Picture Sunday

OK, first things first, right off the bat.

It's snowing here in B'field. Proof? I wrecked on the way home!

Now, before you all start wringing your hands, there was no damage. To the podmobile nor my person. Unless you count a broken nail as injury, which I do.

It was on the off-ramp of 460 just as you're going in to B'field. It's down a long hill, and the car in front of me started sliding, into about a 180, and landed in the right ditch with its nose out in the road. I dodged him OK, but in doing so, I started sliding. I did around a 320, and landed in the left ditch. I missed a sign by about 1/4 inch.

I got out to see if the people in the other car were OK, but they never got out of the car, and rather than stand there waiting to be hit by the next car down the ramp, I got back into my car and started out.

Wow, it was something, though. After I'd done my 180, I just closed my eyes and braced myself the rest of the way. But I landed without even much of a jar. It was damn scary though, and when I got home I had a serious pee. I'm one lucky mofo, is all I can say at this moment.

You know, when I'm at Mr M's, which is virtually every weekend, there's one activity we enjoy together. No, it's not that, get your minds out of the gutter. It's the midnight showing of "The Antiques Roadshow" on PBS.

We have something of a happy ritual. We watch the people come on with their items and listen to the appraisal. (Like the man last night that had the biguglyass stoneware pot.) Then when the estimated price is announced ($65,000 - $80,000 in the case of the pot), we yell out loud, "SOLD!" Simple pleasures, but pleasures nonetheless.

I've often wondered about the Roadshow. If it came locally, what could I bring? What could I find upon my person that would make me a millionaire, never to have to labor again? I know not.

But I gathered up a few things, and I'm going to take them when the Roadshow comes to Betland. So if you will, may I introduce:

Picture Sunday - The Antiques Roadshow Edition!



ARG (Antiques Roadshow Guy): So, what can you tell me about this item?
ME: Well, it's a pillow in the shape of the Big Boy.
ARG: And how did you acquire it?
ME: My sister bought it for me at a yard sale for 25 cents, because she thought it was funny.
ARG: Hmmm. Funny. Well, you're right, this is indeed a pillow in the shape of the Big Boy. I don't know about funny, though. These were popular once, for about five minutes. It's got some wear on it, it's not particularly clean.
ME: Well, it was in a yard sale....
ARG: It's not a bad representation. Say she paid a quarter for it?
ME: Yup.
ARG: Well, if I had this in my shop today, I'd probably sell it for around 25 cents.
ME: Oh, OK. Thank you.

(*Brrrrg!* Big Boy Pillow - 25 cents)



ARG: Yes ma'am, could you tell me about these?
ME: Sure, they're my pink cordial glasses.
ARG: Mmm-hmmm....
ME: I bought them about 20 years ago from a friend of mine who owned an antique store. He sold me a set of 8 for $50, which back then for me was a lot of money.
ARG: I see. A lot of money. And you have all 8 still?
ME: Yes, I sure do.
ARG: Well, cordial glasses aren't quite what they used to be. But they're still quite nice, in good condition. Do you know anything else about them?
ME: Not really. The dealer was a nice man. He lived with his mother and used to drive Mrs Brown back and forth to Florida every year.
ARG: I see. Well, if I were to put a conservative estimate on these, I'd estimate them to be around $10.
ME (feigning interest): Really? Ten dollars?
ARG: Ten. Maybe five.

(*Brrrrg!* Pink Cordial Glasses - $10. Maybe five)



ARG: So what's the story here?
ME: Well, my friend Tina from England brought me this the very first time she visited me.
ARG: Wow!
ME: Wow? Like, "Wow as in, great?"
ARG: More like "Wow as in, she's pretty damn ugly."
ME: Well, she was never my cup of tea either, but I don't know about these things.
ARG: Heh, no kiddin'.
ME: She brought me a pair. A boy and a girl.
ARG: You know, the way you have her sittin' there, she's kinda got a Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" thing goin' on....
ME: Well, I can't help that. Her legs automatically spread when she sits down.
ARG: Well, not knowing much about her, and if I were to give you an estimate based on what you should insure her for, I could give you a round figure of five cents.
ME: Even for the pair?
ARG: Well, if you have the pair, and I'm hearing you say you do, that ups the ante a bit. I'd say maybe seven.
ME: Thanks, sir.

(*Brrrrg!* Dolls from England - seven cents for pair)

ARG: Now, what can you tell me about this little fella?

ME: Well, this little fella I call Pepe. My friend from Belgium, Marie-Noelle, brought him to me back in 1979 when she was an exchange student and stayed with my family.

ARG: OK. Well, I can tell you his name's not Pepe.

ME: So you know him?

ARG: No, but I damn sure know his name's not Pepe.

ME: Oh.

ARG: I also know that if he's from Belgium, he's an idiot, because he's wearing wooden shoes. The last I heard, Belgians don't wear wooden shoes.

ME: I'd wondered about that myself.

ARG: Were you wondering about a price on him?

ME: Well, kinda, yeah.

ARG: I think at auction today, this little guy might bring you - is he part of a pair?

ME: Not that I know of. If there is, I don't have her.

ARG: Five cents, then.

(*Brrrrg!* Not Pepe - five cents)

(Why was this part double-spaced? Ask Blogger, not me.)

ARG: Ahhh, I see we have some autographs here. What can you tell me about this item?
ME: Well, I got this in 1989 in Washington, DC. I was invited to a reception that the band REM gave for then-Senator Wyche Fowler at the Botanical Gardens. It was a really fun event, and my cousin Jacob and I ended up getting our programs signed by the band members. All the band members, even the reclusive Michael Stipe.
ARG: I see. All the band members, huh.
ME: Yep, all. Especially Michael Stipe, see? (pointing)
ARG: Well, you're saying all, but I see something here. Aren't there four members of REM?
ME: Yes.
ARG: So how come I'm seeing five autographs?
ME: Well, we also got the autograph of guitarist Peter Holsapple. You know Peter - guitarist for the band the dBs - he was touring with REM at the time. Nice guy. He signed too.
ARG: Weeellllll, see, we have a little problem there. He's not really a member of the band, now, is he?
ME: Well....
ARG: Is he???
ME: Well, no.
ARG: That detracts from the value, I'm afraid.
ME: So you're telling me I have too many autographs.
ARG: That's about the size of it, yeah. And this Michael Stipe autograph you're so fond of - you know, it just says "Michael." That could be Michael Smith, or Michael Jakeleg. It could be Michael Anybody.
ME: Well, that's how he was signing that night. It's Michael Stipe, believe me.
ARG: So you say.
ME: It's Michael Fucking Stipe!
ARG: OK, OK. Don't shoot the messenger here. So, how much did you pay for this baby?
ME: Well, nothing. Hmm. Technically nothing. I did have to pay $100 for my ticket to the reception.
ARG: Well, in perfect condition, which would mean only the four band members and Michael SoCalled-Stipe's last name attached, this might go for, and I'm being conservative here, around $50.
ME: And without "Stipe," and an extra member?
ARG: Well, I'd say, and I'm being conservative here, about $7.50. You paid $100 to get this? Well, I hope you had a good time, at least.
ME: Well, I did. So nanny nanny poo-poo, you psycho¹.
ARG: Well, let's not get ugly about it.



ARG: Oh, my. What do we have here?
ME: Well, this is what I call the recipe du jour. It's Sweet and Sour Chicken Wings.
ARG: Can you tell me anything about it?
ME: Well, it's particularly disgusting-looking. I know it's got a lot of sugary crap in it, and it's got kumquats thrown all around it.
ARG: Well, you seem to be right about that. What I can tell you it that it's a recipe circa 1974, and it's not a good one at that. This would have been served to a truly ungrateful family, who would have been lining up for the bicarbonate of soda shortly after. Do you have any idea as to a value on this?
ME: Well, as far as I'm concerned, there is none.
ARG: Well, you're quite astute. This is a value-free dish.

(*Brrrrg!* Sweet and Sour Chicken Wings - fraud - no value)

¹ LilyG, circa 2002

Betland's Olympic Update:
* So, is USC's band still the coolest college band in the nation? I always used to think they were. Now, I do like VT's Marching Virginians immensely, but after watching the National Championship a couple of weeks ago, I'm voting USC still has it. I mean, they're still playing "All Right Now," by Free. That alone puts them right up there. Add "Captain From Castille" to it, along with being on a real-live rock album once, and I think they still hold the top spot.