TV Tuesday

So, Johnny's gone and we're all going to miss him. Even though he's actually been gone about 14 years. This just puts an ugly exclamation point at the end of things.

Letterman was a repeat last night, so I turned over to that weasel Leno to see what was going on, and there he was waxing poetic about the master that was Carson. I hung on a little bit to find that the show last night was an hour-long retrospective about Johnny. Well, retrospectivique.

But it ended up quite enjoyable, it pains me to admit. First Ed McMahon came out, and told a few stories, and I can't help it, but he just seemed to be there to get into the spotlight again. "Johnny's dead? It's showtime!" (God, that was cruel, even for me.) Then Don Rickles, whom I hate, and Bob Newhart, whom I love, came out together and told some Carson stories. Drew Carey was there to tell how excited he was to be on the Carson show and to be asked over to the coveted chair. And a long clip of comedians followed, established stars much younger, in bad suits, their "best stuff" not holding up quite as well as you'd think. They showed lots of clips, and though they were basically all the same ones we see in the "Buy The Tonight Show On DVD" infomercials, it was still fun to watch.

Here's the deal though. Remember when Leno took over "The Tonight Show?" Remember how he didn't pay homage to Johnny, and his ratings suffered for it? Well, suffered until he had a recently blown Hugh Grant on the show to mea culpa. It was all smooth sailing after that. Remember when his manager/producer was this bitch of a woman who instituted a rule whereby if a star goes on Letterman they don't get invited to Leno? And remember when she took a nasty fall for her practices, and Leno let her drop, waved byebye as she fell?

Where's this all going? I don't know really. I just remember when Leno was one of those young comics on Johnny, and Merv, and Mike, and he was a dumb kid who seemed to be a funny, nice guy. And when he first took over The Tonight Show, he really played on that nice guy image. He was giving gifts to guests, finding out what they liked and having it there to make a show of presenting to them. He still presents himself as the ol' nice guy, the regular workaday comic, your next door neighbor who just happens to have 57 Ferraris. And when I listen to Leno's monologues, his jokes...they're mean. Not just knocks, they're mean spirited. He made Laci Peterson jokes, and Chanda Rubin jokes. And I just kept thinking, "Jesus Christ, those women have friends and family out in the world trying to cope."

Anyway, there are two things I'd like to have right now - the complete series of "Laugh-In" on DVD in my living room, and the old "The Tonight Show" on TV Land. Not the highlights, the actual, 90-minute, who-the-fuck's-this-guest shows. But those things don't happen.

And now, a word or two from our sponsors.

There's a series of commercials out right now for, well, I don't know what they're for. They're telling men to be good dads. I guess they're put out by the You Helped Make This Baby Now Be A Man And Friggin' Raise It Coalition. And though I don't know that a series of commercials is suddenly going to make a man say, "You know, I've been spending too long here on my ass drinkin' beer and readin' porn, I need to go raise my son," by and large the commercials themselves are kinda cute.

There's one where a mom's making her little girl a lion costume, and the clueless dad comes home and tells her she's a good little pony. There's one where a dad and his little girl are just dancing in the living room to teenybopper music, and one where a dad and his little boy are out in the yard beating each other up with Nerf bats, and one really good one where a dad's on the couch asleep, snoring away, and his little boy is just content to sit there and watch.

But then there's the newest one.

It starts with a man in the drug store, going up and down the aisles. He picks up a box and takes it to the counter, where we see that it's a box of tampons. The teenage boy at the counter checks him out, and we see Dad ambling out to the car, where he presents the tampons to his pre-teen daughter, who was apparently too shy to go in and buy them herself.

For some reason this commercial makes me want to go wash my hands.

First of all, she's embarrassed to go in and buy tampons, but not embarrassed to let her dad do it and then hand them to her face to face? When I was 13 years old if I'd had my dad hand a box of Kotex to me, I'd have slit my wrists out of embarrassment! Good God. And then there's that whole "this kid's way too young to be using tampons" issue, which I guess is none of my business, though I do think young girls should pay their dues by wearing pads for a certain amount of time before appreciating the convenience of a tampon. Call me, well, I guess after that remark you'd be justified in calling me crazy.

(Which, btw, why is it on tampon commercials the women always dress completely in white? Have you ever been compelled to wear a completely white outfit, in the middle of winter, in the middle of the city, whilst on your period? The latest of these, for Pearl Tampons [oh, how you've sunk Pearl, from your "She's a Pearl girl" song to this ], features the girl in white, who hasn't bled through onto her skirt, but has gotten the top of her skirt caught in her panties, telling a man his "barn door's open." Tasteful. Wonder what the euphemism for having a big period spot on your white skirt would be? "Hey - psssst - Flag of Japan.")

I wonder, though, if this YHMTBNBAMAFRI Coalition are the same people who put out the "pro-dad" spot a while back with the Godzillas? Remember that one? Godzilla and his little boy Binky (actually, I made that up, I don't know what Godzilla's son's name is) are out together, playing, romping, and blowing smoke rings from their noses. And the theme to the TV show "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" is playing in the background. Now that was a cute commercial.

And then there's the commercial for Hydroxycut. That's the weight loss product that made a couple lose 40 pounds each. To be honest, I have no idea why this commercial stays with me, it's not nearly as bad as most weight-loss commercials out there. But it features a conservatively flabby couple, in matching yellow bathing suits, walking along. He's in yellow trunks, she's in a yellow bikini. Then they show the same couple (or so they're telling us) after Hydroxycut. They're all skinny and cut now - but they're wearing the same bathing suits! If you lost 40 pounds, wouldn't you at least treat yourself to a new bathing suit? Wouldn't your old one be sag-assing? Well, maybe not, I remember when I first started losing I wore the same clothes forever and ever.

And then there's Ensure, the "meal replacement drink" that's one step away from being fed intravenously. There's a woman who - and yes, she's going to hell for this - eats a donut. We know she's going to hell for it because of the guilt it causes her, and she hides while eating it. Then she heads out to her car and pops a bottle of Ensure, to cleanse her soul and get her right with The Lord again. At this point the voiceover comes on to tell us that Ensure contains many vitamins, minerals, and "food energy." What a sad place this world is when you can't say your product contains carbs.

Having your dad buy you tampons. Ewwwwwwww.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners this week: First of all, I was so disappointed that no one used the LK in the letters to tell us of the amazing educatedness of Leo Kottke.
Honorable Mention: Flipsycab, with Larry King: talks egregiously on absurdities.
Runner-up: Venice, with Love Kundera, Tolstoy, Einstein? Onanist alert!
Winner: LilyG, with Little kids taunt eggheads. Onerous asshats. (Which truly is the big disadvantage, I'd guess.)
Special "The Whole Package" Award goes to DeepFatFriar for his funny threesome as well.
* OK, back to TV. I'm starting to really get excited about "The Amazing Race." Tonight was particularly good.