tune in and see Phil, behind a desk, telling us what happens in the episdoe. Say, you like "Friends?" Tune in at 8pm Thursdays. See and hear Phil say, "And then Rachel comes in the room and says, 'Ross?! Not Ross! Never Ross!' And Joey's standing there all confused, and the audience is laughing like their sides are gonna split!" The cable conglomerate (who pleaded with us not to be named, really) ran a test broadcast of a week of programs, and asked those viewers to submit their comments via index cards. Comments ran from "The stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life" to "I hope Phil Wirtz rots in hell." But most of the cards just said, "Why?"

The Party Stirrup: There are loads of old wives' tales about drunkenness and what to do about it. Hair of the dog, Alka-selzter before bed, a healthy dose of Pepto before the drinking starts...the list is endless. Of all these remedies, there is one widely accepted above all others. Go to bed drunk, be sure to keep one foot flat on the floor. It will keep the drunkard from spinning out of bed into a heaving, hurling pile. Sounds easy enough. However, ever go to bed swarpin'-ass drunk and try to keep a foot flat on the floor all night? Why, even awake you can't remember where your feet are - if you can even feel them - and asleep, who has control of a foot, leg, or anything else? That's why Guzzletime came up with the Party Stirrup. The Party Stirrup is a metal stirrup attached to the floor. The boozer, after tucking him/herself in, lays the fateful leg out of the bed, and places a foot in the stirrup, thus keeping it immobile and floor-bound the whole night through, also keeping the old reprobate asleep and sick-free. A great idea on paper. However, in actual usage, there were injuries from broken legs when the sleepers started to toss and turn to broken noses when the recently awakened hopped out of bed and, being tethered, were thrown face down on the floor. Several claims for soiled/urine ruined mattresses were made against Guzzletime, and one poor soul gave himself something of a penisectomy with the device, though no one's really sure of the facts on this.

The Nonmagic 8 Ball: Sometimes a really dumb idea can net a man millions. Think Pet Rock. William L. Hutswaggle thought it. And came up with his stab at fame and fortune, the Nonmagic 8 Ball. Of course, we all remember the Magic 8 Ball from our childhoods. Ask 8 Ball a question; give it a good shake. Turn it over, and you've got an answer to your question from the plastic prognosticator. With the Nonmagic 8 Ball the drill is the same. Ask Nonmagic 8 Ball a question; give it a good shake. Turn it over, and you've got...nothing. Not a friggin' thing. You have the bottom of an 8 Ball. Brunswick, The Pool Table People, threatened to sue before the project was barely completed - they said the Nonmagic 8 Ball was a copyright infringement upon their 8 Balls. The real death of the Nonmagic 8 Ball, however, was the test group, the children corralled to play with the toy for an hour. Ever seen a 6'4", 230-lb man felled by a roomful of 8 year olds? It's not a pretty sight.

Good God Gumdrops: A candy treat that took all the fun out of candy treats. The idea of Hazel Leffel. Bless her heart. All she wanted to do was combine her love of the Lord with her love for candymaking. She came up with the idea of a fortune cookie of sorts, a piece of candy kids would love that would contain a scripture verse or some religious advice inside. Her favorite candy, and she was convinced, the favorite of kids everywhere, was the gumdrop. And since all her life she'd heard the happy phrase "goody goody gumdrops," and decided to call her candy "Good God Gumdrops." Hazel was a persistent woman. The prototype for the drops failed miserably. One can't exactly crack open a gumdrop to pull out a scripture inside. So people were biting the bible verses, chewing them, swallowing them, they were impossible to pull out of the gumdrops, well, it was a mess. After being turned down by numerous candy companies, Hazel rethought the idea, and came up with a dye to print the religious sayings right on the outside of the gumdrop. Imagine people's surprise at picking a nice green gummy out of the box, only to read on it, "Premarital Sex Leads to Hell," or "This Gumdrop Could Choke You. Pray Hard." It was generally accepted that actually eating the paper verses was the better deal. Hazel was banned from all candymaking activities.