An Olympic Blog

Well, I guess it is that very bewitching time, and I guess I'd better get myself in the Olympic Mood. So tonight I watched the opening ceremonies. I never get them, but I watch them anyway. I like to imagine what some life form from another planet might think if it happened down during the opening ceremonies. And in fact, I kind of view these things as if I myself were an alien life form that just happened down.

I do like to see the countries come in, though. I like to see what they're wearing, and who has the best hats, and who gets to carry the flag. Thankfully, this year, the countries came in very early into things, thus assuring I'd see everyone before I fell into an LLSoB (large lumbering sleep of boredom).

And so here it is, my first Olympic Update in earnest:

It's Oktoberfest! Sure, the games are in Italy, but there was a decidedly Bavarian theme at the beginning of the opening ceremonies. There were lederhosen, there were alpenhorns, there were big skating plastic cows and people in cow dots dancing around on the ice. I like to think of this as what Oktoberfest would be like if I dropped acid instead of Goldschlager, and it was quite enjoyable, though I don't think I'll go looking for drugs when October rolls around this year. Once was enough.

Look For Me In One Of Those! Well, once again, the most interesting outfits of the opening ceremonies were worn by the sign carriers that lead the countries into the stadium. This time, the ladies were wearing long dresses whose skirts were made like mountains. They were white, with peaks and valleys in them, and little standy-uppy pine trees. I didn't see any downhill skiers heading for the pines, nor did I see any of the cows we were treated to in the earlier festivities, nor did I see the goat Dick Van Dyke skied over, thus spraining his body. Wouldn't it have been cool, though, if underneath all that blousoned material of the skirts they could have had some battery-powered motorized stuff that would have allowed downhill skiers, and maybe even a little chair lift. Anyway, I'm starting next week. I've got to have me one of those skirts, even if I have to make it myself.

The Official Antibiotic Of The Winter Olympics! As the nations were marching into the ring, imagine my surprise at seeing a mountain-skirted sign carrier telling us the next nation was the nation of Cipro. "Holy shit!" I exclaimed, "Cipro has fielded an olympic team? Well, they'll be the healthiest competitors at the games." Then imagine my complete disappointment when I found out Cipro is just the Italian way of saying Cyprus.

I'm The Cutest Man In My Country! The nation of Ethiopia has only one competitor. He's a cross-country skier. I guess there was no big fight about who was carrying Ethiopia's flag this time. Anyway, he was very cute, so I just thought I'd mention him.

To Rouge Or Not To Rouge! The nations could be divided into two sides tonight. Those whose women wore make-up and those whose women did not. You had your made-up nations, France, USA, Great Britain, Germany, Norway, and your unmade-up nations, Estonia, Moldova, Uzbekistan, Nepal, and Mongolia.

Oh, My God! Peter Gabriel, in a skull-cap, signing a very very bad version of "Imagine." Next!

Winners of the CBPC Awards! OK, my very first Betland Olympic Medals ceremony is about to be conducted. Winners of the Cute Boys Per Capita Awards. Gold goes to Lithuania, Silver goes to Slovenia, Bronze goes to Italy. Come collect your medals round my house, anytime in the next few weeks, boys.

Let the Olympic Updates begin.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* When I read "Belmondo lights Olympic Flame," I got all excited. Jean Paul Belmondo is lighting the Olympic Flame? That's way better than an athlete! Then I realized it was in fact some skier named Stefania Belmondo, and I lost my excitement. I guess it was too much to ask.