A Modest Proposal (or There's Probably Something In Here To Offend Everyone!)

OK, let's play a game. We need to cut some corners here in the old US budget. (That's a game?) And I've just been elected president. (OK, that's a game.) Well, here's the kind of president I am - screw the advisors, I'm gonna do this the way I'd do my budget at the Poderosa, and let's face it, I'm not swimming in money over there but at least I'm not living out in the yard in a refrigerator box. And as of yet I haven't starved.

So let's do this the old-fashioned way. Let's cut some stuff out.

First to go is Utah. Get the mother right out of the way. No use whatsoever, that state is. The Mormons practically own it anyway, we'll sell it to them for a good portion of the 27 gabillion dollars in their coffers, and they can change the name of it to Mormonia. Just think, anybody traveling out west on Amtrak will have to have a passport! And they can charge a little by way of an alien tax to get back some of the gabillions they gave Uncle Sam. It's either pay the tax or listen to Mormon propaganda, and I think I know which way most of us will be going. Oh, and sorry Mr Redford, you're going to have to move your little movie party to Colorado.

Next, we're going to combine Alabama and Mississippi. We'll call it Malabippi. Two of our poorer states, let's face it, and they're eating us up in social welfare programs. So let's just combine them together and do something with them. Now, there's the question, though - what are we going to do. Damn. What are we going to do. Oh, I know. Sell the land to one of the Major Studios and use the whole expanse there for movie-making. You could build every conceivable type of set in Malabippi - build large cities, barren deserts (how hard could that be?), have a civil war set, even set up an interplanetary space type of place. Send all the big stars down there to make movies, that would make them prove they really want to be in the movie biz. Somewhere in all that bunch of land you have to have the Mississippi River, right, but it would of course become the Malabippi River for that stretch, you could film all your water stuff there. There's even coastline for beach movies. Yeah! Let's bring back the beach movie, Malabippi style!

Then I'm going to do something that's really gonna pick up the cash - the top states, well, the completely useless ones, anyway, Montana, North Dakota, and Michigan, which isn't worth much now that the big automakers have moved the auto business away, let's sell those to Canada. They can use them however they want, I don't care. Don't give a shit. Use them for parking. Just pay us the price and do as you please.

And finally, I'm going to have to decide what to do about Florida. Florida isn't completely useless, but it needs some help. So here's what I propose.

First of all, and sorry Mom and Dad, I know you'll have the hump at me for a little while over this, let's move all the old people and retirees up to the panhandle in the new Geezerico. It can be a kind of polyester concentration camp. Golf courses, bingo parlors, bad driving, and early-bird specials at all the restaurants. Then we'll take the west coast, the Gulf side, and sell it to Disney. That way they can expand all they want. Disney can have Cape Canaveral too, they're way more efficient than NASA is these days. That leaves the east coast and southern tip, which we'll make beach only, but we'll designate which beaches cater to what people - we'll have the redneck beach, the beach foreigners come to, the yuppie beach, the rich people's beach, the drunkard's beach, the quiet people's beach, the no smoking beach, the no kids beach, and the beach for people who don't really like beaches. That way there will be a beach for everyone and tourism will explode.

That may leave us with only 46 states, but a with lot more money in our till. And of course, we'll have to change the flag, so there's another great employment opportunity. It's gonna fuck with the Miss America Pageant, but I'm not concerned about that.

It's time to lighten the load. So you borderline useless states better stay on your toes. Hey, New Hampshire, I wouldn't look so smug if I were you.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Thanks to Mike for today's topic, "Least Valuable States."
* Mr M and I went to see these folks last night. And what an impressive group of kids they were.