Holy Fucking Shit

I was going to try and come up with some sort of pun or witty bon mot as a title to tonight's blog, but this was much more appropriate. And those who were with me during the Oscar telecast can attest to this, as I uttered the phrase "holy fucking shit" upwards of 4 dozen times after the Best Picture Oscar was announced.

It was "Crash."

Pardon me, but once more, with feeling. Holy fucking shit.

I blogged about "Crash" after I saw it. May I refer you here (Sept. 13), back to my original thoughts on this train-wreck of a motion picture. "Crash" is a movie about racism. OK. Sure, a movie about racism can be made, and probably should be made. It's just that the movie that can and should be made is not "Crash."

Because, to be blunt about it, "Crash" is a shitty movie.

When I did my original "Crash" blog, I expounded upon two main themes, or tried to, in my own shoddy way. The first theme was the incredibe shitability of the script, which was implausible, holy (not in the the Jesus way, in the way that means "full of holes"), rambling, and self-important. (By the way, in a stunning kick in my teeth, the screenplay also won an Oscar.) The other theme was that it's one of those movies that tries very hard to teach us a lesson by making us all feel really bad about ourselves. By the time the movie wraps up, after preaching to us all with a wagging finger for over an hour and a half, I guess we're all supposed to sigh deeply, take a dark, truthful look in the mirror, and say, "Boy, have I been living wrong. I gotta change myself, and pronto."

Only I didn't do that. And I won't. And "Crash" can't make me do it. Understand, "Crash?" You can't make me do it!

I'm now about six months past my viewing of "Crash," and I'd, thankfully, kind of wiped it from my mind. It took a while, but I did it, on my own, without therapy, drugs, or screaming into a pillow. Then all the Oscar buzz started, and it came roaring back into my consciousness. It was uninvited and unwanted. But it came just the same, like the Jehovah's Witness who won't stop knocking at your door.

"Surely it won't be nominated," I kept telling myself. Then I kept telling myself, "Surely it won't win. I mean, gay cowboys. Hollywood loves gay cowboys." But apparently I was wrong, and Hollywood doesn't love gay cowboys as much as I thought, or as much as they should have. (I say this without having seen the gay cowboy movie, but let's get real here, it doesn't really matter. The winner should have been gay cowboys. Or TV newsmen, fey writers, or Olympic terrorist hunters. Anything.)

But anyway, back to the paragraph before last. It came crashing back to me, no pun intended, and so I started thinking all over again about how much I hated this film. And the more I thought, the more I realized something. That was the fact that, besides it being a completely shitty film and all, I was sick of being preached at. I was preached at by the people who made the film, and since then I've been preached at by the people who see it as some beacon of truth, required viewing for every American. For it's getting to be that if one doesn't like "Crash," well, one is just as bad as the people in the film. And the people in the film were pretty bad indeed.

Now, I'm perfectly willing to admit that I am not without prejudice somewhere or other in my life. I'm big enough to do that. But am I the person who crosses the street when I see someone of a different race approaching me? No. Am I the person who thinks someone of an ethnic persuasion is going to break into my house? No. Do I evade any Middle Easterners, thinking they're obviously terrorists trying to blow my ass up? No.

And more importantly, if I'm being given the runaround on the phone by someone named Shaniqua, do I say, "Shaniqua - big fuckin' surprise," like Matt Dillon's character did? Oddly enough, the answer to that is no. Poor misguided fool that I am, I'd have the audacity to say, "Dammit, you're giving me the runaround on the phone!" (Actually, I was even lying about that. I, poor misguided fool that I am, would actually have the audacity to say, "Thank you," hang up the phone, and dial again, trying to get someone more helpful. But I'm like that.)

And in the final analysis, those pro-Crashers who accuse us con-Crashers of being like the people in the film - doesn't that make them as bad, too? They're Crashists!

Frankly, thinking about this makes my brain hurt.

Last week I read something by a guy named Erik Lundegaard. He wrote an article on msnbc.com talking about the crappiness of "Crash," and yesterday he did a very good follow-up article after it won the Oscar. I shall refer you to it here, because he talks about the movie more intelligently and eloquently than I ever could. And because of this fact, I encourage you all to go there and read something smart about the film.

But besides being smart and all, Mr Lundegaard makes a point that was something of a revelation to me. For I knew I hated "Crash," but I'd missed the most glaring of facts as to why. He pointed it out to me, clear as day. Because the problem with racism in America, and everywhere else, I guess, is that we all think it. In "Crash," they all say it. They say it, right out loud, into the faces of the people they're racist towards.

Thank you, Mr Lundegaard, for helping me to see the light. Now if you could just explain the whole story of the murderee and why he's murdered by the murderer, I'll come and visit you, with a hundred dollar bill, and give you a big kiss on the lips to boot.

And so, the Oscars came and went and "Crash" won Best Picture. I should just try and forget about it again, like I did those months after seeing it. After all, who remembers the Best Picture Oscar from year to year anyway? Well, I do, but I'm a geek.

But it still irks me. It irks me, probably because I'm thinking that people out there who would have given "Crash" a pass before will now feel an obligation to see it. And that Best Picture label it now has will tag it "Important" rather than just "Self-Important." And people will believe in it. And if they do, will they take that dark, truthful look into the mirror and think, "Yes, I've been living wrong and I have to change?"

Which means if they do, I guess, they'll stop spouting racist remarks into people's faces and go back to thinking them silently. Yes, put racism back where it belongs! In the mind, in rejected loan and job applications, behind polite smiles!

OK, it was a joke.

Anyway, my answer to the "How did 'Crash' win Best Picture" question? I have two, actually. The Academy decided that maybe they'd look a little more noble if they voted anti-racist than if they voted pro-gay cowboy.

Or...

"Crash" didn't really win. Jack Nicholson just opened another Best Picture envelope and yelled "Crash." (Hell, knowing Jack Nicholson, he might have yelled it because he was going to crash.) By that point, the director and producers were up onstage and nobody was brave enough to say, "Excuse me, little mishap here," and yank the statuettes from their (very white) hands.

I mean, really. Have you gone and looked at the Lundegaard article I gave you the link to? Look at the picture of Nicholson there with the winners. That is the look of a man who's just pulled something over on somebody, and I think we know what and who.

By the way, as the Oscars were wrapping up, Jon Stewart kept telling everyone to drive safely. Drive very safely. He apparently saw "Crash" as well, and got the underlying message of the entire film. And he knew about all those foreigners out on the LA highways and by-ways, and was worried about the safety of his fellow showbizzers.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Good lawks a mercy, look at the acroers! Let's see what we got up to with "Your Name."
- First of all, a Special Award of Merit to Krizzer for her entries. She really did have the toughest time of it.
- Honorable Mention goes to LilyG, with her, "Lent is looming." "Yes, God." Sure, the George one was good, but this one made me laugh right out loud.
- Runner-up goes to Stennie, with her, "Starting to embrace natural nerdiness." It's about damn time!
- And the winner this week is Mike, with his "Maybe if 'Crash' had acting...?" The answer is a resounding no, Mr H.
- Thanks to all who played, you rock, and thanks to Mr M for the topic. It turned out to be a great idea.