Hee Hee Hee Haw Haw Haw

Sunday morning as I was gathering my stuff in preparation for being kicked out of Mr M's house (I love ya, Mr M), I decided that I didn't want to see Condoleeza Rice on "Face The Nation." I mean, I really didn't want to see Condoleeza Rice on "Face The Nation." I don't want to see Condoleeza Rice on anything, except maybe a barbecue spit.

So I flipped to one of the - big news at Poderosa East - four channels Mr M gets. Yes, he's gone from three channels to four, we've no idea how or why the fourth started coming in, but it's a Fox affiliate, so I guess maybe it's not as big news as it could be. Now, if he suddenly started getting Turner Classic Movies on his TV, without benefit of cable, that would be some big news.

First I flipped to Blue Ridge Public Television, which calls itself BRP-TV and Mr M calls Burp-TV, and there were two women getting so excited over making a purse it made me uncomfortable. Then I went to that new Fox channel, and there was some program wherein a woman was entrapping two other men into paying her for sex, while some people watched from the hallway on a remote camera and giggled. And then I hit the NBC affiliate out of R'noke. They were having an infomercial.

It was an infomercial for a set of DVDs of the old TV show "Hee Haw."

Now, I don't know, some of you out there might not be from a rural area, or may have grown up in families with taste, and you may not know much about "Hee Haw." I think when it made its first appearance on CBS lo those many years ago it was billed as the Hayseed "Laugh-In." And that's basically what it was. A cast of lovable loonies, regular skits, corny jokes, with the addition of enough country music to make you want to go have big hair.

And yes, I watched "Hee Haw." I'd like to be all chic and nonchalant and say, "Eh, 'Hee Haw.' I was above that." But I wasn't, and there's no reason to lie about it. Then again, I was also a tender 9 years old when it came out, so I hadn't really discovered Fellini and Kurosawa, either, not that I would have understood them if I had. (I have my troubles now.) So Buck (Owens) and Roy (Clark) and the Whole Hee Haw Gang were good enough for me.

For about a year. Then, sadly, "Hee Haw" lost its lustre. And I, my sister, and my cousin Jacob got on to bigger and better things. However, there was hardly a Saturday in my youth that didn't involve Mamaw Bowles in some form or other, either we were at her house or she was at ours, and Mamaw Bowles loved "Hee Haw." She loved "Hee Haw" like a new pair of shoes. Size 5, patent leather, with a small heel.

And so "Hee Haw" went on for years and years, it had the audacity to keep going even after Mamaw Bowles passed away, which I thought was quite rude of them, and many of my formative years involved Saturdays watching "Hee Haw." Well, it kept me off the streets.

"Hee Haw" had, as I said before, lovable loonies and regular skits. Lovable loonies like Grandpa Jones, String Bean, Archie Campbell, the not-so-ubiquitous Hager Twins, who got to sing a rockin' - but with a country twang - song every three or so weeks, George "Goober" Lindsey, Gordie Tapp, the "Hee Haw Announcement Girl" Cathy Baker ("That's All!"), and a bevy of brainless, busty, interchangeable, barely-dressed, prostitutional-looking beauties.

The skits included such comedic gems as The Culhanes, a soap opera involving a family who sat on the couch and talked, What's For Supper, where Grandpa Jones would give us a poem about his evening meal, Have You Heard From Home, where String Bean would read us a letter from his family, The Lazy Men, where four men laid around talking about being lazy, and You Met Another and *Pbbt!* You Were Gone, where Archie Campbell would sing a little song, sometimes with a regular loony and sometimes with the guest star du jour. And the "Hee Haw" version of the "Laugh-In" joke wall was the cornfield, where people would pop up and tell jokes while banjo music played in the background.

And although I went from watching "Hee Haw" in earnest to watching it with one eye to being forced to watch it to hating to watch it, I watched it. And that infomercial of Sunday brought back some heady memories, let me tell you. Especially the clips of people being hit in the ass with the "joke fence," the one-person version of the cornfield, and the clips of a beardless Waylon Jennings, and Loretta Lynn singing the oh-so politically incorrect "Your Squaw Is On The Warpath."

Singers on "Hee Haw" got great sets to sing in. Sometimes they'd be in a barn, surrounded by haystacks, and sometimes they'd be on the porch of a big country house. Or they sang with fake woodsy scenery behind them, just like they were singing down by the crick.

I didn't think much about the "Hee Haw" infomercial once I left Mr M's. Until yesterday at work, when I was covered up with various tasks and trying very hard to concentrate, which of course means my mind immediately flows to places I specifically asked it not to go.

But go it did, right to "Hee Haw," and I had an amazingly brilliant idea. They need to bring back "Hee Haw." The time is not only right for this, it's perfect.

For some reason, in this country there seems to be a sort of "White Trash Revival" going on. I don't know why this is, there's no logical explanation for it, but there's no explanation for bell-bottoms and halter tops, either. My philosophy in regards to this is, "We suffered through all this in the seventies so you don't have to today." But no one listens to me.

So. "Hee Haw Revisited." "Hee Haw in the 21st Century." "Hee Fuckin' Haw," or whatever they want to call it.

Now, right off the bat, I wouldn't even begin to assume that we could replace Grandpa Jones or String Bean. They were irreplacable, they were shining stars of corn, they were lovable in a way that none of today's celebrities are. To try and bring two guys in to be the new Grandpa or String would send a television programmer straight to hell, though he's probably going there anyway when you consider some of what TV has to offer these days, but this would have him in his own special "extra hot" room.

Being Grandpa- and String-less means we'll have to have two really good hosts. Personable, can sing, and slop the hokum with the best of them. I suggest we dust off Jim Stafford, who always used to make me laugh, and add Ricky Skaggs, who seems pleasant enough and plays all kinds of instruments, he can be the Roy Clark of the team. Not that we're losing Roy. He's still around, with hair plugs and everything, and so he can be the papa emeritus of the lovable loonies. Sadly, Buck's no longer with us, so he'll have to watch from that Big TeeVee in the Sky, along with Grandpa and String. And Archie. And Johnny and June and Minnie Pearl and Junior and just about everyone else from the old days.

The cast of lovable loonies can be filled with such high-profile rednecks as Jessica Simpson, Kid Rock, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, the four guys from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour - Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White, Larry the Cable Guy, and the other one, whose name escapes me - oh, Bill Engvall - Fred Durst, Paris Hilton (I don't care how rich she is, she's perfect for the new "Hee Haw"), Pamela Anderson (if she'll be on the same show with Kid R), the guy who played Enos on "The Dukes of Hazzard," and southern actor Danny Thomason, who played Reggie Mac Dawson on "Designing Women." Of course, George Goober Lindsey would be there too, I'm not sure he's ever really left the studio after the original went off the air. And think of the sheer numbers of bimbo starlets in Hollywood nowadays. Any number of them could be the bevy of new "Hee Haw" beauties, as interchangeable as the original show's.

Of course, the country music world would get a shot at being lovable loonies as well. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill could play bickering marrieds, I don't know much about those Big and Rich guys, but they look very high-profile low-rent America, Gretchen Wilson had a song called "Redneck Woman," for God's Sake. Wynona Judd is just looking for a breakout comedy career, Kenny Rogers and his new face could show up, Travis Tritt, Bill Anderson (and his toupee) from the old days, Billy Ray Cyrus and his mullet need a comeback, Dolly Parton would fit in just nicely, and of course, The Queen herself, Loretta, would be a part of it all.

And my choice for the new Cathy Baker? The "Hee Haw Announcement Girl?" None other than recently booted "American Idol" wannabe Kellie Pickler, the ditzy blonde from North Carolina who knows not what a "minx" is, nor the term "ballsy," nor "a cameo appearance," nor "calamari," nor the phrase, "it looks good on paper." Who had no problems admitting she'd never heard any Stevie Wonder songs till he showed up on the damn "Idol" program. I can't wait to see her get hit in the ass by the joke fence.

Wouldn't it be a hoot and a half to see The Lazy Men laying around, with jugs of moonshine and a bloodhound nearby, Kid Rock, Kevin Federline, Tim McGraw, and Larry the Cable Guy? Or Billy Ray Cyrus singing "You Met Another and *Pbbt!* You Were Gone" with Jeff Foxworthy, or whatever NASCAR driver or WWF wrestler came along to hang out for a week?

And of course, Ashton Kutcher could come in one week, donning his trucker hat and dragging along Demi, and he could Punk Jim Stafford or Ricky Skaggs. Or Fred Durst, after which a haystack-clearing brawl would go on till the next commercial break.

And along with your regular musical guests, all those hatted and haired folks you can see any day on CMT, every once in a while the producers could throw in a real surprise, like Robbie Fulks. I'd just love to see him on the new "Hee Haw," tearing up "Cigarette State," there in the barn set, surrounded by hay. He'd burn that barn down, I tell ya.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, what strange things can be washed?
- Honorable Mention goes to Kellie, with "Take heed. Love olives washed sudsy."
- Runner-Up goes to LilyG, with "That happy little olive woman's skin."
- And this week's winner goes to DeepFatFriar, with "Teri Hatcher's lonely ocelot without spots."
- Thanks to all who played! You all had great acros!