Hail To Thee, O Alan Arkin (part 2)

Yes, when I left you Tuesday, I was extolling the virtues of no less a person himself than Mr Alan F Arkin. I'd told you about my quest (to see roughly anything he's done), and my results so far, which the latecomer can view here. Then I set about that most difficult of tasks, ranking my favorite Alan F performances.

I thought today, to end my little extollation, if in fact that's actually a word, I'd just give you a few thoughts and fun facts. Alan F Trivia, if you will, and pay close attention, for with me one never knows if a quiz is lurking just around the corner.

So let's begin.

Arkin! Arkin!: Of course, we all know Mr FArkin is an author as well as an actor. Surely we did. I mean, if you didn't know that, you haven't been properly reading my blog. Sherman and Peabody's Reading Club devoted an entire session to reading the works of Alan F. I think seven is the current tally on books, I've read six. They range from the "for the very small" ("Some Fine Grampa" and "Tony's Hard Work Day") to the "for the young and young at heart" ("The Lemming Condition," "The Clearing," "Cassie Loves Beethoven"), to the "for the not-so-young but still searching" ("Halfway Through The Door"). I always seem to be re-reading "Halfway Through The Door," and enjoyed "Cassie Loves Beethoven" immensely, as did Sherman as well, since he took over my blog to do a book report on it. As for "The Lemming Condition" and "The Clearing," well, if I had the funds I'd buy a copy of both for everyone I know. They're wonderful books, and "The Clearing" had me boo-hooing throughout. It's truly touching. I hardly ever even cry at movies anymore, and this book had me weeping. I recommend them, as a set, to everyone.

Arkin Sings!: Well, we all knew that also, didn't we? Surely we did. I mean, he was one of the writers of "The Banana Boat Song," for cryin' out loud! And he was in the Tarriers, and the Babysitters, whose songs for kids I enjoy listening to quite a bit, thanks. (Bitchin' version of Woody Guthrie's "Taking You Riding In The Car.") But guess what? He seems to be singing a lot in his acting roles as well. Of all my list of characters, that's 55 to those of you who don't want to count, he's singing in no fewer than... 7 of them. Oh. Well, that's not that many, is it? Damn, I thought he sang more than that! But those singing roles are gems, like "Rafferty And The Gold Dust Twins," where he sings a gospel number at the wheel of his car, along with handclaps, and "Edward Scissorhands," where he sings Christmas carols on the roof. Then there's "Simon," where he not only sings but plays the piano and the saxophone (an instrument I tend to hate, but then again I am in the Blacksburg Community Band). And "The Return of Captain Invincible," where he sings all over the damn place, but remember, I was on LSD when I was watching that one. Or so I'm convinced. He also sings and plays the organ in "A Matter of Principal." I like that one. Of course, Inspector Clouseau always seems to be singing. But unfortunately, Mr Singer, who by his name alone should have sung, didn't sing at all because, well, he couldn't.

Running and Driving: Here we have a little more success. For those of you who've seen "The In-Laws," and you know who you are, there's a great commentary track on the DVD with Alan F, Peter Falk, and the movie's writer and director. At one point Mr F Arkin says he's come to discover that all acting really is is running fast and driving fast. He does both in "The In-Laws," as well as another astounding 23 of the above roles. At least. I was being conservative there. He seems to do a lot of driving, Gunny Rafferty and Milo from "Magicians" drove cross-country (they both also run, btw), Sheldon (from "The In-Laws") got to drive very fast and not only run but serpentine as well, The Bean never got to drive, but he sure ran around a lot, Simon spends the second half of his movie running, and Barney Cashman drove a lovely Chrysler. Harry Willette from "Cooperstown" makes a long drive with a ghost in his car, Lou Perilli from "Steal Big, Steal Little" is on the run, so he runs and drives for dear life. And though Mr Singer apparently can't drive, he can run when the need arises. Yossarian runs, too, but doesn't drive, he just sits in a plane a lot.

Glad It Didn't Work Out: I found out quite by mistake when reading about the 30th anniversary of the movie "Blazing Saddles" that when the project first came into being, it was to star James Earl Jones as Bart, and be directed by - none other than our own Alan Arkin. Now, although this idea does intrigue me a great deal, in the end, I'm glad it didn't work out. I can't imagine "Blazing Saddles" as anything other than what it turned out to be, and also can't help but think Mr F Arkin would have given it a decidedly edgy turn. But that's just speculation. Who knows, really? Hell, if they can take "The Producers" and make a musical of it and a movie of the musical, why can't we have the alternate "Blazing Saddles?" I guess because James Earl Jones would make one old sheriff by now. Bart the retiree.

The Cursing Arkin: Well. You know, I like to curse from time to time. Yes, I'm aware that many of you may be shocked to your foundations by this admission, but it happens to be true. And yes, if there's one thing I've said, and said with conviction, it's that Alan F Arkin is a good cusser. He does that thing very well, and in my opinion, ladies and gentlemen, no one on this earth can utter a good "goddamn" like that man. It may well be his best single line in any given movie. And I guess movies being what they are in this day and age, it's no great surprise when I tell you that there's no shortage of curse words included in the Alan F filmography. It goes from the mild, like crap, damn, hell, shit, pissed, and "thing" (there's a good one), onwards to son of a bitch, bastards, whore, screw, goddamn, shit face, balls, tits, vagina, Jesus Christ, and Jesus God Almighty, all the way to snatch (forgive me, Mrs Bowles, for typing that), prick, fuck, fucking, fuck you, and fuck you, fruity ass. Then - there's Milo. Milo, from the movie "Magicians," to whom English is a second language, and who loves to string together curses from the shorter dammit to hell, to the longer damn bastard fucking shit hell, to the wonderful God fucking shit bastard shit goddamit to hell. I like Milo. I like Milo a lot, goddammit.

The Phrase That Pays: And with all that cursing, there's still one phrase, completely clean, that has to be my favorite line ever uttered by Alan F Arkin. It happens twice in "Catch-22," first of all when General Dreedle asks why Yossarian's not in uniform (he happens to be naked, of course), and again when Milo asks why Yossarian's not in uniform (he happens to be naked again, of course). Yossarian's answer both times? "I don't wanna." It's just the most charming, innocent, honest answer to the question. I don't wanna. It's the one line I will always associate with Mr F Arkin. But - imagine my surprise much later in my quest for Arkin on film, when I'd happened upon the movie "Big Trouble." "Big Trouble" is not a great movie by any means - it pales as a comparison to "The In-Laws" (it re-teams Arkin & Falk), although it does have Mr A performing what has to be one of the greatest spit-takes ever put onto film, after Alan F's character drinks (if I remember correctly) a sardine liqueur. Anyway, near the end of the film, Alan F and Peter F (Falk) are in the middle of a big caper, and at one point Peter says to Alan F, "I need you to come over here." Imagine my utter astonishment when Alan F's answer was, "I don't wanna." Was it an homage to Yossarian? Who knows? All I know is that it pushed me to give the movie an extra half-star on the movie list.

And How Did That Operation Go?: OK, it's something of a joke, that one. Suggested by Stennie one night when I was mentioning some of the less-than-stellar movies in which my idol has appeared. I think it was maybe "The Jerky Boys" to which Stenns mentioned that on that one, apparently Alan F's son Adam needed a kidney operation. I mean, to be honest, there's something that's actually endearing to me about someone who works for money, just like I do. Aren't actors allowed to do that? Must everything be for "their art?" Who knows? I'm not an artist, so I sure don't. Anyway, what if Stennie was actually right? If so, the poor F Arkin family has had some serious befallments. "The Jerky Boys" (Adam's kidney), "Improper Channels" (Tony's lung), "Full Moon High" (extensive dental work for Alan), and "Chu Chu and the Philly Flash" (new hip replacements for the entire family). Which is not to say Alan F himself sucked in all these - let me make this perfectly clear!

The One That Got Away: I'm on a constant watch for anything on Alan F's imdb.com page that I haven't seen. And I'm game for anything, really. But there's one movie I really want to see, a movie that seems to be the most out of print movie in the history of film. And that would be a little number called "Deadhead Miles." Written by Terrence Malick, it's not on video, DVD, cable, flash cards, or 16mm prints I can hold in front of a light bulb. It's my Holy Grail. My TV Holy Grail, btw, is Alan F's guest starring turn on "The Muppet Show." Hopefully that'll be released for home viewing before the idea of "Muppet Show" DVDs dies, or I do.

Oh, Those Titles: "Rafferty and the Gold Dust Twins," "Chu Chu and the Philly Flash." Enough said.

And I Can't Let It Go Without Saying: In "The Rocketeer," our very own, yes, no less a person than Alan F Arkin himself, plays a character called "Peabody." And he is something of a Peabody, the expert tinkerer who mentors the younger, headstrong boy. Now, I'm sure Mr P himself would see no similarities in this, other than the name, which I'm surprised he didn't sue over (Mr P's become quite suit-happy lately; his lawyers are very busy), and granted, Mr F Arkin's Peabody is a lot more humble than our Mr P.

And so there you have it. My little 2-part blog tribute to that most talented of actors, authors, singers, he's a Renaissance Man for our time, Alan F Arkin. I'm still waiting for that Oscar, and for the world to recognize him as the special talent that he is.

Now, leave me alone. I have to go work on my quest.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* I seem to have the most interesting of occurrences whilst driving. Last night when heading to band practice, right there on the side of the road on Rt 460 was a man - taking off his pants. He wasn't hidden, like he'd just had a roadside pee or anything, he was standing up, right beside the driver's side door, hoisting down his trousers. I don't know, I don't wanna know....