As The Old People Form That Long, Long Line....

I saw a commercial on TV today when I was home for lunch.

It was another long commercial, as I said before, BBCAmerica likes those long commercials and this must indeed be true, because it was on BBCAmerica I saw this one and on The BeebAm I saw the commercial wherein doggies get the crap shocked out of them. And like it.

This commercial was for life insurance. Life insurance from the AARP.

Now, I have to say that I was struck immediately by this commercial for one reason - the spokesman looked just enough like comedian Harry Shearer for me to look at him and say, "Why, he looks just enough like comedian Harry Shearer for me to look at him and say this." In fact, if he'd had different hair, and maybe a different nose, I think it could have actually been Harry.

And this got me to thinking, wouldn't it have been funny if it in fact was Harry Shearer? If the AARP people came to Harry and said, "We'd like you to do our new life insurance commercial, will ya, will ya?" and he replied, "Well, OK, I will, but on one condition. I won't appear as Harry Shearer, spokesperson. I'll only appear in character, as some schmoe hawking life insurance, and I get to wear a short gray wig and a prosthetic nose. I'll do it like that, just for fun." For some reason, although I'm not an authority on all things Harry Shearer, it just seems like something he'd have a go at.

And then as the commercial started and we got the life insurance spiel, we had various and sundry Old People telling us about the costs of funerals these days. "Funerals can run upwards of $6000!"

Now, maybe I'm just a byproduct of my times, but I don't think of $6000 as much for a funeral. I always thought $10,000 would only get you the cheapiest of cheapie funerals, the kind without any choir and no big luxury limos carrying the family around - so $6000 must be for a funeral akin to the one my friend San told me about where "The State put somebody away." She went to some poor soul's funeral who didn't have money, insurance, or a family who believed in financing, so he had a state-sponsored 'do. San said the thing she'll always remember about that funeral is that, "It was nice, but when you looked down into the coffin to see the body, they didn't put any fancy padding in it, so the body was about three feet down in the box." I hope the difference between the $6000 funeral and the "State putting you away" funeral is some padding. I'd hate to think someone was forking out $6000 and still rolling around at the bottom of his casket.

And so to keep from some poor old person passing on and not at least getting some padding in his box so his loved ones won't have to lean over the coffin just to see his dead ass, the AARP is selling some life insurance. And that's fine. The Almost Looks Like Harry Shearer guy was hawking it, it's apparently very cheap, and everyone's happy.

Well. Yeah. I mean, everyone's going to be happy, and very soon, if they act now on this generous offer.

Because for the first time ever that I've seen one of these AARP insurance commercials, they're offering a special "gift" to those who sign up now. And it's not the gift of having your insurance sold to you by someone who looks amazingly like Harry Shearer.

It's a "comfort massager."

And so they focus there, on the "comfort massager," lying on a little table.

That's not a comfort massager, that's a vibrator!

Yes, the Association for the Advancement of Real-Old People, or whatever their acronym stands for, are pushing life insurance by offering a free geriatric vibrator with every policy. And think about this for a minute. Is this a very wise idea? I mean, some of these people who are going to be buying their life insurance are 80 years old. They're gonna buy that policy, make the initial payment, go wild with the vibrator, and it won't be long before they'll be breathing their last.

And the Association for the Advancement of Real-Old People are going to go toe-up within a year.

Oh, well. It can only mean good things for TheCompanyIWorkFor, I guess, who offers the same product for five times the price, and with no sexual aids.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. And it's hard judging this week, because every entry was a winner. So, what are your New Year's Resolutions, you crums?
- Honorable Mention goes to Kellie, with her "Doing upward scales. Extra practice." Oh, man, that needs to be my resolution. And to Michelle, with her "Douche underneath. Stop eating paste." Now there's a valiant goal for the coming year if ever there was one.
- Runner-up goes to Jellybean, with her "Deliberately use sexist euphemisms periodically." I'll join you on that one, bitch! (Oh, sorry, it's not the new year yet.)
- And this week's winner goes to DeepFatFriar, with his "Dust under stacked erotic paraphernalia." Well, cleanliness is next to godliness....
- Thanks to all who played, and for all the great acros. You guys rule.