The Return (again) of Nervous William, pt 1

There are things that seem to be constants in my life. Some are good, and some aren't so good. I know I will eventually get quite depressed. However, I also know that somehow I'll work myself out of it and be OK again. I know I'll get frustrated with the clarinet and my playing, and throw the horn on the couch, saying I'm never going to play again, then I'll pick it up, gingerly, and start playing again till I enjoy it.

But turn that equation around. I also know that I'll be going along, minding my own business, thinking everything's OK and I'm in, if not a happy place, then at least the place I'm supposed to be, and who will show up in my life but Nervous William. He's a constant; a little bubble hovering over my head who will eventually pop into real life before me.

Some of you know who Nervous William is already, you've (and thank you folks, I love you for it) had me pour my heart out about him to you previously. But I've never really blogged about him except in passing. In passing, probably, to tell you he'd showed up in my life again and Great Bouncing Icebergs, what the hell was I gonna do about it?

I've known Nervous William forever. Since we were kids. He was always the flamboyant one, talking too loud and too fast and waving his arms around. By the time we got to high school he was, if not one of my immediate clique of friends, certainly right on the peripherals of it. We never said "gay" back when I was in high school, there was no "gay." Guys like that were just "sissy." And most of the guys that we hung around with were sissies. Some of them went on to become gay; some didn't.

Anyway, after high school, we parted ways, NW went to art school in Pittsburgh, then migrated to Atlanta, we lost touch, and I didn't really care. I mean, don't get me wrong. I always liked William. Even with all the bitchiness and dishiness (and there was a lot - and I've been at the barbed end of it sometimes), there was something basically endearing about him. He could be very sweet. He was also a little crazy. And in the general catching up one does with people one sees from school, I found out he'd been "confined" a couple of times in sanitariums. As people are. I didn't give it much thought, to be honest.

On one of his breaks from art school, Nerv came to my house and asked if we could hang out one night. I said, sure, why not, and subsequently spent the evening in his car, driving around all over the place, with him running off at the mouth. He came out to me. "Yes, I can tell you this because you're one of the only people cool enough to understand it. I am gay." And hey, fine with me, I suspected it for years and who gives a fig. And if that makes someone think I'm cool for it, hey, all the better! He told me the nature of his "confinements" (he was apparently having trouble coming to grips with this orientation, and therefore tried to break into a church to gain Eternal Salvation). He begged me to come to art school with him, telling me how much fun it was and how great I'd do there. And for some reason I cannot define, that was the exact point at which my wariness of Nervous William began. I still liked him, I just didn't really feel that comfortable with him.

Needless to say, I didn't go away to art school (and look what it did for my fabulous career!!), and he did, and we lost touch for some time, even after he finished his sojourns and moved back into town. Then again, out of the blue, he showed up at my doorstep. Asking me to have lunch with him. And I was wary again, but he cajoled and I said yes.

And we had a ball. Honestly did. We went to lunch and sat in a back booth, smoking clove cigarettes and dishing about people we knew, we laughed like crazy, and it was a great time. And soon it became a, well, if not a regular, then a semi-regular occurrence, moving to dinners instead of lunches. We'd have dinner out every couple of weeks, talk, laugh, and it was OK.

And Nervous William was sweet. He'd send me flowers for no reason, and cards for no occasion, just to say "hi." And I'd remark to my friend Sandy, who reads too much into every situation, "You know, he really is a thoughtful guy." And she would say, "Elizabeth (as she says when I'm in trouble), I think he's being more than a thoughtful guy here. I think you need to have a talk with William." And I'd laugh and say pshaw, because she reads too much into every situation, right?

But then the phone started ringing too much. And that bothered me. See, there's something about me that I may as well explain, be it good or bad. I like having friends. Like it a lot, love having someone to hang out with. When I want to. When I don't, I like being by myself, doing my things, and with no interruptions from you, thank you very much. And that's never gotten me into trouble before, because I think basically a lot people are like that to an extent. NW is apparently not one of those people. And so the phone rang too much.

The calls were about nothing and about everything. Every crisis, every wonder, every thought he seemed to have at the moment. If I didn't answer the phone, it would continue ringing, 18, 28, 38 times, till I finally answered, and Wills told me everything on his mind. And I listened.

And one night I listened, ecstatically, when he told me he'd found the girl he wanted to date. Until he informed me it was me. I hemmed and hawed and tried to tell him that was the last thing he wanted, and he interrupted me to say "Let's go out to dinner Friday and we can talk about it then."

And at that dinner, it was the first time that I can remember that I was just flat-out honest with someone, no matter what the consequences. I told him no, no dating, not interested, you're my buddy, but no. And his bottom lip went out and he said, "But why?" I gave him two answers: "1) Because we're friends and that's all, and 2) Because you're gay."

He took offense at #2, and decided to argue the point, which was quite silly since just a month or so before he'd showed me a picture of a naked man he kept in his wallet. And it was at that exact point I realized this boy had problems I couldn't help him with. And when he asked, "Does this mean I'm not going to see you again?" there was a big flash above the door of the restaurant, it was red and said not only "Exit" but also "This way out of the hell that your life will one day become - take this door now!" And I, looking right at it, said, "No, we're still friends, sure we'll see each other." And the lights stopped flashing and I didn't go out that door.

And for a while things slowed down. But not for long. I started to decline the dinner invitations after a while, but the phone calls and visits wouldn't stop. They got worse. I couldn't walk in the door that the phone wasn't ringing and NW was at the other end.

Then one day Wills showed up at my door. I didn't let him in, but he stood outside it and rambled for upwards of 30 minutes before I finally politely backed out and got the door closed. Then around 6:30 that evening, I got The Phone Call.

The Phone Call started out as a rambling mess of garbage I could not for the life of me figure out. Then it started to fall into place. He said he'd bought me a puppy and he was going to bring it to me. He said he had something else for me too; a large diamond engagement ring. I started to cry. "William, please don't do this. Please do not do this to me." Then all hell broke loose. He started with a flurry of rage and expletives. And then finally, somewhere, I came out with a string of my own rage at him. And afterwards, I hung up the phone.

He called me back. He was completely different. He was pleading, begging me to forgive him. He was worried that I was so upset, I'd make myself sick. He said he was coming over to my house to make sure I was alright. I told him if I saw him within 100 ft of my house I'd call the police. I hung up.

And it was at that exact point that I realized, "I need to extricate this person from my life from now on."

And the next day, Nervous William went away for awhile. For about 3 months or so, in "confinement."

Pt 2 coming tomorrow....