Submitted For Your Approval, O Lord

You know, I do a lot of driving. Sure, there are people who drive much more, maybe 50 miles to work, and then back, every day, and they're probably never late for work like I am and I'm only ½ a damn mile away.

But I do drive a lot. And all that driving affords me a great deal of thinking time.

Last night on my way to Community Band, driving along the Betty Bet Bet Inspirational Highway, I realized that maybe I was coming to the end of That Long and Winding Cerebral Road. Because I started thinking about the Ten Commandments. And I don't mean the Cecil B DeMille epic, I mean the stone tablets of sin.

Don't ask me how I got to thinking about this particular subject, for I do not know. I don't think I'd recently committed any heinous sins, nor had any committed upon me, but there it was square in my head. It just kept creeping into my mind how there are Ten Commandments and only Seven Deadly Sins. And I started trying to match Commandments to Deadly Sins. Like "envy," that one's easy, it matches "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife or his ass." And "greed," I guess it could match "Thou shall not steal," although to me greed is a much more all-encompassing sin.

But somehow there's no "Thou shalt not be a lazy piece of flesh" (sloth), or "Thou shalt not look at thyself in the mirror and say, 'O Lord, I am looking damn fine today'" (pride).

Back when I used to watch "Designing Women" as I was getting ready for work each morning, I saw a really nice episode where Mary Jo started up a dating relationship with Julia and Charlene's preacher. It was mainly nice because the preacher in question was played by Bruce Davison, and I could look at him all day and never get bored, but it also touched upon the way the religious are viewed by, well, I guess by what the overly pious would call heathens. And it had a conversational exchange between Mary Jo and the preacher I'll always remember because it made me laugh. It went:

Mary Jo: "I shouldn't cuss. I know it says that in the Bible, 'Thou shalt not cuss.'"
Preacher: "Mary Jo, I don't recall the word 'cuss' ever being used in the Bible."

And you know, I guess that's certainly good for me, that there's no "Thou shalt not cuss," "Thou shalt not smoke or drink," and "Thou shalt not look at certain people and think dirty thoughts." For if there were, I'd have to give it up and go ahead and push that "down" button on the escalator and accept my Eternal Punishment.

The current 10 we've got are fairly good, too, I mean, I surely don't want anyone going around killing, robbing or bearing false witness against my person (although I could probably live with someone coveting my ass, but you and I know this isn't going to happen anytime soon).

So. We've got our not killing, stealing, and committing perjury (lest ye never be allowed on "Law & Order" again). Don't bonk your secretary once you're married, honor your father and mother (maybe with a celebrity roast on their anniversary), keep the Sabbath holy (hey, I like Sundays off), and don't have any idols (oops, sorry about the Alan Arkin thing, O Lord) nor other gods .

We can't covet our neighbor's ass, no matter how nice it may be, and we can't give "The Saddest Music in the World" the "Good God" rating on the Movie List, or say, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."

There should be others, though. Like, whatever happened to "Thou shalt not be selfish?" Wouldn't you think that should have been a command to everyone? Or "Thou shalt not spread gossip?" I'm beginning to believe that that scene in Mel Brooks' "History of the World, Pt 1" where Moses drops a stone and the 15 Commandments become 10 could possibly have been a little more documentary-like than he'd planned.

So here for your approval, O Lord, are some Commandments You may want to think about. A sort of Bill of Rights to the original ten.

"Thou shalt not hit someone smaller than thyself."
"Thou shalt think of others once in a while."
"Thou shalt listen more than thee speaketh."
"Thou shalt be kind to animals."
"Thou shalt not drive thy vessel in a reckless manner."
"Thou shalt not drive thy vessel while intoxicated."
"Thou shalt not wake the sleeping."
"Thou shalt not speak loudly in a public place as to be heard above all others."
"Thou shalt not scare thy neighbor."
"Thou shalt not blow thy trumpet as to tumble Jericho walls." (applies to Oktoberfest only)

Then again, maybe those could all be condensed into the Eleventh Commandment. The catch-all. "Thou shalt be a nice guy." It's really not too much to ask, after all. And it's way more important than coveting your neighbor's ass.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Well, the reformatting is complete. Mr M just left the Poderosa after spending the afternoon working on my computer. There was only one slight nervous breakdown, some yelling, a lot of "what's your password again?s," no loss of pictures or music files or emails, a homemade dinner, and things seem to be running quickly and smoothly. Then again, I have to reinstall some more things, but it didn't turn out to be the experience of grief I'd anticipated. And yes, I did have to come clean and admit that to Mr M at the end of the night. Because I follow the Eleventh Commandment.