So, When Does Willem Dafoe Come In?

Actually, he doesn't, so put your mind at ease.

Over the weekend I watched the movie "Triumph of the Will." I'd never seen it. I knew about it, yes, I'm no boob. I know I'm close, but I'm not there as of yet. I know Leni Riefenstahl, and I knew it was her documentary tribute to all things Hitler. Let's just say I knew it was out there, but I'd chosen to keep my distance.

Because, as you well know, I hate Nazis.

In fact, it was when I did my drunken blog for National Drunken Writing Night a month or so ago (only a month? damn) that I got a comment from Stenns suggesting that if I really hated Nazis as much as I say I do (and I do), that I might want to check out "Triumph of the Will," that there would be a lot in it for me to hate. And so I stuck it in my Movie Queue (or as we in #squeeze call it, the Movie Queueueueueue), and since the availability said, "Long Wait," I pretty much forgot about it.

But it came last week, to Mr M's, where the movies come. He watched it first, and called me up to tell me he couldn't wait for me to see it. "You're going to love this. There are more Nazis per square inch in this movie than any movie in history. They couldn't have crammed one more Nazi into this film," he beamed. Well, he was on the phone, I can only assume he was beaming. He sounded like he was beaming.

And so he came down this past Friday night to enjoy a Friday Chill with me, and we watched "Triumph of the Will." Which, when the title flashed onscreen, said, "Triumph des Willens," prompting me to immediately start asking how Willem Dafoe got into this film, and did he play Hitler. You know, he's played Jesus, and I'm totally convinced that Jesus and Hitler are the two most portrayed characters on film, so that would be quite a coup, to have played both. The Triumph des Willem, if you will.

Mr M and Stennie were absolutely right about "T of the W." There is a lot in it to hate, and it does have more Nazis per square inch (NpSqI) than any other movie in history. It was filmed at the Big Nazi Rally in Nuremberg in 1934. Nuremberg looked like a quaint little town, at least before all those Nazis descended upon it.

Now, I don't think I can call this a movie review, because I don't think there's any way I could actually review this movie. Nothing to review, just two or so hours of this Nazi Hoedown, this Nazifest, this Nazirama in Nuremberg. But it certainly did keep me interested for a long period of time. Mainly waiting for close-ups of Hitler so I could shout out, "You Nazi shithead!" and in fact, I had so much fun doing that I finally started shouting it out at 10 or 15 minute intervals just to entertain myself.

But there were a few things that struck me about "T of the W." Like the music. Now, I'm a member in good standing of the Sauerkraut Band, and there was some music in there that we play. Songs I like! And yes, the song I refused to play, Hitler's personal march (the Badenweiler Marsch), was in there as well. But "Seite an Seite?" I love that one! Will I ever be able to play it again? OK, to be fair, I couldn't technically play it before, it being fairly hard, with a tough "road map" (repeats, DSs, and coda), and well, let's face it, it generally comes at a point in the evening when I'm pretty much sloshed anyway. But now! Now!

I tried to clear my head by thinking gentle musical thoughts. "The Baby Was Born With Lederhosen," and "En Muchen Steht Ein Hofbrauhaus."

Another thing that struck me about "T of the W" was that it didn't have that scene, that defining scene I've always associated with the movie, albeit without benefit of ever having seen it. I can always remember seeing a clip from something, a clip of a big Nazi hootenanny where it's night-time, and there are people marching around on a field, holding torches, and doing a formation of a rotating swastika. I'd just assumed it was from "Triumph," I mean, what else could it be from, and when the big night-time torch-lighting rally started up I said to Mr M, "This is where they do the rotating swastika, isn't it?" And he gave me a blank stare. And I found out why, because it wasn't in there, and now I'm totally befuddled as to where that scene comes from. Unless it comes from that night I ate the mushrooms I wasn't supposed to eat.

And another thing that struck me about "T of the W" was, in fact I hate to keep going back to it, those Nazis per square inch (NpSqI). But listen, people. There were a shitload of Nazis in this movie. I mean, the camera would pan back, back, back, and there were more Nazis than the eye could see. There had to have been a million Nazis in this movie. Hitler Youth in their little tents, just like the Boy Scouts at a jamboree. Nazi drummers, and trumpeters, Nazis in cars, little baby Nazis giving Hitler flowers. Nazis in traditional German garb, Nazis in all manner of uniformed dress. Nazis in states of undress. Nazis hanging off light poles and rooftops trying to sneak a peek at Herr H himself. There were Nazis bathing, cooking, eating, marching, romping. Yes! They were romping! I don't remember seeing any Nazis frollicking, but if they did, I'm sure it was somewhere in this film.

They even had the Special Nazi Shovel Corps. A platoon of men armed with shovels, ready to dig at a moment's notice for The Fuhrer. Did they dig his bunker? One can only speculate. But their scene is astounding. Here they are, before Adolf himself, presenting their shovels just like rifles, throwing them up, down, and over their shoulders. And they repeat some sort of long involved Nazi Shoveler's Oath of Loyalty, then get an impassioned speech from Hitler about how the Shovel Corps is the most important Nazi corps in Naziland. Riveting stuff.

Oh, and did you know that even Nazi bands goosestep? Imagine that. Knowing you have to play an instrument while goosestepping, knowing it can't sound very good that way, and yet knowing that if it doesn't sound good you'll be the recipient of a gunshot behind a closed door somewhere. And I thought it was tough playing for Mr M....

On a serious note, if a creepy one, I have to say that some of the actual filmmaking is fascinating. Although the majority of the film looks very documentary-like, the scenes of the Day Rally in the Big Stadium were frighteningly real. One could almost imagine oneself being there, what it felt like, how the sun would be so bright as to burn the eyes, and the massive Nazi frenzy filling the air.

But on another, more musing note, where was the Nazi Dinner Dance? You know that somewhere in all this fun and frivolity there had to have been at least one dinner dance, where The Higher Echelon dined on the finest foods and Les Braun and his Band of Renown played while they all stomped around the dance floor, imagining the day they'd be stomping that way over Poland.

Anyway, enough of this banter. Remember my review of "March of the Penguins?" Remember what I asked? I asked for a companion piece where we'd have the same movie, only with dialogue instead of narration. Funnily enough, Venice informed me that that movie exists. Not only exists, it's the original version of the film!

Well, I want a companion piece to "Triumph of the Will." And I know this one hasn't been made yet. I want a companion piece for "Will" that will be the movie, only with mine and Mr M's comments dubbed over top. Our own little "Nazi Science Theatre 3000." It would contain our musings on how tired everyone's arms must have gotten, marching an entire parade route or standing during an entire rally with that one arm out. And then the conversation would segue into the discussion of the "casual" heil vs. the "formal" heil. Notice how sometimes they didn't stick their whole arm out, they just bent it at the elbow and flicked the wrist? At first I thought only Hitler himself was allowed to use the casual heil, but there are a few people in this film who do it as well, and they weren't even military! They were regular peons doing the casual heil to Hitler. I was shocked, frankly. They were probably shocked, too, later, with 12,000 volts, also behind a closed door.

The companion dialogue would also of course contain me quoting my favorite line from the movie "The Women," re sleeping alone: "Heaven knows it's marvelous being able to spread out in bed like a swastika." Even if it's not a lit rotating one.

And how many times did I get to use the much beloved Python line, "I was head of Gestapo for five years - three years - nein, nein! Was not head of Gestapo at all! I make joke." Well, we'd know how many times, because they'd all be there on the soundtrack.

It would certainly contain Mr M's two lines of the night, his dubbing of dialogue over Nazi speakers at one of the early rallies. After one Nazi Grand Hoo-Hah of some sort makes a remark that has the audience clapping and stamping in response, Mr M told me he'd just said, "Anybody here from Germany?" OK, on a computer screen, mildly amusing. In person? That joke's a winner all around. A little later, another Nazi got up to speak and Mr M dubbed in, "It seems these two guys walked into the Hofbrauhaus...." To which I added, "And one of them had a duck on his head." Yes, I know - how do we not have our own TV show yet?

It would also have all the Hitler Youth jokes, the Sauerkraut Band jokes, the Geobbels jokes, the Rudolph Hess jokes, the Willem Dafoe jokes, the Shovel People jokes, the goosestepping jokes, the "sound of a gunshot behind a closed door" jokes, the Hitler's mustache jokes, and that special added bonus, me yelling, "Ya Nazi shitheads!" about 4000 times.

Those Nazi shitheads indeed. Sometimes you just have to joke.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, what are you coming as to my big Christmas Halloween Bash?
- First of all, special "Good Going, Girl" prize to LilyG, with her little story, which ended in "Hmmm. I'll undress afterwards." We're all waiting for that, Lilster.
- Honorable Mention goes to Kellie, with her "Hannukah Ivan. Ugly Arrangement." OK, I want to see Hannukah Ivan. Wonder if he's wearing Hannukah socks?
- Runner-up goes to DeepFatFriar, with his "Hairless immature unisex alien." One can only imagine....
- And this week's winner is Stennie, with her, well, she had no idea what my blog was to be about, and yet she's coming as "Hitler in underwear - Ach!" Ach indeed. "Was not Hitler in underwear at all! She makes joke."
- Thanks to all who played, and have a happy acro holiday!