Looking At The World Through Crossed Eyes

I had an eye appointment this morning.

I hadn't mentioned this previously because, well, to be honest, because I haven't been blogging much lately, a fact for which I am truly remorseful, even though things have been a whirl here and I just don't have much to say nor the time in which to say it. I basically got a stern talking to by my folks when I mentioned to them Tuesday night how I was worried about my eyes and it'd been over 2 months since I'd gotten my yearly "check-up card" from Dr T (who doesn't smoke, btw). After everything they've been through with my dad's eyes, they thought this was totally unacceptable, and told me that if I didn't call for an appointment the next morning that they'd call and make one for me, thus embarrassing the shit out of my person. So I called Wednesday morning, and got the appointment for Friday. Very quick, and that's why I've not mentioned it.

I have mentioned, however, how much I worry about my eyes in general, and how disturbed I've been about them lately. For the past few months I've noticed a real change in my eyesight, I just can't seem to focus on anything. Then came the upsetting realization while looking at my face in the mirror one morning (a scary enough proposition in and of itself) that I seem to have a "droopy eye." My right eye, to use the scientific medical term, fuckin' droops. At first it scared me shitless, because one of the very first symptoms my dad had in his macular degeneration was that he saw "distorted" pictures. Like when he'd look at your face, there'd be no symmetry in it, your eye and nostril and mouth on one side would be way below where it was on the other side. And so while I joked on the outside about my droopy eye, inside I was building up more and more panic. Then I took a picture of Taytie and I on Thanksgiving, and was actually quite relieved to find that my eye was droopy in the picture. Meaning it wasn't my vision playing tricks on me, it was actually there. But that still doesn't make it any less ugly or annoying.

Lately when I look at my droopy eye, and I'm the first to admit that I'm sure I'm looking at it way more and way harder than I should, it appears to be becoming wonky. Wonky meaning it turns a little to the left. Now. I'm perfectly willing to admit that this might be totally pod behavior, and I'm imagining that part of things.

So I went this morning, and I must say that while Dr T is one of the nicest fellows you'd ever want to meet, he has the most unfriendly staff in town. But that's neither here nor there, I suppose, and after not too long a wait I got entrance into the office with the Big Eye Chair. I love the Big Eye Chair, I have since I was a kid. If I could afford one, I'd have one in my living room. Turn on the TV, pull that lens thing across my face - hey, do I wanna see closer? Here we go!

Dr T arrived, and we caught up on the past year's happenings. We started first with the vision. He pulled the lens thing across my face and started testing my right eye, since I mentioned it was the one that bothered me most. He kept going back and forth, what can you see? better now? better? better? worse now, right? no, that's better too?

Well, when I reached my level of perfection, he got really enthused, for some reason, and wrote it down on my chart. Then we went to the left eye and through the same drill, better, better, no, worse, better, better, yep, I think that's it.

Then his enthusiasm waned a bit. And he said, "Hmmm." And he wrote in my chart some more.

Then he looked at me and said, "Well, we've got one of two things going on here. You tell me which you think it might be. Either your right eye has improved by the exact same amount that your left eye has digressed, or you've been wearing your contacts in the wrong eyes."

I took a moment to digest all of that.

He went on to explain that the strength of my left eye was the same strength of the contact in my right eye, and vice versa.

Now, I'm pretty careful, always to do anything lens-wise with the right eye first, then the left. But it's always possible, I guess, that I could have switched them in a moment of reckless abandon. Or sleepiness, which is more likely. The thing of it is, Dr T said if you're careful, you're basically screwed, because if you make a small mistake and switch right and left, you'll remain careful and likely not switch them back. Whereas if you're haphazard about it, you could always get it wrong again and get them back in the correct eyes.

Anyway, he went to the Big Wall of Contacts, and got out the strengths he'd measured, and put them in my eyes. It was like a light going on. Everything looked exactly like it was supposed to look, plus I had the added happiness of a new pair of contacts. Unless you're a wearer you don't know the warm and watery comfort that is a brand new pair of lenses.

And so, since we are going on the fact that it was my stupidity, since the chances of the improving/digressing thing is pretty miniscule, that also means that since last year my vision hasn't changed. And that made me damn happy. I've also escaped bifocals for yet another year, even though I still can't tell you what the names of any of my lipsticks are.

Then I went into part 2 of my problems, the droopy wonky eye. He looked at me face-to-face, moving my eyes and muscles around with his finger, and said he honestly couldn't see any difference or anything out of the ordinary. He didn't say I'm crazy, which was nice of him, but I still wanted more than, "Nope, I don't see anything." Or I don't know. Maybe I did want him to say I'm crazy. "You're crazy, there's nothing wrong with this eye!"

Then he got down to the examining of the eyes themselves, and said they look very healthy. He gave me the in on some vitamins I should take that are eye-healthy (more vitamins! just what I wanted!), and said "Dark leafy green vegetables." It wasn't a shouted non-sequitir, he said it as another preventitive measure against macular degeneration. "With your family history, I'd do all I can, which is basically vitamins and diet, but that's not much. The rest is in your genes. Which are getting baggier and baggier." He actually said that. And I thought he didn't notice. (That joke doesn't come off well in print, does it?)

Oh, and I got some eye drops because he said my eyes were quite red (which I knew) and had some stuff in them (which I didn't). Then I got a little lecture about how I wear a pair of lenses much longer than I need to and how it irritates my eyes. And this is true, I'm as guilty as sin on this count, Your Honor.

Funny, because since I had no change in lens strength, I don't have to worry about my glasses. There was a time that would have disappointed me greatly. I love trying on glasses and getting new ones. Or used to. Now it's a pain because my lenses are so thick it cuts by about 3/4 the number of frames I can wear. And I can't really afford them anyway. No need to look if you can't buy.

The wrong lenses. Only me.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* December 17th and I'm finally getting into the Christmas spirit. When I got home I wrapped presents for the girls I work with.
* OK, I think I need this. Agree? Disagree?