Death By Convenience

It all started so innocently.

I wanted a keyboard for home just like the one I had at work. I like my work keyboard, it's fun to type upon, peck-peck-peck, all day long. And so I went looking for one and didn't find one for months. But then a few weeks ago, I found one almost exactly like it. In fact, it was the two-or-three steps above the one I had at work model, and so I scooped it up. And have been happily peck-peck-pecking away at home now.

But one night I just happened to look down at my fingers as I was pecking. It's something I don't normally do, and my eyes quickly focused, not on my fingers really, but on something beside them. It was a little sticker on my new keyboard. It had a triangle with an exclamation point inside it and said, "WARNING! To reduce risk of serious injury, read Safety & Comfort Guide provided with product."

"What?" I said. "Serious injury? Is that little quarter moon button in the top left hand corner electrified? That button with the house icon over it - if I push it will it cause my house to collapse around me, burying me in the rubble? Or will it all just, five minutes after the warranty expires, turn into a massive ball of flames?"

I quickly dismissed the whole thing, well, quickly but not completely. For I still look at that little warning label and giggle occasionally, which is precisely why I haven't yet taken it off the keyboard.

But the other day I got to thinking. "If something as innocuous as a computer keyboard can seriously injure my person, what other dangers do I have lurking around me?" Folks, you have no idea.

Let's start with those things I have to deal with during the week. At work. How about our office digital camera?

- Do not place a battery in a fire or heat the battery. I can honestly say I've never had the yen for hot batteries.
- Do not carry a battery together with coins, necklaces, hairpins, or other metal objects. To avoid injury, do not drop a battery into a change-filled pocket. Well, that lets out a fashionable battery necklace or battery hairclip. However, I'm positive that at one time or other I've intermingled batteries and coins, in a pocket or handbag. I still seem to be here, unscathed. And don't think I'm not grateful.
- Do not pierce a battery with nails, strike a battery with a hammer, or step on a battery. I know of no circumstance, other than complete anger, which I'm certainly capable of, in which one would strike a battery with a hammer. However, anyone who's been in my home has been in danger of stepping on one. Let me now officially issue a disclaimer for any lost limbs.
- Do not disassemble or modify a battery. "Boy, if I could just get this thing apart and tinker with it a little, I'll bet I could get a good 15 more minutes of life out of it!"

How about that little machine of hate I wish had never been invented, the fax?

- Never install telephone wiring during an electrical storm. "Martha, I'll get started on this telephone with some pliers, and you go outside and fly your kite with the key on the string."
- Do not install or use a fax machine near water, or when you are wet. Just what I always wanted. A fax machine in the bathtub.
- Do not use a telephone to report a gas leak. Any telephone? What, do we just go outside and yell, "Gas Leak!" Or do we write a note to the gas company - "Dear Sirs, little problem here. Gas leak. Hope this reaches you within the next, oh, 20 minutes. Posthumously yours, Bet."

I was so happy to find out our office scanners can not in fact kill us. Well, the scanners. However, something much more dangerous can. TheCompanyIWorkFor itself. At the bottom of every page of the scanner booklet is printed, and it's the same booklet any Joe who buys a scanner from the store gets, "For internal use only. Nothing contained in this document shall be disclosed outside TheCompanyIWorkFor unless proper authorization is obtained." It's a fucking copy of the fucking booklet that came with the fucking scanner! Just how paranoid is TheCompanyIWorkFor, anyway?

OK. So if I don't touch a battery or use the fax machine (and who wants to?), I think I'm safe at work. But home? I can't believe I've lived this long.

I like my mini-frying pan, or used to, anyway.

- Keep this product out of the reach of children and pets. So much for letting the dog fry up his own burger. Do I have to do everything around here? (And just what is a pet's reach?)
- Do not touch hot surfaces. So simple, and yet so useful.
- This product is intended for use in pan-frying foods fit for human consumption. OK. Who wants to buy my mini-frying pan? Half price, come on.

My gas hot water heater's manual had some good advice.

- Improper installation, adjustment, alteration, or service can cause DEATH, SERIOUS BODILY INJURY, OR PROPERTY DAMAGE. After the death, would the other two really matter much? I say, roundly, "no."
- Hotter water can scald. Noooo. I refuse to believe it. Next you'll tell me colder water can freeze.
- Water heaters eventually leak. Yes, this is a warning. Mainly it's a warning that when this water heater does in fact leak and soaks my living room carpet, like my last one did, they'll shake a finger at me and say, "See? Told you."
- This appliance has a pilot light which must be lighted by hand. If you smell gas, do not light this appliance. Unless you want to end up on "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Think a vacuum cleaner's a walk in the park? Think again.

- Do not use without dust cup filter in place. Lest you spend the evening wondering aloud why there's dust flying all over your damn house.
- Use extra care when cleaning on stairs. Lest you fall down and break your neck, and then smother from all that dust where you didn't put your dust cup filter in place.
- Keep your work area well-lighted. Lest you miss the large clumps of dust which have settled from where you didn't have your dust cup filter in place.
- This vacuum creates suction. No shit. Actually, my answer to this is, "Not nearly enough."
- Do not use as a toy. What is wrong with these people? Didn't they grow up in my house? "OK, girls, let's play house! Bet, you run the vacuum cleaner, and your sister gets to dust, and I'm going to play the little girl and watch my stories all afternoon!"

Lord have mercy. I can't believe I've been living for five years with the Appliance of Death known as the electric range. You know it's bad when the first line of the owner's manual reads like this:

- You can be killed or seriously injured if you don't IMMEDIATELY follow these instructions. I haven't even read them yet! How can I immediately follow them?
- A child or adult can tip the range and be killed. I gave it a $20 bill after it made me a nice turkey and pumpkin pie one Thanksgiving, and it didn't hurt me at all. In fact, it seemed rather appreciative.
- Never use the range for warming or heating the room. Yes, obviously the range people didn't grow up in my house either, because they didn't even add to this disclaimer, "And please don't heat your children's socks in the oven so they'll go off to school happy on a cold day."
- Wear proper apparel. Loose fitting or hanging garments should never be worn while using the range. Lawks a mercy. I made it to my mid-forties without realizing there are "baking clothes." Maybe that's why my groovy babysitter with the peasant blouse went off to make us cookies one afternoon and was never heard from again. I just thought she got tired of us.

I wonder how many people immediately followed the instructions and headed off to read the rest of that manual in really tight clothes?

Never mind. We need to concentrate on the blender now. Because, you know, your life is at stake.

- Do not use outdoors. Now, I have serious problems with this one right off the bat. I mean, a person has a nice back deck and how in the shit can they not be expected to make frozen margaritas on it? Haven't these people ever heard of tailgating?
- Keep hands out of container while blending to reduce the risk of severe personal injury or damage to blender. "Hmm, wonder if those sharp blades are really rotating at a high rate of speed? Just let me check." Or damage to blender! "Hol-ee Fuck. Not only did I cut off my hand, but now I can't even use my stub to push a button to make up a smoothie."
- Always operate blender with cover in place. "There's crap all over my walls now - I'd have never guessed that was gonna happen!" Oh, well, at least it'll keep you from sticking your hand in there while it's running.
- Do not use this appliance for other than intended. Intended by whom? Hey, I bought this thing intending to see my goldfish chopped into a million pieces.

Now, I like the wording of the owner's manual to my coffee machine. Because it says in big black letters, "KNOW YOUR COFFEEMAKER!" People, I know my coffeemaker like no wife ever knew a husband. Still....

- Do not use outdoors. Again with the outdoors! Stop with the outdoors! If I want to make coffee in my backyard, you're not gonna stop me!
- Do not pour coffee in the direction of people. I may know my coffeemaker, but he apparently doesn't know me. I never have people over here.

I have a DVD player, and I'm sure you do, too. Who knew? Its owners manual's instructions start with - instructions!

1. Read instructions
2. Retain instructions (like, in a drawer, or commit to to memory?)
3. Heed warnings (before it's too late!)
4. Follow instructions (you mean I have to read, remember, and follow them? geez, you're no fun)

- Do not place on an unstable cart as it may tip over, causing serious damage to product. Or your toe, but they don't care about that, do they?
- Never spill or spray any type of liquid on the product. Isn't it why they call it a spill? Because it's an accident? And does a spit-take count as a spray? No more comedies, I'm afraid.
- The product should be mounted on a wall or ceiling only as recommended by the manufacturer. The ceiling? Who in the hell mounts their DVD player on the ceiling? You'd have to get up on a ladder to play a movie, and just think of the opportunities for injury that would bring. And the hanging wires! It's a deathtrap!
- "Notes on locating the DVD player." This was a section heading. I thought at first, "Easy! Just point at it and say, 'There it is!'" Turns out they meant, "Notes for scouting out where to place your DVD player." I'm thinking, "By the TV."

Oddly enough, the manual for my new and beloved TV had amazingly similar instructions to those for the DVD player, even though they're made by different companies. Seems to be, anyway....

1. Read these instructions
2. Keep these instructions (thank God I don't have to memorize them)
3. Heed all warnings (before it's too late!)
4. Follow all instructions (including how to locate my TV, I guess)

- This product should be mounted on a wall or ceiling only as recommended by the manufacturer. Now listen, people. This is the television it took four people to carry into my house. This TV set weighs upwards of 400 pounds. It's not gonna hang on my wall, and if it's mounted on my ceiling, well, I don't even want to think about what happens when it falls on me while I'm watching it in bed. I'd end up just a greasy spot on my Sealy mattress.

Oh, speaking of my Sealy mattress, the one my folks bought for me that ensures a restful night, its little "mattress guide" contains these nuggets of wisdom.

- Do not expose mattress to open flame. So much for that bedroom barbecue.
- Do not smoke in bed. What are you, my mother?

And now, back to where it all began. My innocent little keyboard, the one I'm using as we speak (though not near open flame).

- There may be a risk of SERIOUS PHYSICAL INJURIES from working at your computer workstation. Yes. Like my ass turning to granite after five hours at the thing.
- The warning signs of these disorders can include:
*Numbness, burning, or tingling. I told you it would become a ball of flames.
*Soreness, aching, or tenderness. Or longing, sarcasm, or disappointment.
*Pain, throbbing, or swelling. If you're visiting the right websites.
*Tightness or stiffness. Ditto.
*Weakness or coldness. Apparently they know about the "I have no heat in my dennette" thing.

However, the keyboard people are spreading the blame, because they also mention the dangers of using a mouse. And those CDs - hell, you could cut someone's head off with those! And the monitor's gonna have us all blind in several years. And the wires around here. How I've kept from being hung this far is beyond me.

I'm typing on borrowed time.

At least I'm not forbidden from using my keyboard outdoors.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, tell me about embarrassing weather phenomena.
- Runner-up goes to Flipsycab, with her "Darting under roofs prevents raindrop fellatio."
- Honorable Mention goes to LilyG, with her "Donna understimated radar path. Result? Flooded."
- And this week's winner goes toKellie (with an ie), with her "During Unrelenting Rain, Panties Ruined. Fizzlesticks."
- Thanks to all who played. You've all done very well!