How To Speak Bet

I've found something out over the past few years, and mainly it's because of you, dear readers, that I've discovered it.

You all think there's something funny about the way I talk.

I've kind of always known this, I can remember a trip cross-country my family took when I was 10, and my sister and I got made fun of all over the damn place. They made fun of our accents in Texas, for God's sake. I mean, hello?

But I spend a lot of time around here, where I live, isn't that strange, and I talk a lot with people who also live and spend a lot of time around here, where, well, where we all live. And so we talk to each other and understand each other and have a fine old time. And no one makes fun of anyone else, except of course that time I said the word "biscuit" just a little too loudly in a public place and it had something upwards of seven syllables. And I guess I'm okay with that, because it was pretty bad, even for me.

But then along came all of you folks, and Mr M, who likes to announce how he's an honorary Southerner, but it doesn't stop him from making all manners of fun of my language skills, evidenced by our very first meeting when a story he was telling got really confusing because I kept thinking he was talking about a blind man when in reality he was talking about a blonde man.

And of course he always laughs heartily when I talk about the "Ha School," which he envisions as some sort of comedy academy but in reality it's a place 17-year olds graduate from. And how the leader of the Sauerkraut Band is Eh-yed, even though my brother-in-law, who spells his name B-R-I-A-N is "Brine."

And I don't even want to get started on the whole "Pen-Pin" "Boil-Bull" debacle, where all of you, my dear readers, turned on me and voted that you couldn't tell the difference when I pronounced those word pairs, even though there was a clear and distinct difference and you all hurt me very deeply with your lack of correct hearing. And we also discovered that you can add "Lion" and "Line" to that list as well, for only a few months ago I was made all manners of fun of for that one too.

But then there was that night.

Oh, Dear Lord, that fateful night when I was chatting with the faithful in #squeeze and I used an expression that's been in my life as long as people have been talking around me, and that's well, let's face it, forever. And that expression was, "I gave him down the road." I still cannot convince anyone who was there that night that this is a perfectly acceptable phrase in normal usage where I come from, and that it's not only completely clean, it has nothing to do with oral sex whatsoever. Oddly enough, that night came not long after I was also snickered at for using the phrase "the hump," which is also a totally G-Rated term.

So I thought that maybe in an effort to help you all not only understand me a little better but also add some much needed vocabulary skills to your own damn lives, maybe I could give you a few pointers. Below are some terms. These are generally items that I've been 1) giggled at for, 2) asked to repeat and/or explain, or 3) met with a blank stare for using.

Please, use these words and phrases. I need some help here.

* To Give Down The Road - OK, before we go any further here, let me just reiterate to all of you the innocence of the meaning of this, it simply means to tell someone off in no uncertain terms. "The next time I see him I'm going to just give him down the road" is something you might say if someone pissed you off a great deal, or made fun of you for nothing more than your phraseology.

* The Hump - The hump is what you have if you're pissed off at someone, so named because you generally hump your shoulders all up and sulk away. You can give the hump to someone, or have the hump at someone. You are not "humped," or "humping." It's a noun. Or an object. It's been a long time since I was in English class.

* Right - Not a direction, but a modifier. It's not quite "very," but more than "pretty much." Kind of on a par with "a damn sight." Used only recently in the phrase "it's right trippy," and something else I can't remember that I said to Mr M that he made fun of me for saying.

* Your Possum - This simply means "your problem." If you stole from your boss and got fired and want to whine to me about it, forget it. Because it's your possum. The longer, or "formal" useage of this would be, "That's your possum, you wool it."

* Tits on a Boar Hog - It's something, or someone, that's completely useless. As are, well, tits on a boar hog.

* The Fur-Lined Pisspot With The Stucco Handle - This is The Grand Prize, The Brass Ring, The Whole Enchilada, or The Big Deal of the Day. My dad often uses this one when someone wins the biggest poker hand of the night.

* Plum - Now, no offense, but I thought everybody knew how to use "plum." It's a modifier as well, meaning "completely." The nicest-looking girl in town is "plum cute," while the man who just won the marathon is "plum tuckered out." Please practice your usage of "plum;" it has to go with an adjective. I remember fondly the night I got to laugh at Mr M because he tried it out by calling someone "a plum asshole." That's just wrong, people.

* Help My Time of Day - This is your general phrase a la "Good Grief," "Good God," "You Don't Say," "I Can't Believe It," or "Well, Stick A Fork In Me and Call Me Sally." It's just an exclamation.

* So Thin You Could Read The Lord's Prayer Through It - Believe it or not, this means something is really, really thin. (It does?? Well, help my time of day!) After repeated washings during Oktoberfest, the apron to my outfit is currently so thin you could read The Lord's Prayer through it. Personally, I don't know why the Lord's Prayer would be harder to read through something than anything else, but there you go. Maybe the print on the Lord's Prayer is right tiny.

* Fagged - No, don't go there, you're wrong already. This simply means you're tired. Usually goes with "out," but doesn't have to. After cleaning the house my mother would often say she was "plum fagged out."

* Rip - This is a woman of ill-repute or no moral code whatsoever. She would give that other thing that's not "down the road" in a heartbeat. To anyone. "Oh, she's nothing but an old rip."

So there you go, I started you off with eleven. The Baker's Dozen version of a Decalog, if you will, of words and phrases to incorporate into your daily life. I want you to go out tomorrow and use one of them on those nearest and dearest to you.

Oh, and by the way, if you ever hear me talk about ull, I mean the stuff you cook with. Or put in your car. Olive, Wesson, you know....

Oh, never mind.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* If you're the kind of person with extra-sensory perception or you share a brain with me, and you get waves that I'm over here thinking, "Wow, what a great idea it would be to...," please call me up and stop me before I finish the thought. Please.