New Ride In Betland!

Gather round all you clowns. There's a new ride about to open in Betland.

It's called "Bet's Tunnel of Guilty Pleasures."

We enter our little moving cars shaped like The Comfy Chair. Once we're strapped in, the Awesome Ottoman joins up for us to rest our feet upon. We're given a couple of clove cigarettes and a nice big cup of coffee, and just when the headrush begins, the conveyor belt starts to move through the tunnel. (This is, of course, after we've been outfitted in pajamas, be it day, evening, or night.)

First we pass by a small table where we grab a bag of Tom's Hot Fries. Crunchy, carby, and no nutritional value whatsoever. We open and begin munching just as "The Newlywed Game" comes on the surrounding screens.

Then we enter a light-show-pumping, state-of-the-art stereo chamber blasting that country and western song that says, "Back when a hoe was a hoe, and Coke was a Coke."

Next we roll to a long slow-moving up- and downhill section where someone reads the "Gossip" page from msnbc.com. These stories change almost daily, so there's always a reason to come back and ride.

Finally, we slide into a dark room with a window simulating morning light, where we're allowed to sleep way longer than we should.

And as we wake up to ride's end, we look around to see all the things in Betland that need cleaning and straightening up, that are still lying around uncleaned and unstraightened.

It'll be an E-ticket ride, so save your pennies.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* It is with great sadness that I mention the death of Jerry Orbach. I loved Jerry. From Lumiere in "Beauty and the Beast" to Baby's dad in "Dirty Dancing" (about which I heard him tell a hilarious story, re filming in Giles County, Virginia), to Jack Rosenthal in "Crimes and Misdemeanors" (my favorite Woody Allen movie, btw), to the never-to-be-matched Lennie in "Law and Order." We'll miss you, Jerry.