Blog Three: We Love Your Breasts, Kind Of

I got a letter from my gynecologist today. Well, from her conglomeration of doctors/partners, operating under a CompanyTheyOwnAndWorkFor banner. Now, my gynecologist is a lovely person, kind, understanding, and very competent to boot. And that may be where the whole problem lies. Everyone loves her.

Anyway, my letter. It's one of those letters to their valued patients that begins "Dear __________," with that valued patient's name typed in in all capital letters. As an added attraction, mine says "Dear BET'S NAME," with my middle initial being " ". No, I'm not making a set of quote marks with nothing in them for my middle initial, that's what the gynecologist people think my middle initial is, a set of quote marks. " ". Looks like eyebrows - I think I'll start using it on my checks.

So here is what my letter says to me, Bet " " B:

It is time again to schedule your annual screening mammogram, according to our healthcare records.

Since it is the one-year anniversary date for your mammogram, we want to take the opportunity to remind you of the importance of this exam. We follow the American Cancer Society's recommended guidelines for screening mammography that state in part: [and here's where I start paraphrasing]

- You're not getting any younger
- You may have family members who've had cancer
- You may also have really good insurance that'll pay for the tests
- We like that funny face you make when we squeeze your breasts in a vice

[I'm still paraphrasing here] It is exceedingly important that you don't let this one-year opportunity pass you by, as your life depends on it. You can also have your mammogram using our special brand-new technology which is way better than what we've been giving you, but more expensive, so if you're poor you'll get the same old thing, but you really should get your ass in here to get the damn mammogram done, OK?

And by the way, you're overdue on your pap smear too, dearie. What's the deal?

Sincerely yours,
TheCompanyMyDoctorOwnsAndWorksFor

On the back of this letter, I have written a reply.

Dear TheCompanyEtc,

Thank you for your letter of the 10th informing me of the need to schedule my yearly gynecological appointment and mammogram. However, your mail department apparently is not quite in sync with your reception department.

My yearly gynecological appointment in 2005 was May 4. This was after I called in October 2004 to schedule my yearly appointment for January 2005, a year after my January 2004 appointment. In October 2004 I was told the soonest appointment I could get for my yearly exam would be May 2005. Which I took, and was, as my dad has been known to say, damn glad to get it. At the time of my May 2005 appointment, I asked if I could schedule next year's exam. I was told by a seemingly incredulous giggling receptionist, "Uh, we don't do that."

And so I called in January 2006 to schedule my May yearly exam, which should have been my January yearly exam, but we won't even go there, which I knew was a very foolhardy thing to do anyway and that I'd left myself way too late, but I still wasn't quite prepared for the answer I received from your offices. I was told, "The Dr has nothing in the near future. Call back in August and we'll see when we can work you in."

And to your credit, which I'll give freely where it's due, you called me, to tell me a la Marcia Brady that "something suddenly came up," and that I could have my May 2006 yearly appointment in October 2006. And I jumped all over that appointment like a rooster on a junebug, for it may be my only chance in 2006.

And furthermore, if I may share just a trifle of my mind with you all, I know babies are important and make your business a lot of money, but I'd appreciate it if in October I wasn't made to wait, naked, sitting on a cold piece of tissue paper, for 2 hours while my gynecologist, a lovely, kind, understanding, and very competent person, delivered a baby, as happened to me at my May 2005 appointment, which was supposed to be my January 2005 appointment, but we won't even go there.

Listen - I know you're all busy, but you do have 9 doctors in your practice at this time, and I've been a valued patient for more than several years, so I don't think an actual yearly appointment is too much to ask. I mean, as I'm writing you this small epistle I could possibly already have breast cancer, as well as cancer of the cervix, uterus, or ovaries, cysts, polyps, the clap, dry rot, or any number of other conditions, fatal or otherwise, and none of us knows about it because no one will deem to see me. But thanks for reminding me I'm overdue.

Sincerely yours,
Bet " " B.

PS - Shouldn't it be two words? Health care? Not healthcare, I'm sure of it.

The only thing keeping me from sending this letter back to TheCompanyEtc is the fact that if they read it and want to get all pissy about things, I'll be dropped from their valued patient list and have to accept biennial appointments from now on, which is how things are leaning anyway, or I'll have to find a new gynecologist altogether.

And as we girls all know, a good gynecologist is hard to find. I don't think I could find mine these days with a geiger counter.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, why can't we trust Monday, anyway?
- Honorable Mention goes to everyone out there who was trying to come up with a good acro but couldn't, due to the shitiness of the letter draw. No problem, guys; I just have to use what I'm dealt. Or drawn.
- Runner-Up goes to Kellie, with her "It reeks! Official oddity!"
- And this week's winner goes to Flipsycab, with her "Its rudimentary offering offends." I'm normally offended, so we'll go with that one.
- Thanks for playing - you've all done very well!