And Now A Word From Our Sponsors....

Yep, I've got to get it off my chest. Again. It's time for more commercial alerts.

Bojangles:

I didn't discover this one myself, it was pointed out to me over the weekend by Mr M. Here is a commercial for the famous (is it famous?) fried chicken and biscuit place with a famous (is he famous?) quarterback at the drive-thru, and he's hurling items out of the window and beaning people in the head. And that's basically the commercial.

So first of all, what's the damn point of this commercial? It doesn't advertise the fried chicken and biscuits, it doesn't advertise anything. Are we supposed to believe that there's a big-time pro quarterback working at the Bojangles drive-thru? Is that what pro football players do in the off-season, work at fast food joints, their little microphone headsets securely in place as they wing the food out to the customers? Is this supposed to make us want to go there and buy fried chicken and biscuits, and possibly have those fried chicken and biscuits give us a concussion?

And second of all, who the hell is this guy? They don't tell us. They don't show us the back of his jersey so we can see. I guess who he is is who Bojangles fried chicken and biscuits could afford. But I sure don't know him. Maybe that's it, the point of the commercial. Maybe we're actually two or so years in the future when this hoo-hah, who had no skills other than an arm, footballed himself out and Bojangles fried chicken and biscuits is his life now. In which case, I hope someone kills him soon. Or better yet, kills the dumbass who made came up with this commercial.

Ditropan:

Ahhhh, Ditropan. Ditropan and its sister product Detrol. The anti-pee drugs. Detrol is the "Gotta Go, Gotta Go Right Now" pill, and though their commercials are annoying, at least they came up with a cute little anti-pee jingle to amuse us with.

The Ditropan commercials are a little different, a bit more serious. It's a bunch of women telling us their True Confessions. "I can't believe I'm saying this. But sometimes I don't make it to the bathroom." Well, thank you so very much for that information.

I don't want to know that women pee their pants. I know they do it, we've had two women do it right in the offices of TheCompayIWorkFor. But I'd just as soon live my life and go through my days not concerned that women with wet droopy drawers are in my general vicinity. So if you can't make it to the bathroom without pee running down your leg, keep it a secret, OK?

And that's really not even what bothers me about these commercials. In all the anti-pee commercials, have you noticed the women who experience "bladder difficulties?" They're young, they're attractive, they're well-dressed and well-spoken. Some appear to be in their forties, but some appear to be as young as their twenties! I thought the only reason women in their twenties peed their pants is because they were drunk. Well, color me informed.

I notice there's not one single woman on any of these commercials that looks like Miss E, one of our office peers. About 80, with stark white hair, blood red face, a muu-muu-wearing pepperpot of a woman who walked on a walker. I've yet to see one walker in those "I can't make it to the bathroom" commercials. And in fact, wouldn't being on a walker be a great excuse not to make to to the bathroom?

"Damn this walker!"

"Do what I did, Marge - take Ditropan! Now I can take all the time I need maneuvering to the toilet!"

Please. Ditropan. Detrol. Give me one old wrinkled crone who pees her pants. It's not too much to ask.

(And while I'm at it, anti-pee drugs have one of the longer lists of side effects - dry mouth, light sensitivity, blurred vision, dry eyes [I guess everything gets dry], decreased sweating [see?], flushing, upset stomach, drowsiness, fever, fast pulse, heart palpitations, restlessnes [restlessness and drowsiness?], seizures, difficulty urinating [isn't that the point?], hallucinations. Hallucinations? Of what, the desert? )

Nutri-System:

OK, now I'm the first to admit that I've been a large person for a long time, and I generally hate any product, any corporation, or any individual who promises me I'm going to lose some weight. But this commercial gets on my wick in two separate ways.

The first is that damn woman in the bikini. If you're not familiar with the commercial of which I am speaking (and if you have BBC America, you have to have seen it), it begins with some goon pricing items in a store. And by him walks this woman who's pushing a shopping cart. And the woman just happens to be clad in the tiniest of bikinis, set off oh-so-beautifully with a pair of spike high heels. And of course the goon ogles her as she walks by and the woman exudes an air of happiness that says to the world, "Look at that goon, he's ogling my body. Tee Hee."

Turns out this isn't a model. This is a client, one of the women who does testimonials for the commercial. "Everyone told me, 'You look great to have had three kids,' well, I didn't want to look great for having had three kids!" And so there she is in her bikini, pushing shopping carts and letting men ogle her and shaking her wares for all its worth. "See, everyone? I became small enough to completely exploit myself!"

I'm going to make you a solemn promise right here and now, my bloggers. I don't care if I lose another hundred pounds. I don't care if I lose my entire body weight. You're never going to see me pushing a shopping cart through the Food City in a bikini. Yes, you can have that in writing.

The second is another woman, not in a bikini, near the end of the commercial. She's telling us about how Nutri-System changed her life and how happy she is about it all, and concludes with, "I love being f - thin."

F - ? What? She was going to say something else first, and changed her mind!

And I cannot stand seeing this commercial because of that f - . Was she going to say, "I love being fit?" And then realized, oh these people don't want Nutri-System to be healthier, they just want to be skinny. Was she having a lapse of memory and was going to say, "I love being fat?" Or was she just so damn happy she was getting ready to say, "I love being fuckin' thin," and caught herself at the last minute?

And here's the big question - why the hell didn't the Nutri-System people just edit that out and make her say "I love being thin" all over again without the slip-up? Were they out of money? Had they spent everything on a bikini and heels and taking that first damn woman out somewhere where she could be ogled?

I don't give a shit about the glycemic index. I want to know what the f - meant.

Vonage:

OK, no bitching here. I generally like the Vonage commercials. They're the ones that use the Rock-a-Teens' "Woo Hoo," recorded in the fifties, discovered by Mike and Me, then by Quentin Tarrantino, and now by these guys. I don't know about the Rock-a-Teens or Mike, but I've not seen a penny of royalties.

These commercials show, with "Woo Hoo" blaring in the background, home movies of people doing really dumb things. And that's fine; I like knowing there are people out there doing dumber things than I am.

The latest of these deals with two guys shooting off a rocket in the desert. I won't go into all the details except to say the launch does not go swimmingly, as you might imagine, and turns into a great comedy of errors.

It makes me laugh. I like it. Two thumbs up.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* One more quickie: those commercials for GM and On-Star. They're annoying, sure. But when the music starts and it's supposed to be "Push It" by Salt n Pepa? They're not saying "Push It." They're saying something else that sounds really really dirty.
* We have acrowinners! So, what did the guy really want to say to David Dickenson?
Honorable Mention goes to Flipsycab, with "Egotistical, disgusting, abhorrent, repugnant, overweening dipshit!"
Runner-Up goes to LilyG, with "Eschewing drama, abjectly replied "oh, dear"." (That British reserve.)
Winner goes to DeepFatFriar, with "Every day, Anitques Roadshow outdoes David."
Thanks to all for playing!