More Fun on the Web

It's an odd world I inhabit.

Today at work we had a small (very small) lull in the action, and so I decided the time was right for me to go online and order some Lip Ease Cushions. These are some little babies that I probably shouldn't buy, certainly shouldn't need, but I do both anyway. They help to keep me from biting a gaping hole in my bottom lip when I play the clarinet. They're little plastic sheets you fold over your teeth to, well, and I guess they're well-named, ease your lips.

I went to the normal website I get these from. They were "on order." So I went to another. They were also "on order." And so I said, "Shit," as I do, and did a search for the item.

I found another version of the cushion, looking exactly the same but made by a different company. And here's where the fun begins. I went to that website, the site of a very renowned woodwind instrument establishment. I found my item, and in a little box I was told the sad news: This item has been discontinued.

However! There was hope. Because in that self-same little box was a link. The link was titled "See other related items." Well, surely this could lead me to something similar.

So, I'm looking for "related items" to the $6.49 little clear plastic strips one puts upon one's teeth so one doesn't bite a hole into one's bottom lip when one plays one's clarinet. Right? Here are, in order, a list of the related items.

1. Dunbar Student Bagpipes Package, With Case - $749.99
2. LaVoz Alto Sax Padguard - $11.99
3. Scott's Highland Services Kitchen Pipes With Soft Case - $239.99 (Description of item, and I quote: Kitchen pipes are a set of mouth blown small pipes. While not as loud as the highland bagpipes, they have a firm and dignified presence.) (When was the last time you heard "dignified" and "bagpipes" in the same sentence?)
4. Ross Technologies Programmable Electronic Bagpipes - $269.99
5. Bo-Pep Flute Finger Saddle - $6.99 (I don't know, it just sounds dirty to me.)

The list goes on and on and on, but nothing having anything to do with the comfort of the lips or the sharpness of the teeth is even skirted around.

And bagpipes! What the hell do bagpipes have to do with my lip comfort? I don't know. Maybe somewhere in my search I used the word "pain."

What else is on the list? Let's see. There's something called a "Flute D# Key Replacement Cork" that looks amazingly like a breast implant. I'm not sure about the size, but it really stokes the imagination. I've not seen anything like it on any flute I've ever seen. Then there's a wonderful-sounding little item called a "Saxophone End Plug." Boy, the saxophone ends I've wanted to plug. They don't look big enough in their pictures, though, to adequately mute a saxophone. I doubt a rolled-up bedspread would.

OK, Stamp Week is drawing to a close, just a couple of nights left. So tonight, let's go with some homemade stamps. These are some of the first stamps I ever made, lo those many years ago.



Horses and Houses. Hmm, maybe those little squares of paper I cut out for the stamp images would work folded across my bottom teeth.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* There is a very disturbing commercial out there for Burger King. It's the one where we get a glimpse inside the home of the Whopper family. Apparently Dad Whopper and his son Whopper, Jr are having a fight because Whopper, Jr wants to sell himself for a dollar. That in and of itself is disturbing enough. But the argument that takes place, while Mom and Sister are standing nearby, with Whopper, Jr's resentments that his dad Whopper is always off at Burger King instead of being a good father - it's just fuckin' creepy. Who wants to know that the Whoppers are a dysfunctional family, and moreover, that Whopper, Sr is a shitty father and rude to boot. Not me, that's for sure.