The New Folks

There's a New Morning Girl on the local news. She replaces, oddly enough, the Old Morning Girl on the local news, who had a bad haircut, a big toothy mouth, and a penchant for getting words wrong. She pronounced Dartmouth "Dart - mouth." But she was quite endearing, all toothy and smiley, and looking older than she probably is.

Anyway, she's been promoted, I guess promoted, I mean, she doesn't have to rise while it's still dark, to the 6 and 11 newses. And now we have the New Morning Girl. And a ray of sunshine she ain't. She has the personality of a damp piece of rhubarb. And she has bed-head. I mean, she has a poof on the side of her hair that doesn't make her look like she just got out of bed as much as it makes her look like she was just hit by a car.

I was pinning a couple of hopes on New Morning Girl. The first was that she'd loosen up a little bit and act like she was actually friends with Little Morning Weather Boy, like the Old Morning Girl did. But it's been probably 6 weeks now and she still acts like there's a board up her back.

The second is that she'd endear herself to me by mispronouncing some words like Old Morning Girl did.

The second day New Morning Girl was on the news, I almost got my wish. She announced that this day in history, however many years ago, "Jacqueline Kennedy married shipping - ." I sat there, still in bed, fists clenched in front of me, rooting for her. "Come on, mangle 'magnate!' I know you can do it! Come, on!" Seconds of silence passed. And she, in a stunning move ... completely omitted the word 'magnate!' So it went, "Jacqueline Kennedy married shipping - [uncomfortably long pause] - Aristotle Onassis."

It was so exciting. And yet, ultimately, unsatisfying.

And then things just went along as you'd think. To be honest, I didn't pay a great deal of attention to the New Girl, because of her damp rhubarbish personality. I'd make sure that anytime I had to be out of the room in my getting ready for work, I'd do it during her portion of the morning show.

But today. Today it happened. The New Morning Girl said, yes, I know it's hard to believe, but I swear it's true, "especially." Only she said it "ek-specially."

You know, when someone gets a job reading the news on television, there should be a long, three hour, 500-page test they have to take. Of general current events knowledge, and how to pronounce certain words. And anyone who says "ek-specially" should be thrown from the studio in such a manner that they land on their asses and bounce several hundred feet out into the parking lot while clouds of dust pop up, like a cartoon.

And yet, she gave me what I wanted. She mispronounced (or non-pronounced) things for me.

It's like my new neighbors, who aren't quite that new anymore.

You know, I had the perfect neighbor in Shirley. She was here when I moved in, an elderly lady on her own, and she was very sweet and friendly. From a distance. She mainly was like me, she liked to keep to herself. I knew she was there if I needed her, and vice versa, but we really saw and spoke to each other more in town than we did at our houses.

But then Shirley moved to another part of town (West Graham, believe it or not), and when I learned I was getting new neighbors I was worried sick. What would they be like? Would they be loud? Would they want to be my best friend and be at my house all the time? Would they have kids running rampant through the yards?

Why couldn't I just get someone who'd leave me alone like Shirley did??

And so the new folks moved in about four months ago. It's a family of a youngish mom and dad and one boy who looks to be 5 or 6. The day they moved their stuff into the house, I was out tending my now-deceased flowers. The mom got a box out of the moving van and turned to go inside. I caught her eye and smiled at her. She turned her head and went in the house. Well.

And it's pretty much been like that ever since. None of them speak, none of them wave. None of them really acknowledge that I exist. And other than the fact that they have way too many cars for the number of drivers in their family and sometimes late on Thursday nights they like to slam the doors of those cars, I really don't even know they're over there.

Which is exactly what I wanted, right??

And yet, I get slightly pissed off because their hands don't go up in a wave. And I get pissed off because New Morning Girl has bed-head and can't make casual conversation.

In other words, I'm pissed off because my new neighbors aren't my old neighbor and I'm pissed off because New Morning Girl isn't Old Morning Girl.

I'm never happy.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Spongebob Squarepants seems to be sitting atop our local Burger King. He looks much taller in person than I was expecting him to be.
* I just got finished watching "The Wizard of Oz" and crying. I saw Toto, I cried. I saw Dorothy missing Auntie Em and wanting to go home, I cried. I thought of how wonderful Judy Garland used to be, I cried. I thought of how none of those people are around anymore, I cried.