Some Absolutely Wonderful Things About Watching The Westminster Dog Show On TV

* Seeing $50,000 dogs that look like mutts

* Seeing women handlers in sequined ball gowns and diamonds, and brown orthopedic oxfords

* It's a mop! No, it's a dog!

* Imagining what it must be like judging a breed - 20 dogs that all look exactly alike

* Holding out a hopeful fantasy that one night a dog will bite a judge in the face

* Dogs who smile

* It's a toupee! No, it's a dog!

* Getting to see dogs picked up by their tails

* Recalling Fred Willard's commentary in "Best In Show" ("Maybe that bloodhound ought to have a Sherlock Holmes hat... and a pipe!")

* Dogs who have names like Champion Prince Kuvlier Went Down To The Store To Buy A Tin Of Tobacco And Came Home With A Lady Of Ill Repute - but his owners call him "Tip"

* It's an ottoman! No, it's a dog!

* Finding that a champion can in fact rule and drool - lots

* Doggies! Everywhere you look - doggies!