If Rona Said It, It Must Be True

If you'll recall, last week or so or maybe two weeks ago, I did a blog on the fun evening I had on the leather sofa at Mr M's being transported back to 1966 by an issue of Life magazine. I read articles, looked at ads, and generally had a high old time.

Several days ago I found myself with a new magazine. A new old magazine. And although this certainly pales in comparison to that great issue of Life, and I mean really pales, I thought maybe we could have a ramble through it together this evening.

This magazine isn't exactly your high-end stuff. It's an issue of Rona Barrett's Hollywood. You know, what we used to call as kids "movie magazines," and what my mom and my aunt Nadine used to read religiously to find out what the stars were doing, and believed every word of it as the Lord's Gospel Truth. If it said that Elizabeth Taylor was actually from the planet Xenon, well, that was good enough for them. She was, and when she came home at night she took off her human mask, ate graphite, and, well, fought with Richard Burton.

It was from a movie magazine (about 1967, this was) that I first heard the news, via Mom, that the Monkees - my very own sainted Monkees - took drugs. To quote Morrissey, and I've always loved this line of his, "I never even knew what drugs were." And I didn't, it had to be explained to me that they altered their minds in an illegal way, and I refused to believe it. Well, OK, so maybe occasionally movie magazines hit their mark.

This issue of Hollywood is from September 1973. It has three pictures on the front, with headlines, and a non-pictured huge headline at the top asking the question I'm sure was on everyone's lips, "Is John Wayne Gunning For A Divorce?" And if he was, I'm sure a gun was involved somewhere. The other pictures are of Mark Spitz and his new bride and asks that other burning question, "Will Marriage Cramp His Style?" and of Chad "Medical Center" and Shelby "His Wife" Everett and asks an even more burning question, "Can a Paternity Suit Pull the Stitches Out of a Healthy Marriage?" To which the answer, and we all know this, is an enthusiastic "yes." Or should be, but guess what - I checked imdb.com and it told me Chad and Shelby were still married. So there, paternity suit-bringer! Take that! And for that matter, Mark and Suzy Spitz are still married! And for that matter, The Duke and his wife stayed married till his death! So a big, "Ha Ha" to you, Rona.

The third picture on the cover is of everybody's favorite (well, I certainly liked him) cowboy Dennis Weaver, with a quote I'm sure shocked America to its core in 1973. Apparently, according to McCloud, "Sex Is Completely Overrated!" And for some reason, I can imagine Dennis saying that. Why? I couldn't possibly tell you, but it just sounds good coming from him.

Oh - another headline sans photo on that cover asks us, (they're big on asking us questions on this cover, aren't they? just full of questions, they are) "Sinatra - How Much Did You Miss Him?" Well, we all miss him a hell of a lot now, since he's dead and all, but apparently this was right before Frankie staged his big 70s comeback. I hope people were missing him back in '73, too. I wasn't, though. I was still too busy denying the fact that the Monkees took drugs. (I was very naive growing up, btw. I swear I was well into college before I realized the Village People were gay.)

There are various and sundry articles inside the pages of this Hollywood thing. There's a farewell to Irene Ryan, Granny from "The Beverly Hillbillies," who'd just died, and an interview by Rona herself with Ann-Margret, who looked way too sexy for 1973, that woman was just busting sex out of every pore on her body. I've always thought of Ann-Margret that way, though. She's the epitome of a Sex Bomb. The name of that story was, "Does She Have Everything She Wants?" And though I didn't bother to look past the pictures to find out, I'd say she probably does, just by virtue of the fact that she's Ann-Margret. I mean, if I was Ann-Margret, that'd be enough for me right there. I'd just sit and look at myself in the mirror all day. And ooze sex out of my pores.

There were photo yearbooks of Sex Gods Charlton Heston and Burt Lancaster, showing them via pictures from young men to not-so-young men. There was an article about Loretta Swit, which I also didn't bother to read, but I'm sure she's a fine person. There was also an article on Faye Dunaway who told us that "Love Has Many Faces." And maybe it does, but she seems to have the exact same face in 1973 she has now.

And then there was the article heralding the "sneak preview" of "Jesus Christ Superstar" the movie, featuring Jesus himself, Ted Neely. Ted has played Jesus longer than Jesus walked the earth, and he's actually going to be appearing in a production of JCS near where I live. (Jesus - the AARP Years!) And in what has to be one of the stranger twists in magazinedom, there's an article about Ed Bishop, who I'd never heard of but played Commander Straker on the old "UFO" TV series, which I'd also never heard of, and what was odd about the article is that it starts on page 62 of the magazine, and is continued - on page 51! Is that allowed? If it is, it shouldn't be.

There were no ads in this magazine to have fun reminiscing over, only ads for whatever Rona-based stuff was going on out there in the 70s, but I did have a good time with all the peripherals the magazine had to offer. There was the "Dear Rona" section, and a column called "William Tells" (isn't that clever), and all kinds of Q & A's and bits and bobs. One letter to Rona began, "I would like to know what is wrong with Hollywood," and goes on a major diatribe about all the sex and violence in movies, then turns into a veritable love ode extolling the virtues of "The Sound of Music." Another letter asked if it was true that Rona and Rex Reed were engaged. Oh, my. This person probably didn't know the Village People were gay, either.

But my favorite "Dear Rona" letter began as such: "I'd like to tell Bette Midler to shut up!!" Yes, two exclamation points, the writer was so upset. (Apparently Bette wasn't nearly the entertainer Barbra Streisand was, and boy, was it pissing this guy off something fierce.) And one poor woman from New Jersey wrote in just to tell Rona she wanted to sleep with Bobby Vinton. ("He can put his shoes under my bed anytime.") I hope she didn't buy a stamp just for that.

The best letter in the "William Tells" column was from a poor misguided soul who asked if it was true that Lawrence Welk was "running around" (her words, not mine) with Phyllis Diller. It was signed "Heartbroken Woman, New Jersey." I can just see that woman, in her bathrobe, walking around the house in curlers, eating bon bons with one hand and holding a box of Kleenex in the other, trying to console herself over the fact that Lawrence is running around with Phyllis Diller and wondering how to go on with life now. By the way, wouldn't that be the greatest name for a town? I'd visit Heartbroken Woman, New Jersey in a heartbeat.

There were scads of little one-liner gossip pages, and pictures of people like Howard Cosell with David Steinberg, who looked to be about 25 years old. And Groucho Marx in his little beret. And Charles Grodin, looking like he'd maybe just graduated high school. And yes, Elizabeth Taylor in her human mask.

James Brolin had a wife back then and her name wasn't Barbra, Sally Field was married to Steve Craig, and in a shocking turn of events, for me, Liza Minelli was with Desi Arnaz, Jr! Yes, the same Desi Arnaz, Jr Marcia Brady wrote about so glowingly in her diary. Before that brat Cindy gave it to the used book drive and all hell broke loose. But the less said about that the better.

Anyway, it didn't wow me like Life, and it didn't take nearly as long to dissect. But it did bring up an interesting question. What the hell ever happened to Rona Barrett? Rona, who used to be everywhere, doing interviews and catching people on the red carpet and only being photographed from one side? (I always wondered if she had a huge scar on the right side of her face.) I think the last time I can remember seeing Rona was in Blake Edwards' film "SOB," where she was on a TV set and Loretta Swit threw a tray of hospital food at the TV when her face appeared there. Then she just dropped off the face of the fucking earth!

So, Rona, if you're around, let us know. Just a wave, really, we don't need anything more. Especially not a revamp of Rona Barrett's Hollywood. The price on this issue from 1973 was 50 cents, and I'm not sure it was worth it. Except maybe to Heartbroken Woman, New Jersey, who hopefully got up off the couch and on with life when she saw her name in print.

Oh, and that article on no less a person than Alan F Arkin himself, the one I took a stab at the magazine for in the first place? It proports to be done during an interview over a lunch in San Francisco, then goes on to repeat nearly ver batim that article from Life magazine in 1966. That's OK, though - I may have been naive as a youngster, but please don't think I bought this magazine for anything other than a giggle. And I guess I got one, even if it was rather small. More of a tee-hee.

I'm just glad Rona didn't say anything bad about Mr F Arkin. Or the Monkees either, for that matter. I didn't want to end up walking around the house in my bathrobe, eating bon bons and searching for the will to live.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! So, what did yall do on your summer vacations at the dude ranch?
- Honorable Mention goes to Krizzer, with her "Played rummy, overate daily, aged." I loved that one - "aged." heehee
- Runner-up goes to Lily, with her "Pony rides? Oh, darn. Asthma." Awwww. And a sad vacation it was.
- And this week's winner goes to, Capt A, with his one and only entry, "Prodded remuda, osculated damsel's "arroyo." Which, after I looked up about half the words, turned out to be a pretty funny entry. Just don't be so high-brow all the time, Captain.
- Thanks to all who played! You've all done very well!