US Mal

I've always been a sympathetic person, in my personal life and in my TheCompanyIWorkFor life as well.

Well, fairly sympathetic.

After a lot of years there at the desk of TheCompanyIWorkFor, I've heard just about all there is to hear in the way of sob stories, whines, and excuses. And I used to really feel for people. Now I pretty much pick and choose. I can tell a phony excuse a mile away, under most circumstances.

The one excuse we always hear the most around the office is "I didn't get it." Your policy lapsed and has been out 4 months and you didn't realize it? "I didn't get a bill." Well, you pay monthly, didn't you notice that for four months you had more money than you were supposed to that probably belonged somewhere? "Um, no. I didn't get a bill!"

They don't get their bills, they don't get their cancellation notices, they don't get their classification questionnaires, they don't get the postcards we send asking for information or telling them they're about to cancel. Come on, now. The US Mail can't be that bad.

Well, that's what I used to say. Now I'm starting to feel their pain.

In a week's time our office probably gets 7 -10 pieces of mail in our PO Box that aren't ours. We're PO Box 368. We get everyone's mail who lives in a local subdivision whose address happens to be RR 2, Box 368A (or B or C or D, depending on the house). We get people's mail who live on 368 AnyStreetInTown. We get lots of mail for a local golf pro who has nothing to do with 368, but his box number is close to ours. Those are mostly golf magazines, too, oddly enough.

A good while back, my sister's father-in-law was telling me of a nightmare situation he had. He mailed out an entire month's bills at the local Post Office. He started getting cancellation notices and ugly phone calls. Seems the entire stack of bills vanished into thin air once they hit the "Out of Town" mail slot.

So now when people say they didn't get this or they didn't get that, I tend to lean on the side of belief. I just apologize and say, I'm sorry ma'am or mister, but TheCompanyIWorkFor can prove they sent you the bill. And yes, ma'am or mister, I really do believe that you sent your check in 27 days ago and you only live a block away from us, and you probably could have and should have just walked it to us, but you were on the other side of the street where the Post Office was so you just dropped it in the "Local Delivery" slot. It's just those Mean Old Postal Workers messing with all of us again.

Back a summer or two ago I got my water cut off. It had to do with forgetting to pay my bill, and not understanding that I couldn't just pay 2 months of it next time. I think I blogged about it. It was one of those things that was funny, but at the same time, it wasn't really that funny. Let's just say it would have been funny had I found out what I'd done, taken them a check, and it was all over. But I also had to pay them a $60 "reconnection" fee. That took a lot of the belly laughs out of it.

Needless to say, nowadays I'm really itchy about my utilities.

This month I didn't receive my bill from the Sanitary Board. I waited, and waited, and finally when I paid my first-of-the-month bills, I called the bastards to see how much it was and where to send it. And they were closed, because it was Election Day. I think there's something very telling in that the public office that deals with shit would be closed on Election Day.

Finally I got hold of them, and they immediately started denying all responsibility. I tried to tell them I wasn't blaming them, the thing was just lost and I wanted to pay it. They gave me the amount and a PO Box. I asked if there was a place I could take it in person, as it was due in 2 days, and they said, and I quote, "Just mail it. It'll get here in time."

Now, there's a lot in this life I wouldn't second guess. But these people were pretty damn brave to guarantee a postal delivery on time. Even the Post Office won't do that! Have you ever 2- or 3-day mailed something, or, God Forbid, tried to overnight something through the US Postal Service? "Yes, I'd like to 3-Day Express mail this to Florida." Immediately you get, "Well, we can't guarantee it'll actually be there in three days."

Then why the fuck do you call it a 3-Day Express? Why don't you call it a 3- or so-Day Meander?

I mentioned briefly here last week about my house payment not getting to the bank, and having to pay that self-same bank to put a stop payment on my check, then give them another. I'd have never known this was happening had I not gone to the ATM machine (which we call "squeezing the owl," which is a good story and not in the least dirty, though it sounds vaguely so) and seen that I had way too much money in my account. I mean, I always have about $200 more dollars in my account than my checkbook shows, I like it that way for some reason, but this was showing waaaaaaay too much money in my account.

So I called up the bank, and lo and behold, no house payment received and I went through all the above.

Now, here's the thing. In my payment book, with every month's payment stub there's a pre-printed address label to the bank. It's self adhesive. I always use that little label, and I don't even trust mailing it on adhesive alone - I tape that baby right on the envelope just to be sure. So to me, there was no reason that bill shouldn't have reached its destination - from a PO Box in B'field, VA to a PO Box in B'field, WV, approximately five miles away.

But it didn't.

Tuesday, when I got my mail I noticed I had a letter from the bank. "Oh, shit," I thought. "What now?" I opened it up, standing there in the PO. It was my house payment. All sealed up in its little envelope with the label taped on. Wrapped around this was a letter to my bank saying this had been received in their offices and was not for them, so they were returning it.

The letter was from the Department of Veteran's Affairs. In Philadelphia.

I stood in the Post Office and marveled at my fate. I once was lost, but now am found. After paying $25 to stop payment on myself.

And I could have even escaped that - had the damn mail been two days quicker getting this back to me!

I walked to my car and dreamt of dogs biting postmen. And was happy.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* I wasn't having a particularly good day yesterday. It was what I call a "half" day - half of everything I did was wrong. I dropped this, I spilled that, I brushed purple eyeshadow over my whole face, I forgot stuff, well, you get the picture. I mentioned to Mr M last night about how I've lately either been burning hot or freezing cold. He suggested I'm starting menopause. I imagined him boiled in hot oil. And was happy.
* Vacation, day four: worked out (I had to say that since I wore my "I'm blogging this" t-shirt to the gym), light laundry, and hopefully, some clarinetting later on, if I don't fall asleep. I was up till 5:00 this morning watching movies.