Where I Was Four Years Ago (or Back When I Used To Be Funny)

On Friday, I was asked to go to my 23d blog post. This would be Number 23 of over 1300. Then I was asked to print the fifth sentence of that same 23d blog. It wasn't very interesting.

However - it got me looking at my first year of blogs.

I hadn't done this in ages. This is because that little link over there that says, "old blogs," well, when I'm using Mozilla, my browser of choice, I can't access it. I have to open up the old Internet Explorer to do that, and I seldom do, and so I hadn't seen my old blogs in a long, long time.

Now, I know that quite often in my blog I've been known to use this line: "I referred to this so-and-so years ago, back when I used to be funny." I don't know if I'm running dry, or I used to think I was funnier than I actually was, or if I was never really funny and am not now, and I'm just deluding myself all over the place. It wouldn't surprise me in the least to find out that that last option is the correct one, but in any case, that little quote pops up from time to time.

And so since I was in those early entries of my Blogging Life, I thought I'd look through that first year and see what was going on with me. Was I funny back then? Well, the jury's still out on that one, but in that first year, 2002, I found certain little lines and phrases that either did make me giggle, or at least endeared themselves to me.

So, without further ado, here are some of those lines and phrases, totally out of context, and in order, from May when I started blogging to December when the year ended.

- And if I don't get paid Friday, abject poverty and I might be slow-dancing all weekend.

- Apparently, Ervin was too lazy to get off his ass and return his copy of "Bimbo Bowlers From Boston" on time. Weeks later, when he found his video under the couch behind an empty Big Gulp cup and inside a half-eaten bag of Fritos, he had to pay an extended viewing fee. And for some reason, this was wrong. (This is not Kellie with an ie's Little Ervin, this is the Ervin who sued The Movie Gallery.)

- I also have a deep conditioner from Kiehl's you leave on for multiple hours, and some sort of thing from JF Lazartigue called Vous Et C'est Moi Frizz Chapeau. Well, no it's not, really, but it's all in French except "Frizz." Apparently French people don't have frizzy hair, because it doesn't work at all, but it smells so good it makes me want to eat my own hair. (Later, when my hair started falling out, I actually could have eaten my own hair, but, sadly, by that time I had used all my Vous Et C'est Moi Frizz Chapeau.)

- That very evening, the temperature bottomed out at about 11 degrees, and the next morning my flower patch closely resembled the Normandy Beach scene from "Saving Private Ryan." Heaping mounds of dead daffodils, lying on each other, on their sides, arms outstretched, calling names of sweethearts at home, clutching mementos.

- Anyway, Tonya, no Rhodes Scholar by anyone's estimation, just said a beauty of a line, regarding husband Jeff Gilooly: "He threatened me over the phone with a shotgun." I don't even know where to go with that. It stands so well on its own, I don't think it needs a joke. (OK, so that's Tonya Harding's funny, not mine.)

- Well, let's examine this. Bugs Bunny? Nude. Daffy Duck? Nude. Sylvester, Foghorn Leghorn, Pluto, Pinky & the Brain, Bullwinkle? Nude, nude, nude, nude, nude, and nude. No one gives a fig. But put a shirt on a barnyard animal, and maybe a hat or some shoes, and everyone goes nutso because his nether regions might be showing.

- Hard to believe the friends were gone. But, gone they were. Screw 'em! In the eye! (This was in regards to Mattel's pulling all of Barbie's doll friends from the market circa 1964.)

- Imagine being there at the battle of Agincourt, with swords flying and armour cranking, yelling "Breathe! From the diaphragm!!" (I couldn't tell you what that line was referring to if you gave me $100,000.)

- Let's advertise our network programming during the news! "John Smith was sentenced to death today for the murder of Jane Smith, even though he maintains his innocence. Another man who maintains his innocence, Frank Johnson, will be the subject of an hour long 'Dateline' tonight at 10:00." The FCC won't let people say "shit" on the air, but they'll let that go on. Boggles the mind.

- At 9:15 tonight, I was so bored, I took a shower. I didn't need one. I just needed something to do.

- I was bitten by a spider once. It hid in my shoe, and bit me while I was at the mall. As far as I'm concerned, that was just plain subversive. It knew I couldn't take off my shoe and beat it to death in a public place. No, I limped around in pain till I got home, removed my shoe to find out what was wrong, and it proudly climbed out of my shoe. I think it smirked, I'm not sure. However, that was before Mr M. My friend and tormentor the pacifist, who thinks everyone should live in peace and harmony with the creatures around them; i.e., just because something is creepy looking, a millionth my size, and can't conjugate verbs, that doesn't give me the right to whack it flat with my Nike.

- "Whiter Shade Of Pale" is one of the stupidest songs ever recorded. (Four years later, I still believe this to be true.)

- Apparently going to college for three years is worse than becoming a crack whore for the Taliban.

- There was a car in the parking lot, a row over from mine, that was all soaped, ribboned, and decorated up, and said "Just Married" on it. Just Married? And your first trip together in the bonds of holy matrimony is to the WalMart?

- I'm headed out to B'burg to do nothing (I'm supposing) with Mr M. I asked what was on the agenda and his answer was, and I quote, "What? You think this is the Love Boat and I'm Julie?" (Looking back on this, the amazing part of this quote is that Mr M knows who Julie is, or even "The Love Boat" as a TV program.)

- Swingline makes a hell of a stapler.

- If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll even tell you how I broke my James Taylor "Sweet Baby James" album, when the baton I was twirling to "Fire and Rain" got loose from me and landed on the turntable. Personally, I think the funny part of that story (not the thought of me losing my baton onto an album) is that I'd choose to twirl my baton to that song. "Yes, now twirling her way into your hearts with her routine of suicide and mental hospital confinement, is the lovely Elizabeth Bowles!"

- Justin Guarini looks exactly like someone who would be named Justin Guarini. His looks are a combination of Justin Timberlake, the guy with the red afro from "Room 222," Carrot Top, a random model in a Levi's commercial, and a gay street hustler.

- When the bride has a prosthetic leg, I guess trouble is always around the corner.

- Are there any bands out there whose names are a geographical place that are any damn good at all? (I think we discussed this later, and realized the answer to this question is a definite "no.")

- In the wee-wee hours of Wednesday morning, around 2, as I was washing my face before bedtime, I had a sudden realization. "Hmm. I'm washing my face. Therefore, my knees aren't supposed to be getting wet." I had a nice dream where a giant one-story with arms and legs and gray aluminum siding was chasing me towards my local bank. I wonder if that was somehow symbolic....

- I might be alone and broke most of the time and bumming drugs off my mother, but by God, I own my own house.

- And also notice how cartoon dogs always have a pocket in their skin they pull things out of? I've owned roughly 6 dogs in my life, and not one of them has had a fur pocket.

- My wonderful desk with the hidden shelf on the inside that enabled me to bring some computer speakers from home to hook in so I could listen to music. My husband in a perfect world, where women are free to marry office furniture.

- If I doodle on the right side of my desk calendar, I feel like I have to do a few complimentary doodles on the left, or the calendar will somehow tip off the desk.

So there you have it. 2002, and my past Friday night at a glance. A retro-blog!

Betland's Olympic Update!
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! So, what will your obituary say?
- Honorable Mentions go to Kellie, with her, "Many Ants Under Arch Greatly Relieved." And qoatip, with her, "Marla Ate Unconsciously And Gagged... Really."
- Runners-Up go to LilyG, with her, "Made a u-turn and got rammed." And DeepFatFriar, with his, "Manhandled another unexploded atomic grenade. Rose."
- And this week's winner is Flipsycab, with her, "Member All Umbrella Assault Girls Regiment."
- Yes, you all made the winners board, because you all had extra-funny and clever acros. That means you all die immediately!! But you can go with the knowledge that you've all done very well indeed.
* The answer to Marla's question, from the Friar himself: "Ragnarok, to answer the question, is the end of the cosmos, doom of the gods in norse mythology, also called Gotterdammerung."