A Mystic Movie Review

(WARNING: this blog contains spoilers in regards to a famous major motion picture. One that's nominated for an Academy Award. So if you haven't seen it and don't want to know the outcome, or you're just tired of hearing me crab-ass for a night, you might want to give this one a pass.)

I went to the movies tonight. I went to see, in an effort to get some Academy Award nominees viewed, "Mystic River." There were forces against me on this trip to the movies, however.

You know the phrase "it didn't help any?" You know, "I had a bad time on vacation. Of course, it didn't help any that the airport lost my luggage, and there was a hurricane." Well, several things tonight didn't help my movie experience any.

First of all, it didn't help any that the theatre was more crowded than I expected. In fact, to be honest, I was kind of expecting to be the only person there, seeing as how it was a cold and icy Thursday night. That happens a lot on cold icy Thursday nights, especially with movies that have already been to the theatre once. But there were a goodly number of souls there, and I chose a youngish-to-middle-aged couple to sit in front of. They laughed a lot. I was sure it was at me.

They were conversing and chomping popcorn. Yes, it was chomping, I could hear it two rows up. Then for some reason the woman decided a belch would be in order. And so she did. And they laughed and laughed and laughed. Now, I can see laughing at a belch if it slips out by accident in a public place, or if you see some other poor schlub doing it. But she forced this belch out, you could tell, and it seemed to just make their evening. Oh well, at least they were happy.

It also didn't help that the lights in the theatre wouldn't go down. The previews all ran through, no dimming lights, then the movie started, no dimming lights. I want my movies dark, dammit! Finally, maybe 25 minutes into proceedings, things started to dim. But it was too late; I was already irked.

Oh! Oh! It also didn't help things that every preview ended too soon. So soon that we never saw the titles. "Yes, coming this spring, the story of a lifetime, the story you'll never forget-" *cut* "In New York City, a cop has to be tough-" *cut* Yep, there are some big movies coming around in the next few months, but I couldn't tell you a title to one of them.

And next, and sadly, it didn't help things that this movie had its problems. I mean, after the dead body was recovered and the murder investigation begins, the momentumobile that is "Mystic River" couldn't have hit the wall any harder than if it had been filled with crash test dummies. I watched Sean Penn with interest, though, I don't like him or dislike him as a person, or an actor, for that matter; I just find his acting to always be interesting.

And finally, there was one final thing that didn't help. It didn't help a damn bit.

I was starting to figure out where this was all going. And that's not necessarily a brag. It was pretty clear early on that Sean Penn's character and his thuggo family were going to find the murderer of his daughter, kill the shit out of him (which I guess is much worse than just killing him), and then - tragedy of tragedies - find out they killed an innocent man. It was just a matter of which one they were going to kill and which one actually did it.

So just when I was thinking I knew who didn't do it (and thus would die), and maybe who could have done it, a lady three rows back of me and to the right whispers to her companion... Now when I say "whispers," I mean whispers so loud it's actually louder than you or I having a normal conversation. You know what I mean. When someone's in the library whispering, "We need to be quiii-eetttt," and you can hear them down the street. That kind of whispering.

Anyway, here is what she whispers: "No!! April said the mute boy is who killed her!"

Well, thank you, April, and thank you lady. You can both kiss my shiny ass.

And so I was left to endure knowing the outcome, dealing with the fact that it was a really stupid plot twist, and then! then! having insult added to injury by the weirdass and silly final two scenes of the film.

And then it was over. And I knew I had to come home and give it stars on my movie list.

It's getting three, but I'm tellin' ya now: If this and "Master and Commander" are two of the best five films of the year, 2003 at the Movies had to have been as shitty as it was at my house.