Workers of the World, Unite!

I knew it was going to be an interesting day when I began it on my knees.

Well, I didn't truly begin it on my knees, but I did find myself on my knees, in my driveway, when going out to start my car so it could warm up and defrost. Driveway - completely iced. I was in the process of opening the car door, so that was good. I was holding onto the door handle when I slid onto my knees. Had I not been doing that I would have been lying still in my driveway, every bone below the waist broken, screaming for someone to come help me. As it turned out, I was on my knees, holding onto both the front and rear door handles, looking around saying, "Oh, please, God, don't let anyone have seen that." And I don't think anyone did. So I got up and proceeded with my day.

My day, which included a lunch hour full of running. Now, this isn't anything new in Betland, I often have to run around on my lunch hour doing things. And this is OK, I mean, it's not as fun as sitting in the Comfy Chair with my feet up drinking an Orange Crapius and watching Alistair on "Cash In The Attic," but it's not horrible, either.

Except for this one thing.

We at our little office there at TheCompanyIWorkFor have this philosophy. And this philosophy is "If You Don't Work From 9am To 5pm, Get The Hell Out Of Our Way."

Now, this philosophy probably means more to people who live in this general area of Southwest Virginia than it may mean to all yall living in those metropolitan areas. Because around here? We have loads of people who don't seem to do anything to earn a living. We have Old People, who I guess have done their fair share of working and thus don't have to do it anymore, and maybe I can live with this, for I'm in constant hope that I'll live to be old and not have to work anymore, too. I doubt this will happen, but a girl can hope.

We also have those who live on what we call "The Draw." The Draw means you get a check for doing nothing. Remember, this is the coalfield and railroad world here, where Disability is as common as a sneeze. In fact, I think you can get disability here for a sneeze, though I sneeze quite often and I still seem to be working my ass off. But that's me. I don't work for the coal or railroad industry.

The Draw also includes that mysterious lush wonderful way of living called SSI. Now, I say "mysterious" because I've never quite understood how SSI works. Apparently you get SSI if you're too dumb, lazy, ugly, shy, or devoid of any other number of qualities to make you employable. But it also includes children and family members of the above-mentioned group. SSI is rampant in this area. In fact, often when we ask people, at TheCompanyIWorkFor, for their occupations, their answer is "SSI." Well, guess what. SSI is not an occupation, but it may as well be, because these people are drawing enough to have a happy life without benefit of going to an office to be yelled at for 8 hours. So maybe "dumb" isn't one of the qualities involved in getting SSI after all.

So anyway. My little burg is filled with people in town during the day who aren't working. Which is, I guess, why they're filling up the damn town. And here's the thing. They're clogging up the town with their non-working asses while the people who do work are trying to get things done.

We at TheCompanyIWorkFor have an hour for lunch. We used to go out, in twos, when there were four of us working there, and no matter where we went, there were a bunch of non-working folks ruining our eating experience. Sitting there at tables we should have been sitting at, eating food we should have gotten first, complaining about their bills while we should have been blithely paying and walking out the door. We don't even go out for lunch anymore. Too depressing.

(By the way, do you know that if you're old and you complain, you get what you want? I've seen people get extra portions, bigger chicken strips, and combinations younger people would never get just because they look at the staff with those steely old eyes and complain. "I'm a Senior Citizen, I deserve this!" Yeah, yeah. You're getting the Senior Citizen's discount too, I don't see you complaining about that.)

Non 9 to 5ers clog up the restaurants, the bank, the grocery, the department stores. They're just there, clogging. They're in our way!

There should be a law. The "Daytime Workers Provisional Law of Non-Work Production." In it would be stated that if you do not hold a 9 to 5 job, and someone who does (and we'd get little special cards identifying us - with our pictures on them) needs something, they're allowed to get right in front of you.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

"Excuse me, Jubal and Ethel, I see you're both retired. Here's my card. Vacate this table immediately. Yes, you can take your food with you, I'll be ordering my own."

"Umm, sir? Yes, you, with the NASCAR hat. I see you're cashing your check there. Well, here's my card, see, there's my picture, that's me. And I have these coins I want changed into real money. Now move it and let me by, or I'm afraid this several pounds of coinage will be dropped upon your foot. Thank you."

"Ma'am? You're on this bench at the Wal-Mart, and well, I hate to be forward, but my feet hurt and I can't find the light switch plates I'm looking for. Here's my card, see, and I'm going to sit here on your bench while you go find my plates. I'll be right here!"

"Hey, you! You're at my pump! Move your ass, my car needs gas! Here's my card. You have a card too? Oh, never mind, I'll wait."

See? I'm reasonable.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* We have acrowinners. So, what exactly is your big inflatable Christmas yard thingie?
- Honorable Mention goes to Jellybean, with her "Antlered Animal Eating Nog," and Flipsy with her "Atheists and Evangelicals naysaying."
- Runner-up goes to Mike, with his "An all-Eagles nativity."
- And this week's winner goes to Kellie, how could it not be, with "Alan Arkin Eating Nuts." Now, when I drew the double A I had no idea what I'd done till I saw this entry. Now it's all I can think about. My Christmas won't be complete without a big inflatable Alan F eating nuts in my yard!
- May I just say that when I came up with this acrotopic and letters I thought, "Well, this will be boring," but you all proved me wrong. Any one of these entries would make the most fabulous big inflatable Christmas yard thingie. I think we should submit them to the inflatable yard thingie people.
- Thanks for playing!