Bleh

OK, how many "Freaks and Geeks" fans out there? How many out there who really really want the super-deluxe DVD set, that's made up like the kids' yearbook and has all kinds of special features, including fan commentary? How many out there really really want it bad, but just had to fork out over $400 to get their CD player back in their car, plus are still stuck paying medical bills for another three months?

I've been thinking a lot about "Freaks and Geeks" lately because I've finally been finishing up "Kick Me: Adventures In Adolesence," the memior/book of essays by Paul Feig, creator of the show. I read it pretty voraciously for a while, then it slowed off to where it became something of a "doctor's office" book.

The book is amazing in that I can pretty much see an episode of the show in every story he tells from his childhood. And it's made me nostalgic for the show. And so that's probably why I've been thinking about this:

Remember the episode that started out with the three Geek boys, Sam, Neil, and Bill, in Sam's kitchen mixing an inedible cocktail they'll soon be paying Bill to drink? The entire contents of Mrs Weir's kitchen are strewn out on the table, with Bill sitting at the table's head, staring a blender face to face. Only he's not staring, because if I recall correctly, he's blindfolded.

And so Sam and Neil start putting everything in the free world into this blender, everything of course save for peanuts, to which we all know Bill is deathly allergic. They blend it all together, wincing and bleching and giggling, and remove the top and give it to Bill. Who calmly drinks it down like it's a newly-mixed milk shake. As Sam and Neil wretch, Bill looks around nonchalantly like, "Hey, not bad."

Lately, well, since April 5th, I've been discovering the world of protein drinks. And a wicked world it is, let me tell you.

Protein seems to be a big post-surgery thing. It supposedly helps your incisions heal quicker, your hair to keep from falling out, and your muscles from turning into whatever it is muscles turn into when a person is just lying around yelling, "Ow, my incision." Right after I got out of the hospital I didn't think much about it. I was happy if I could choke down a little jello, a sugar-free popsicle, or some peanut butter on a spoon (three things all of which now make me wretch, btw). I had a protein drink at that time, but seeing as how I could only drink a thimbleful at a sitting, it made no impact on me whatsoever.

However, now I'm up and about and back to whatever passes for normal in my life, I realized things had to change. This was brought swiftly to my attention by TT, a client, buddy, and post surgery person herself. I was whining to her one day, and she gave me a very stern talking to (she's a funny lady, but she can get stern, believe me). She basically told me I wasn't eating enough, drinking enough, or getting enough protein. And when I tried to plead my case about how I was getting protein in every meal, she countered back with grams needed and grams getting, and well, I just couldn't fight TT. TT was right. And I started taking a long, hard look at protein drinks.

And the look wasn't particurlarly appealing. Especially since most of them are milk-based, and I hate milk. I need something water-based, like gatorade or Kool-Aid. Or some other kind of drink that ends in ade.

I had that protein drink from my recovery days. And it's supposed to be the best drink on the market, the one that tastes most like something you'd actually want to drink. It's a powder you mix with water. Its flavor is "Fuzzy Navel." And though its been weeks since I had my thimbleful, I seem to remember it not tasting too bad, but I wasn't crazy about the texture. It was, well, for want of a better word, thick. Kind of like - does anybody remember Orange Julius? It's kind of like one of those. Eww.

Now, as we speak, and as we've been speaking for nearly two weeks now, I have another one in my refrigerator. It was given to me by my beautiful and strong-handed pedicurist. She gave it to me and said, "Now, this isn't the best flavor it comes in, but you still might be able to drink it. I can't stomach it anymore, because it reminds me of being sick." It sits, unopened, in my fridge. As it probably will for some time to come. (Although I can totally relate to what she was saying, because I can barely eat things now I ate right after my surgery because they remind me of my recovery. And I used to love mashed potatoes....)

When I was getting my talking-to from TT, she gave me the name of a protein drink, already mixed, that she said was the best she'd ever tasted. She said at the end of the day she goes home and has one on ice and it's so refreshing and relaxing. She gave me the name and where to find it, and said it came in two flavors, citrus splash and mixed berry. I went out that very day and bought both flavors.

The citrus was just nasty, and there's not a thing more I can say about it. But I will. If none of you out there have consumed a protein drink, well, you're lucky, but other than that, there's just this horrid aftertaste. It's an aftertaste so horrid that you know something going into your body tasting like that has to be up to no good. And there's only thing worse than the taste. The smell. Is there such a thing as a horrid aftersmell? If so, they coined the phrase for just this smell. Let's put it this way. I drink these drinks in my thermal mug, covered with ice, with a lid on the mug, and I can still smell them through the straw in the lid. It's not pleasant.

Now, I will say that the berry, while not particularly good, or even half good, is consumable. And sure, it still smells, but it's not nearly as bad as the citrus flavor. The best way I can describe the berry is, "Kool-Aid someone poured salt in." "Or meat tenderizer." "Or Epsom Salts." "Maybe."

So anyway, I'm now out of my little four-pack of berry drink. So I need to make a decision. Buy another? Try the "will remind you of when you were sick" drink languishing in my fridge? Or go back to the protein drink I remember unfondly more for its texture than its taste?

I think I might mix up a batch of that "Fuzzy Navel" stuff tonight. And maybe try slipping a dollop or two of vodka in it for authenticity.