Oh, The Agony

On Friday, it was nearing 5:00 and I caught the boss loafing by surfing the internet looking for a pair of shoes. She does this. She has a shit-fit when I'm loafing on imdb or one of your fine blogs, but at any given time you can see her surfing for cruise deals and shoes. That woman loves a cruise, and hits the ships with the best shoes on the market. And I'd finished most of what was on my desk and was tired of working anyway, so I popped up behind her and we looked together.

See, we're both on the lookout for a certain shoe. Hers is a good walking shoe, one that doesn't look like a walking shoe but looks like a normal dress and skirt shoe, and mine is a cute pair of mary janes to wear with my new Sauerkraut Band dirndl. And on occasion, those two styles intermingled and we found ourselves oohing and ahhing over random shoes, and poo-pooing others, and laughing our asses off at yet others.

You know, there are some seriously ugly shoes floating around out there.

The boss was looking through the, yes, I'm not lying to you, 835 pages of the category of "comfort shoes." Some of these shoes, well, I refuse to believe there could be any comfort in them, they had spike heels four inches high, or wooden soles, and some looked like they were made basically of concrete. Then there were the sandals, of which the shoe for the picture-taking had to be a size 15, that looked like skis, or even boats that pulled skis, and some looked just like what your Mamaw would wear. Which I guess makes a lot of sense, because we all know Mamaws above anyone else need comfortable shoes.

But then, we ran across these shoes.

Now, these shoes are made by a company called MBT and I'm sure they're fine shoes and no mistake, and I have to admit there's not a style among them that doesn't look comfortable. But damn, are these some weird-looking shoes. This one was the first shoe we came upon, and my initial reaction was that it looked like one of those little flannel housebooties one wears in the wintertime. But then it hit me. It hit me, like a light pole falling onto my head, what they really looked like, and so I said it aloud.

"Those look like how kids draw feet in the second grade." And they do. They're just random unequal triangles of footwear.

And so we were off, in one of those gigglefests that make work worth going to on occasion.

"MBT - the shoe made specifically for the sufferer of Second Grade Feet!"

"No, I never got to serve in the army. I have Second Grade Feet."

"Oh, I don't know what I'm going to do. Last week, my youngest was diagnosed with Second Grade Feet."

Then we went on to decide that there needed to be a telethon, hosted by someone of the magnitude of Jerry Lewis himself, if there is indeed such a person out there, to eradicate the problem of The Heartbreak of Second Grade Feet. It could have its own holiday, Jerry takes Labor Day so maybe we'll give it Memorial Day, and all the C-list celebrities could come on and sing a little song while the toteboard lit up. And in between the entertainment, so to speak, there would be short films about individuals suffering through the scourge of SGF and what scientists were doing to help them. "Yes, little Chloe, brave Chloe, has gone through years of treatment, and we're happy to say she's been upgraded to Fourth Grade Feet! So we're making strides, people! But only if you give!"

And people would give. Because people are nice. And corporations, mainly those corporations who make the shoes with platforms and curvy wooden soles, would give thousands, bring those giant six-by-four-foot cardboard checks out to the host with pride. And maybe Second Grade Feet could be wiped from the earth.

But then MBT would have to go out of business. And the more I look at that little red and gray housebootie number, the more I like it. And I don't even have Second Grade Feet!

And sadly, I also don't have the $248.95 that these little housebooties cost.

So maybe I need a telethon. "Look at Bet. Bet has normal, adult drawing class feet. And she's rather poor. Please, if you can, dig into your pockets and give what you can, anything, to help our scientists give her some Second Grade Feet and we can buy her the housebooties she needs to make her life a little better."

You know, those shoes are actually kind of shaped like the state of Virginia. Could it be a more perfect fit for me, SGF or not?

Oh, well. They wouldn't go with my dirndl anyway. I found a pair of those, for a cool $39.99, but they're on backorder till at least August. I hope I keep my normal, adult drawing class feet till then.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, what did the one model say to the other model?
- Honorable Mention goes to Jellybean, with her "Good one, Julia. Very elegant landing." (I love seeing models fall down.)
- Runner-Up goes to LilyG, with her "God, overate. Jello, very extremely luscious." (Hello in Kansas, Lily!)
- And this week's winner goes to Kellie (with an ie), with her "Guicci? Only Jerseys. Versace? Elegant Laundry."
- Thanks to all who played! You've done very well!