Hell Ahoy!

OK, so my life is hurtling straight towards hell in a shitbucket.

Now, don't start feeling sorry for me. As I was explaining to someone earlier, it's not out of control in a depressing way; in fact, I've been quite spry of spirit lately. It's more of a Broken Roller Coaster Ride kind of out of control. Well, this is Betland, and I guess the rides break down occasionally.

I thought this started with my ring. But it didn't really. It all started in earnest on Nov. 1, the beginning of my vacation. I had plans for vacation, oh, yes, big plans. I was gonna clean my house. I was gonna fix things that were wrong. I was gonna hang pictures on the wall and repaint the little marks where I removed the curtains when I moved into the place nigh on 3 years ago and had never painted.

Oddly enough, these were my exact plans last year when I took my vacation.

My house has been an absolute mess for about four weeks. It's a combination of Oktoberfest, laziness, being busy, and, well, life. Who has time to clean, anyway?

On November 1 I got paid and sat down with my big purple bill holder to pay bills. That is when I realized that due to a number of "pop-up" bills (ie, things that pop up unexpectedly), I was, well, to aptly describe it, fucking poor. I was, to aptly describe it, fucking poor without even having paid the speeding ticket I got going to Oktoberfest the next-to-last weekend, which added up to a fine of around $150. I had to send away to the Credit Union savings account for reinforcements for that one, which I paid last week, after registering it with the Post Office so I can show proof of mailing when it winds up at the Department of Veterans Affairs in Philadelphia.

So that started things off. I lived very frugally, canceled the "vacation week shopping trip" I'd planned, and ended up on my week off working out, doing laundry, sleeping, watching movies, and not much else, save for the cleaning out of the closets.

The cleaning out of the closets left me with a major windfall. Of clothes hangers. I think I can safely say that I may never have to buy hangers again for the rest of my life. There are approximately 150 hangers laying in a pile in the floor of my bedroom. This is in addition to the approximately 30 hangers at any given time on my Almost Comfy Couch, which is generally where I sit to fold, fluff, and hang.

See, there are two places in my house where clutter gathers. The kitchen table, which holds everything I lay down immediately when I get home from work, and the couch. I pretty much have not been able to see the tabletop of the table for the past four weeks. And after bill paying on Nov 1, my couch has been filled with "bill fallout" (the remnants of statements, etc, that I keep saying I'm going to shred but still haven't gotten round to).

OK. The ring.

Saturday after I got out of the shower I sat on the bed to slather lotion upon myself, because my skin is so dry I fear it's going to blow right off my body. So before squirting out the lotion, I made the most stunningly idiotic decision - I took my ring off and laid it there on the bed, in the folds of the sheets, thinking, actually thinking, "It's OK, I'll remember I left it here."

Sure, I remembered. 90 minutes later when I was on the road to B'burg. On the way home, I kept saying, "The first thing I do when I get home is get my ring." And of course, I didn't, and somewhere in a fitful night's sleep Sunday night I must have thrown it across the room, because it's neither in my bed nor anywhere visible in my bedroom. My ring is important to me. It's my favorite present I ever gave to myself, buying myself a diamond ring just because I damn wanted to. I keep telling myself it's going to turn up, but it's been 3 days now and no sign of it.

I had to go to the dentist Monday. He didn't flog me for not flossing, mainly because I took the dishy Michelle's advice and flossed the night before. However, my pained tooth (the one that's been bothering me for about a year now) is indeed fractured and has to have a crown. They set me up an appointment for the coronation. Well, two appointments, actually, it takes that many. It'll happen in January. Great, another two holidays with a pain in my tooth.

When the receptionist set me up for the coronation, she told me, "It costs $600, half of which we like at the first appointment."

Hee hee. "Half of which we like." I wanted to say, "How used are you to disappointment?"

Well, that gives me 2 months to come up with $300, and I think I can probably swing that. I put $100 into the Tooth Fund right away.

Oh, that's because I got paid Monday. I took my purple bill holder to work this morning where I was going to pay my middle of the month bills. Only 2 of them were in the holder. This is because - well, you got me on this one. I have no fucking idea at all why a person who puts her bills faithfully in the same place every single day for 15 years suddenly started strewing her bills all over her hovel.

I had no trouble with my insurance bills which were due. I mean, I work for them, I give them my money. I just paid those sitting at my desk. I knew the amount of my gas bill, just didn't know where to send it. And I had a rough idea of my spring water and cooler bill, but not really. So when I came home from work today I looked first thing. All the bills were in the middle of a stack of about 40 catalogs and magazines sitting on the clarinet-playing chair in the dennette. (No, the chair doesn't play the clarinet, I just sit in it when I play.)

I scooped them up then went into the kitchen, where I promptly knocked a stack of raincoat, hat, freshly washed tights, pair of gloves, Sherman's clarinet, two more catalogues, and a Rocky and Bullwinkle dvd off the kitchen table. I somehow was surprised this could happen and swore loudly to no one.

While I was waiting for 6:00 (working out is less crowded then), I finally went through all those bill remnants from the 1st. I haven't shredded them yet, but they are in a very nice and neat stack. On the couch, where else.

I also have to, before bed, dry and put away two more loads of clothes, watch the first episode of "The Amazing Race," find some time to practice my clarinet, pick out something to wear tomorrow, and fit in having dinner.

And even if I get all that done I'll also still have the bills to shred and a kitchen table that would make my mother cry. And do something about the 40 some odd magazines and catalogues on the clarinet-playing chair, that doesn't itself play the clarinet. And find a place for the 150 clothes hangers.

And the computer desk is so full of crap i don't even know where to begin straightening it.

And my ring is still at large.

Maybe I could borrow Stennie's under-bed-hiding new Kitty Sterling to find it for me.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Re Acro: I really did have intentions of doing Acro, even had a nice silly topic. But after working out yesterday I came home and fell asleep in the Comfy Chair till 12:40 this morning. So I'll leave it to you, my readers. Next week do you want an Acro with a Thanksgiving theme or a really dumb non-holiday theme? Let me know.