Following The Meeting With Peabody's Crack Team Of Lawyers

You know, I like to tell myself that I don't think a lot about money. It was recently pointed out to me by someone, someone we won't mention but we all know who he is, that I do in fact think about money way too much, as evidenced by the fact that I'm always squirreling money away here and there and being afraid to spend it, and that's something I cannot deny.

It was only a few weeks ago when I cleaned my kitchen - I mean, really cleaned it, not just spot-cleaned it, and that entails cleaning off the kitchen table, which has one lame leg and holds everything I own, including my liquor - that I found an envelope and wondered, "Hmmm, what is this?" Then I opened it up and saw that it was the $300 I still had left of my Christmas bonus and was afraid to spend and kind of forgot that I had. I took a hundred out of it and have since spent some of that, but I re-hid the rest. Because I'm afraid to spend it.

I also take money from birthday presents and the like and hide it away, put it in my wallets and handbags separate from the "walking around" money from my paycheck so I won't spend it, because I want to save it to use on "something special." Which I'm afraid to do, so I just carry that money around, and eventually will blow it on something useless like hard liquor and clove cigarettes. And gas.

So maybe I do think about money more than I let on. I guess what I mean by it all is that I don't spend much time wondering how I can get more money. Good thing, because I suppose if I did get more money, I wouldn't spend it.

But sometimes, although money is nice, it's not about money. It's about principle. And one of those times is right now. It's been brewing for a while, but I finally decided to take action upon the brewing and meet with Peabody's crack team of lawyers. Because it's about time I sued somebody.

You see, my fine feathereds, my very being has been suffering some infringement lately.

Now, I'm a pod. We all know this, I've been telling you all about it since I've been keeping a blog. Mr M discovered this fact about me and set out to study me and present me to the world. He hasn't presented me as yet, but I have been diagnosed and, as far as I'm concerned, that is that.

Apparently other people don't see it so plainly. And I know this is true because there are a lot of "pods" springing up here and there, hither and yon, right in the Public Eye.

And so I need to sue someone about it and reclaim my rightful title. Here's a short list of those on their way to Lawsuit City, Arizona.

1. iPod, the mp3 people
2. Podcasting, the talking on the internet people
3. PODS, the transportable storage people
4. Sticky Pod, the device that mounts a camera onto your automobile people
5. The Pod, the British little travel trailer people
6. The Pod, the "our lawn canopies are geodesic domes" people
7. Odd Pods, the grow your own cacti at home people
8. POD, the heavy metal/thrash/scary band
9. "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," both the 1956 and 1978 versions
10. The POD Network, a higher learning organization
11. TPOD, the "trauma pelvic orthotic device"
12. K-Pod, a software used in connection with iPods
13. Toyota, who made a concept car called The Pod
14. Pod, an upscale restaurant in Philadelphia
15. The Senseo Coffee Machine, which delivers individual cups of coffee via coffee pods
16. All other coffeemakers who snatched Senseo's coffee pod idea
17. Escape Pod, the science fiction magazine
18. "2001 A Space Odyssey," and all involved with the book and movie ("open the pod bay doors, Hal")
19. Whales
20. Peas

The meeting with Peabody's crack team of lawyers was quite interesting. They're fascinating folks. They told me right off the bat to stay away from iPod. Nothing but heartache trying to sue iPod, litigation would go on for centuries, and even if they could pull it off, I'd be long dead before I'd see any compensation. So we crossed them off the list quickly.

Same for podcasting. Podcasting is a movement, and I was told it is exceedingly difficult to sue a movement. We'd have to get all of the podcasters to show up to court at the same time, en masse, and if only a couple of people overslept there could be continuations forever. Not to mention the fact that since I'm now part of a podcast, I'd be suing myself, which is just silly. Ix-nay on the odcastingpay.

"Invasion of the Body Snatchers" was pretty much out as well. The first movie came out four years before I was born, and was I told they were pretty much safe. The second came out in 1978, decades before my diagnosis, and besides, it has Donald Sutherland in it and I couldn't live with myself if I sued Donald. No go on the body snatchers.

Now, we had K-Pod the software, Odd Pods the cacti, Sticky Pod the mount on camera, and The Pod geodesic garden tents. I'd never heard of these, I found them while doing my research before the meeting, and so the lawyers said if I hadn't even heard of them then they couldn't be making too much money (even though the geodesic people can't be poor, because they don't even have prices listed on their tents which means they're more than any of us can afford), and so all I'd probably be doing with a lawsuit is shutting down the companies, putting normal people like myself out of work, and making them go home to crying, hungry children every night. Not that the lawyers minded setting this all into action, but I told them I'd have a think and get back to them.

That brought us to Toyota, which I must admit was tempting, and The Pod British caravans, but frankly, I just couldn't set proceedings against them into motion. The Toyota Pod (<- go there and look at it), and The Pod Caravans (<- go there and look at them) are just about the cutest little things I've ever seen in my life. You just can't sue cute. That's all there is to it.

So that took our ever-dwindling list down to the POD Network and the TPOD trauma pelvic orthotic device, and I just don't know if I have the heart to pull the rug out from under people trying to get an education or people with traumatic pelvises. The only worse thing I could imagine would be pulling the rug out from under people with traumatic pelvises trying to get an education. It's just not done. (By the way, the TPOD seems to be a very nice device indeed. I'm looking into maybe purchasing one, which really goes against the whole grain of suing someone infringing my person.)

I was told Escape Pod the magazine and "2001 A Space Odyssey" were possibilities, but let's face it, those science fiction folks are creepy people and they'd find a way to get their revenge. All I need is to wake up one morning and find a big monolith at the foot of my bed and then turn into a baby. While my alarm clock sings "A Bicycle Built For Two" and plots to kill me.

POD the scary band and Pod the restaurant were next. Famous rock bands and upscale restaurants have lawyers almost as vicious as Mr Peabody's. I scratched them off.

That left PODS the storage people, Senseo and the like with their coffee pods, whales, and peas. Everyone knows whales have no money to speak of, and I guess to sue peas you'd have to sue God, and I don't think even I'm that brave.

So now I had a decision to make. Storage pods or coffee pods. Well, I like coffee, coffee's my friend. Coffee is also very popular with some very powerful people. I wouldn't be surprised to find out there's a coffee lobby in DC. And they do say, "Never sue a friend."

PODS storage, look out. By process of elimination, I suppose you're to be the poor souls made an example of. I'm asking for $400 billion dollars, and one of your storage pods to put it in while I decide whether or not I can spend it.

You know, I wonder if, as an out of court settlement, the other people would just give me some of their products? That'd be a nice life, driving the Toyota Pod around, pulling The Pod caravan behind me when I went to visit friends. Filming my car trips with the Sticky Pod. Lazing around the house, reading Escape Pod the magazine, surrounded by cacti, drinking as much pod coffee as I could hold, then ambling out to the yard to nap under my Pod geodesic tent.

Then I could jump back in my Toyota Pod, plug in my new iPod, and head up to Philly for a night of fine eating at the Pod restaurant. And if the whole trip to the big city became too traumatic, I could just don my new Pelvis Pod and calm myself right down.

And I could have as many peas as I could eat. If that was OK with God, of course.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* The new edition of Hucklebug, the podcast (don't sue!) is now up and running! Access by iTunes or http://hucklebug.blogspot.com or http://feeds.feedburner.com/Huckle-bug.
* Mr M is officially now gainfully unemployed. Give him a handshake and hearty congratulations. He's happy about it.