What A Trooper! (A Lunchtime Blog)

Yes, it's lunchtime here at the Poderosa, or brunch, as we call it when we're the unlucky TheCompanyIWorkFor recipients of the early, or 11:30-12:30, lunchtime. And I thought I'd try to throw a little blog together while I'm choking down an Orange Crapius and getting ready for the afternoon onslaught of old people.

See, today is - I'm giving this out as random information to my younger readers and a warning to any older ones I may have - the last day to sign up for your Medicare Part D (remember that blog??) coverage without incurring a penalty. I always thought those old people were early for everything, but quite a few seem to be waiting till the final moments to mark their names on the form. It's OK, though, even if I am self-taught at the whole Part D thing, I've learned it quite well, thank you, and can make it a short appointment without any upset at all to said old people.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I was tuned in to the Today program, which I hate, but my TV was on NBC when I woke up and I didn't have the time to surf around for something better. This whole week has been a big, long commercial for the new Royal Caribbean cruise ship, the Freedom of the Sea. And it all ended today with a concert, on that very ship, by no less a person than Barry Manilow himself.

Now, I've been guilty of the odd Barry Manilow joke from time to time. Which I'll admit is quite unfair, because when I was a high schooler Barry was in my Top Five Of Musical Stars.

You know, I'm quite the fan of Joe Queenan, the acerbic but hilarious smart-ass writer of movies and pop culture. (Go read his book, "The Unkindest Cut," about his attempts to make a movie for $6999.99 and finance it all on his credit card, which has one of the funniest passages ever written on the page. Go ahead, I'll wait.)

Joe wrote a book a while back about all the horrid and trashy things America seems to have taken to heart, and he set off on a nationwide tour to experience all these things and write really ugly things about them, as he would. His tour was to end with a big concert by that schmaltziest of singers, Mr Manilow. He wrote pages of what his expectations of this would be, about the zealotry of Barry's fans, about the sappy love songs he was famous for.

Thing is, when he actually went to see Barry, he couldn't find a bad thing to say about the man. This is because he was, as Joe put it, an old show-biz trooper. See, Barry knows all about the jokes that have been bandied about in his direction, and goes right with them. He even beats the naysayers to the punch by making his own jokes about himself. And Barry's all about giving the people what they want, and will work like crazy to make sure the asses in the seats get every penny's worth of their ticket prices. And you just can't argue with an ethic like that.

Barry also made an appearance this season on everyone's (or at least my) favorite love-to-trash-it TV show, "American Idol." He coached the contestants, giving great but constructive criticism, doing interesting arrangements of their songs, and being an all-around good guy in general.

In other words, this isn't going to be an anti-Barry blog. In fact, it's not about Barry so much at all, and may possibly not be about anything anyway, but it struck me as funny, so I thought I'd write it all down.

See, there on the Today program, right on that cruise ship (Lordy, the amount of money Royal Caribbean must have paid NBC for that week-long commercial for them), Barry was on the stage of the ship's lounge with his band behind him, and he struck up his first number for the packed room. It was "I Can't Smile Without You."

And how the room did love that song. There they were, packed in like sardines, swaying and clapping and singing along with the utmost of happiness. And the camera was panning along over the crowd, this Barry love-fest, and we saw Al Roker and Natalie Whats-Her-Name singing and swaying, and Katie, and thousands of random middle-aged ladies and gentlemen all having the times of their lives.

Then all of a sudden, the camera focused in on this one man. He was wearing a suit and tie. He had a bad combover and, I'm not kidding here, an eye patch. And he was just standing there in and amongst the other people. He wasn't swaying, he wasn't clapping, he wasn't smiling. His mouth was kind of moving, but not along to the words of "I Can't Smile Without You." It looked more like muttering to me.

The thing is, the camera, when it hit this guy, stopped panning. It just stayed there on him indefinitely, for an almost infinite amount of time. It was like the cameraman thought, "If we stay here long enough, he will smile and sway, I guarantee it. He's on the Today program, for cryin' out loud!"

But he didn't. He didn't do any of those fun things. In fact, he stood there, unsmiling and muttering, until he realized he was on camera. He glanced over, thought a moment, and shook his head "no." Then the camera began to pan again, to happier shipmates.

"I don't care! I don't care if I am on the Today program, I'm not smiling for your camera!"

And so there he was, captured on TeeVee for immortality, being a big eye-patched grouch.

Maybe he wasn't such a Barry fan. Maybe was drug there by his wife, who was up on the first row smiling and swaying. Maybe he missed breakfast, or had a hangover. Maybe he was still upset that someone had poked his eye out, which is understandable, as is the fact that with him being so grumpy, someone would want to do that very thing. Whatever the case, it was one of the most upsetting things I've seen on television in years.

Oh, and speaking of being a trooper? Barry was apparently suffering a serious bout of sea-sickness, even though the ship was docked and not going anywhere, but showed up anyway and sang his heart out. I'm sure Joe Queenan would have been proud.

That other guy, though - not such a trooper.

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