And Now...Ladies and Gentlemen...The Also Rans!

There’s an old joke in Football Land. It goes something like, well, if you’re from around here, anyway, “My two favorite teams are Virginia Tech and whoever’s playing UVA.” It’s the same joke wherever you’re from too, just change the two teams.

That’s how I feel about the 2004 elections. I’m for whoever’s against George Bush.

Now, I’m sure that’s no big revelation. I hate Republicans and I’ve hated George W Bush since I first laid eyes on his sniveling little weasel face. I hated his dad, and I hate his brother Jeb. Hell, I’m not even too fond of Millie, and you all know how much I like dogs. But I guess she can’t help who bought her, so I try to be understanding.

But now it’s Election Time again, when we get to see the herds of Democrats thinking they might have a chance to be president all jump in the ring together, and there’s much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and slinging of mud, and throwing of punches, and they all beat the shit out of each other till, when it’s finally time to pick one to run against the incumbent president, he’s so punchdrunk and downtrodden he can’t remember if he ever had a stance on the issues, much less what they might have been.

It seems to happen every four years. Except for that one wondrous year when Clinton was the incumbent. I still don’t know quite how that happened, other than God smiled and the poles slipped, and we actually won one.

Anyway. This year the herd is a bunch of nondescript white guys and a very descript black guy. Till recently there was a black woman, but she said “enough” and threw her support to one of the nondescript white guys.

I don’t know why – really, I do have no idea why – but for some reason I keep gravitating towards John Edwards. I don’t know if it’s because he looks something like a farm boy gone Ivy League, or if it’s because he’s from North Carolina, or if it's that his face is very very clean. In any case, if I had to pick a personal favorite, at this point it would be Edwards.

Dean is OK too, though there were those reports of his UFO involvement at one time. I never did get the whole poop on that one, he believes in UFOs, he’s been in a UFO, had an anal probe by a UFO, is a UFO. Something like that. It must not have been much because it didn’t stick around long enough for me to even surf the net and find out exactly what his quote on the subject was. And it didn’t garner him the reputation as “the goofy one,” although, as long as Kucinich is in the race, I think no one else will be known as that.

I gotta tell you though, something I do like where Dean’s concerned. His wife. His wife, who until yesterday I’d never seen before. Because she has a job! She works; she’s a doctor. I love the idea of a working First Lady. “Keep Mrs Putin company while you're in conference with her husband? Sorry dear, I have a gallbladder at 3:30. See you."

Add to that the fact that when I did see her, she had a little acne and was wearing no makeup, and that put me over the edge. That’s a First Lady I could get behind.

And after those two, they all run together. Gephardt is the equivalent of bologna on white bread with mayo. Only the bread is moldy because he’s been around so damn long. Same with Kerry. And normally, after someone’s been around that long, and lost so many times, you’d think they’d have no future at all. Because they’ve become, well, losers. Or so I thought. Last night proved me wrong on that front. Well, right and wrong. Moldy White Bread With Bologna and Mayonnaise Gephardt finally got the message after another loss and excused himself. But I’ll be damned if Moldy White Bread With Bologna and Miracle Whip Kerry didn't win the damn thing. No accounting for taste, especially in Iowa. I guess, bologna on white bread folks they are, they thought they’d go a little daring and take a chance on a rebel like Kerry.

For me, of what’s left, maybe Wes Clark would come in third. To me he’s the “flying under the radar” candidate. Who knows anything about him? I sure as hell don’t, except that Madonna’s supporting him, which should help him out in the “slutty moms who can’t sing and like to pretend they’re British” demographic. Then there’s Lieberman, probably the only of the bunch I outright dislike, for the way he immediately stuck his nose up Bush’s ass the minute Bush was declared the winner in 2000, and also for the fact that he has this vendetta against the entertainment industry. Which don’t get me wrong, the entertainment industry is filled with its share of morally corrupt people, but guess what – so is politics.

Which brings us down to Kucinich and Sharpton, or as I like to call them, comic relief. I mean, bless Dennis’ heart, he’s a goofy sort, but seems nice enough, needing a date and wanting to establish a Department of Peace and all. I don’t know how nice the people of Cleveland think he is, after he bankrupted their city back when he was mayor, but then again, he was only about 30 or so, and let’s be honest, what did you know at 30, huh?

And Al Sharpton. He’s, well, he’s Al Sharpton, for God’s sake. Over the last couple of decades he’s made himself into a cartoon, and as for his chances of being anything in the world of politics, one only need say the following two words: Tawana Brawley.

So, there you have it. I like Edwards. I like Dean’s wife. I really like Clinton. Damn, if Bill could run again I’d vote for him tomorrow. Twice.

But mainly, I like whoever can oust Bush.