Hail To Thee, O Alan Arkin (part 1)

(A blog of interest only to myself, I'm thinking...)

Yes, I promised you it was coming. And I think the time is right.

As I mentioned just the other day, my acting idol, no less a person than Mr Alan F Arkin himself (that's Alan Fucking Arkin for you keeping score at home), stars in a movie that wowed them at Sundance last week ("Little Miss Sunshine"). So what else is new? He's been wowing us all for a lot of years.

I've loved Mr F Arkin for some 25 years, since "The In-Laws," and have always tried to catch his work when it happened my way. But it was only when I saw "Catch-22" for the very first time last year - how did I go 35 years without seeing that movie? - that I realized this man was a, well, a genius. And so I started to seek out things I'd missed the first time around, things I hadn't seen in way too long, and things I didn't even know existed. It's a neverending quest, you know, but I'm making inroads. Really, I am.

Currently, Alan F's imdb.com page shows 86 roles, theatrical releases, TV movies, and the like. I'm up to 55. Does that make me scary? I hope not. I'm not, really. I'm just a normal, everyday gal who likes Mr A. In case you're interested, and in the interest of what's to come, here's my current list of viewed roles.

The current Arkin performances I've seen.

And so let's begin our tribute to Mr F Arkin with my Top Ten Alan Roles. This was difficult for me, there are so many I like. But what was especially difficult for me was choosing between the top three. There are three roles, the Big Three, that are so incredibly well-acted and dear to me, to choose one above the others would be like choosing which of your three children to jettison off a sinking ship. But in the end, I made that choice. Sorry, kids!

Top Ten Alan F Arkin Roles

1. Yossarian - From "Catch-22," surely Mr F Arkin's most famous role, and though it was hard to pick a favorite amongst the Big Three, the Mighty Triumvirate of Alan F Arkin Roles, Yossarian just has to come first. There's not a moment he's onscreen that he's not, well, perfect. From answering Paula Prentiss's "I know just how you feel" (after she's kneed him in the groin) with, "I don't think you do," to his, "There, there" to a dying Snowdon, to that most golden of all lines, "I don't wanna," well, how this couldn't have been Oscar material (he wasn't even nominated, if you can believe it) I have no idea. And the scene where he flirts with the lovely Luciana in the bar is, for my money, the best flirting scene ever performed. And then there's always the great exchange: Luciana - "I work for a big American company." Yossarian - "Me too!" Comedy, drama, angst.... Yep, it's number one.

2. Sheldon Kornpett, DDS of the Greater Manhattan Area - From "The In-Laws," my favorite Alan F film. How can you not love Shelly? Well, in short, you can't not love him. This poor, poor man, this otherwise normal, sane guy who gets dragged along on the most insane of capers by Peter Falk's Vince Ricardo. If I quoted all the great lines in this movie, well, my two-part blog would turn into a five-parter - "Oh, God, please don't let me die on West 31st street!" "Beaks? Flies with beaks?" "There's red tape in the bush?" "You're dead, right? Good." "I have flames on my car!" "What he said." "The ocean? It's over the ocean to Scranton, Pennsylania?" "What flow, there isn't any flow." "I've only had four women in my life. Two of them my wife. Once before and once after." OK, I'll stop, there are just too many. But as much as the lines are the looks. The amazing looks our Mr Arkin gives, to Vince Ricardo's stories, and antics, and, well, the look on his face when Señor Pepe is giving him a little kiss - absolutely priceless. Spun gold, it all is. (And the commentary track on the DVD - Peter Falk telling the story of just how much Alan F loved to serpentine; it's great.)

3. Mr Singer - From "The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter," Mr Singer is the deaf-mute who carries a card around with him that says, "John Singer. I am a deaf-mute. I read lips and can understand everything that is being said to me. PLEASE DO NOT SHOUT." Mr Singer is kind, understanding, and lonely. He helps all around him, except his friend, who he wants to help the most. And of course, himself. I hated all those people in town who didn't realize what gold they had in Mr Singer. Mr Singer was also very nattily attired at all times, btw. What a snappy dresser he was. So please, love Mr Singer. Just don't shout at him. Please.

4. Flagg Purdy - From "A Matter of Principle," a PBS television Christmas special. Flagg is one cantankerous old bastard. A father of, I think it was, 11 kids, though I never counted that many in the show, Flagg is a man of principle. So much so that he alienates everyone around him. He'd be worth a mention on this list simply because Flagg doesn't recognize the state of West Virginia, but there's a lot more to love about him. He kicks kids out of the family once they're married (maybe that's where the missing of the 11 I couldn't find went), won't let the family have heat or light in the house, and has his phone turned off because he's refused to pay the county tax of 11 cents attached to the bill, compounded over a period of 3 years. And he hates Christmas. He hates Christmas more than the Grinch ever dared. His refusal to let the family have a tree results in the losing of said family, but of course, just like the Grinch, his heart eventually opens up. After all, this is a Christmas special, right? (BTW, Mr F Arkin reprises his role of Flagg Purdy in a movie, "Raising Flagg," which has had the most limited of limited releases. Shame. I really want to see Flagg again.)

5. Gunny Rafferty - From "Rafferty and the Gold Dust Twins," the movie Stennie refuses to watch simply because of its title. And it's not much of a title, but I have a real affinity for this movie. Alan F plays Gunny, a drunken ex-marine who now lives, well, not much of life at all and works giving driving tests at the DMV. He's kidnapped by an incredibly dumb Sally Kellerman and an incredibly snotty (and probably high) Mackenzie Phillips for a jaunt from California to New Orleans, where hilarity and pathos ensue. The reason I fell for this movie is just Gunny himself, this hapless slob of a man who you can't help but like. As you'll find out, he sings in the movie, wears the same clothes almost throughout, dons a Stetson hat (I'm always asking if I can make a poster for The Stetsons' "next concert," where I'd use a pic of this), drinks a lot, gets his heart broken, and gets to enter and exit his car through the window. However, the movie also has that added special bonus of Harry Dean Stanton, who gets to say the line, "What did you say yer name agihn wuz?" What's not to fall for?

6. Lt. Rozanov - From "The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming," or, as I lovingly refer to it, "The Russians Are Coming²," as the whole title is hard to fit on the Movie List. Alan F's first "real" screen role, he plays the confused crew member of a Russian sub gone aground off the coast of a small New England island. Poor Rozanov, trying to find a boat and almost setting off World War III. I always thought he looked more like a character from a cheesy motorcycle movie than a Russian naval officer, but that's OK. He's still a hoot, gets to teach his fellow Russian sailors to say, "Emergency! Everybody to get from street!" and tells Carl Reiner, "I know everyone on this island is complete and total crazy, but you, Whittaker Walt? You are crazy, too?" But for some reason the one that makes me giggle uncontrollably is when Reiner apologizes for shooting at him. He says with a wave, "Don't do it no more." See? I'm giggling now.

7. Milo - From the little-seen but much appreciated movie "Magicians." Alan F plays the mentor of sorts for two budding magicians and one budding magician's assistant, on a trip to Vegas in a stolen van, learning their act as they go. Mr F Arkin completely steals the movie, with his broken English and lines like, "I had a run-in with guys like these in the 70s - they almost killed me to death," and the way-too-hard-to-explain here, "You want to eat? Talk tits!" It's fun. Milo is fun. But don't seek it out if you're looking to watch great magicianship.

8. Burt Kessler - From the 1975 fun western, "Hearts of the West." Jeff Bridges finds himself (it's a long story) in the western movie biz. Burt Kessler is an egomaniacal movie director - actors are so much flotsam and jetsam to him. It's been way too long since I've seen this movie, but I loved Burt, who had a thing for Blythe Danner but of course loses her to Jeff Bridges. The movie is worth seeing, though, for the scene where Mr F Arkin ambulates around in a rolling chair, pulling himself this way and that. That scene is etched in my memory.

9. Harry Roat - From that Audrey Hepburn thriller, "Wait Until Dark." Harry Roat, the master criminal who may be one of the most evil villians to appear onscreen. He also has a haircut that has to be seen to be believed. Poor blind Audrey has the misfortune of having a heroin-filled doll that Mr Roat wants, and wants bad. And he'll stop at nothing to get it. Anyway, Mr A goes through his role as this man of many disguises with relish, completely terrorizing Ms Hepburn and thus making the free world hate his guts. But did I? Not really. I just watched with admiration.

10. Police Captain - From the Mike Myers flick, "So I Married An Axe Murderer." He doesn't even have a name! He doesn't even have a credit! Yes, in this uncredited role, Alan F has 3 scenes and again steals the movie. He plays Anthony LaPaglia's police captain, a "get in touch with your feelings" kind of captain, who answers LaPaglia's long whine about how policework is more Fish than Starsky and Hutch with, "Sounds like somebody needs a hug!" But the second time we see him, he bursts into the room, kicks LaPaglia's feet off the desk, rants at him, threatens him, and pins him against the wall. After Anthony leaves the room, he comes back in to congratulate Mr Police Captain on his efforts. "Really? Was it OK? I liked the first part, but I don't know about the end," he wonders nervously, biting his finger. Then in his final appearance he calls LaPaglia "paisan" and mentions he's going to send his spaghetti-bending butt back to Milan. "I don't have time for this," LaPaglia calls running out. "Was it too much with the ethnic slurs?" the Captain asks. It's wonderful. I need a hug.

Now, it was very difficult for me to stop here. I thought of "The Top 10, No, The Top Dozen, No, The Top 15 Alan F Arkin Roles," but I knew that in the interest of fairness I had to stop at 10. But that doesn't mean I don't have a few roles and performances that were bubbling just under the Top 1o. How could I go without mentioning....

I hated keeping off Murray Abromowitz from "The Slums of Beverly Hills," George Kraft from "Mother Night," Lou Perilli from "Steal Big, Steal Little," and Sam Drebben from "And Starring Pancho Villa As Himself." So I'll mention them anyway. There. Oh, and Rueben Shapiro from "Joshua Then and Now." And Leon Feldhendler from "Escape From Sobibor!" Oh, and Edward Scissorhands's adopted dad and the only nice guy in "Glengarry Glen Ross," and...oh, I'll stop here. There are only so many hours in a day.

And so ends part 1 of my two-part blog. Part 2 shall appear Thursday. That gives you roughly 48 hours to go find all of the above films and give them a watch. Go ahead, I'll wait....

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have Acrowinners! Thanks for playing this week! So, tell me your Car Names.
- Honorable Mention goes to Kellie, with her "The Toyota Hiyah, The Dodge Eat-my-dust, and the Subaru Shooter." The Shooter would be a pickup of some sort, I'm sure, and what a friendly car the Hiyah would be.
- Runner-up goes to Flipsycab, with her "The Toyota Hiroshima, The Dodge EXTREME!!!!, and The Subaru Slapteeback." The Hiroshima - how much better does it get than that.
- And this week's winner goes to Mike, with his "The Toyota Humidifier, The Dodge Erotica, and The Subaru Seizure." I'd ride in the Humidifier, I think. And I might take to calling the podmobile the Seizure from now on.
- You all had excellent cars, and did very well! Thanks again!