Did You See The One...?

It's been a long week. Work was hell. I only got to swim one night. I'm tired. I want to blog, and yet my mind is a blank.

So.... I'm going to do what I used to do in these situations, before I took to sitting on my ass (somewhere other than at my keyboard) and letting my screen remain blank. I'm going to get out the trusty "Smileage" book!

This should be a good one. They name TV shows, and I have to tell you about my favorite episodes of them. Now, I will say, there are a shitload of shows on this list, and not only did I not watch some of them, but even if I did, I'd be all week writing about all of these. So I'm picking and choosing.

Shall we begin?

* The Andy Griffith Show: Now, since this is one of my very favorite shows of all time, it's going to be hard. I mean, The Pickle Episode is near and dear to my heart (with its great Barney line, "Shoo fly - it's dead!"), but if I had to pick one single episode that still makes me laugh as hard, and one I still want to quote lines from, it's "Mountain Wedding," the episode that stars the Darling family and introduced us all to Ernest T Bass. It contains the great Briscoe Darling lines, "Curb them hot flashes!" and, when Andy mentions the boys are "talkative" (the "boys," actually bluegrass band The Dillards, never speak a word, just stare slackjawed at whoever's around), "They're all keyed up." Add to that Ernest T's "serenade" to Charlene Darling, a chant in which he accompanies himself by beating on a gas can (and that you can see the lyrics to here, if you scroll down to "Old Aunt Maria"), and you've got the Number One episode. Remember, never hit your grandma with a great big stick.

*M*A*S*H: OK, I loved this show when it was out, save the last two seasons, which were horrifyingly bad, but I cannot stand to watch it in reruns. Blecch. And so when I was trying to think back to when I actually watched it, I was totally void of memories. Except for one episode. So if it's the only one I remember, it must, therefore, be my favorite. That would be the episode where the movie "My Darling Clementine" was sent to the 4077th, and they all watch it. And of course, you know the rest, the movie keeps breaking, the projector keeps breaking, and in all of the breaks the camp come up with ways to entertain themselves. My favorite is the Father Mulcahy impersonating contest. Jocularity, jocularity!

*The Twilight Zone: This one's kind of hard for me, because I have my ones I remember from childhood, then many more great ones I've seen as an adult (mainly on cable TZ marathons). One that I can remember so vividly from childhood was an episode where a man gets a stopwatch that stops time, then starts using the watch for evil (robbing banks), and drops and breaks the watch, thus rendering everyone and everything in the world - except him - frozen dead. But my favorite episode, and this is embarrassing, because it's not a well-written diatribe on McCarthyism nor is it biting satire, is the "Talking Tina" episode. Talking Tina is a doll, wanted very badly by a little girl, whose father doesn't really want to buy her. But the girl does indeed get the doll, and for some reason the father severely resents it. It goes on and on, he throws the doll away, she shows back up in the house, etc, etc, and of course, she ends up placing herself on the stairs and killing the poor schmuck (he trips on her and falls down the stairs). It scared the pee out me as a child, mainly because of the doll's talk-track when her string was pulled: it went from "My name is Talking Tina, and I want to be your friend," to "I'm Talking Tina, and I don't like you," to "I'm Talking Tina, and I'm going to kill you," to finally, "My name is Talking Tina, and you'd better be nice to me!" Everyone now: doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...... (Oh, yeah. The mean dad she kills? Played by Telly Savalas.)

*Star Trek: I'm not a "Star Trek" fan, but of course, as I kid I always loved "The Trouble With Tribbles." I'm sure I don't need to re-hash anything about that one; not for you geeks, anyway.

*Seinfeld: Yes, the Masturbation Episode was one of the classic half-hours of all TV, and the Soup Nazi made me laugh till I hurt. But my favorite Seinfeld ep is The Overdue Library Book, where Jerry finds out he has a book overdue at the library - from 1974. He goes on a quest of sorts to prove he actually returned the book in 1974 and ends up revisiting both an old crush and his gym teacher, who's now a homeless bum (with "baked bean teeth"). Not only does it contain some great memorable lines (like Kramer's "The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was!" and Jerry's "Columbus. Eurotrash."), but Phillip Baker Hall's turn as the Library Cop (Mr Bookman) is absolutely priceless. While giving Jerry the third degree, he goes off on a rant about library disrespect and kids "finding pictures of peepees and weewees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers." Perfect.

*The Dick Van Dyke Show: Easy Peasy. The one where Richie and his buddy leave their walkie-talkies on, and Rob and Laura overhear a conversation that happens over at the Helper's house. Jerry and Millie are pretty much dissing the hell out of Rob and Laura ("Rob's no Albert Schweitzer"). Well, just so happens they're due to go to a party at the Helper's in a few minutes, so of course they go with fire in their eyes. It's my favorite episode simply because of the scene at the party where everyone's playing charades. Laura gets up and is doing all these horrific movements, pretending to stomp, stab, and everything else, and all the while Rob's screaming out his guesses, "Walk all over people! Goosestep! Stab-stab in the back!" After about 3 minutes of this Rob suddenly yells, "I've got it! 'On The Street Where You Live!'" Genius.

*The X-Files: The Roach Episode. Really nothing more there to say.

*All In The Family: Actually, it's kind of embarrassing to say that my favorite episode is one after most people would say A.I.T.F. had jumped the shark. It was one after Mike and Gloria "moved away." It's the one where Edith gets a case of phlebitis, St Patrick's Day is coming up, Archie has a big deal party planned at his bar, and so she doesn't say anything and stays on her feet all day to cook corned beef and cabbage for him. There are a couple of things about this episode that I love. One is that there's an unbelievably hilarious scene that hints at cabbage and its smell and having gas - it's not really explainable, it's one of those "you have to see it" things. Then, it features George Wyner as young Dr Sidney Shapiro, and for some reason, he and Carroll O'Connor together always made me laugh. And finally, that last scene where you see just how much Archie loves Edith - well, *sniff* I think I need to be going.

So there you have it. If you think your favorites are better, tell me about it.