Death By Recreation

Hello, daredevils. When last I left you I was telling you about my discovery of the extreme peril I face on a daily basis just living my everyday normal life. Well, it was more than a little disconcerting, I have to tell you. And I decided that after realizing I was surrounded by death, I needed to by-God relax.

Nothing soothes the mind and soul like some good music. Maybe a nice, long walk with my portable CD player will help.

1. Read these instructions (again?)
2. Keep these instructions (again?)
3. Heed all warnings (before it's too late!)
4. Follow all instructions (from everybody? if Jimmy tells me to jump off a building, I should jump?)

- Use of controls or adjustments or performance of procedures other than herein may result in hazardous radiation exposure. This is so poorly worded I'm not really sure I understand it, but I sure understand "radiation exposure." I've been walking a long path at the middle school lately, because the track is taken up by Little League football practice. I'll have that track all to myself, though, when I grow that third eye.
- To comply with FCC rules, this device must accept any interference received, including interference that may cause undesired operation. What? So, is this telling me if I hear the Voice of God through my speakers telling me to kill someone, I must comply? "Keep these instructions" has taken on a whole new meaning. I'll need them at the trial.
- Danger of explosion if battery is replaced incorrectly. Yeah, like with a hammer and nails.
- Replace with battery only of same or equivalent type. Are they telling me to replace my dead batteries only with dead batteries? Because something tells me that's not gonna work.
- Use only with a cart, stand, tripod, bracket, or table specified by the manufacturer. When a cart is used, use caution when moving the cart/apparatus combination to avoid injury from tipover. You know, I was going to buy a special rolling cart for my 4½ inch portable CD player, but I figured rolling it along the walking path might make me look funny.
- This product may contain lead and mercury. And radiation.

OK, walking with the CD player is out. Maybe a bike ride would settle me down.

- Contact between your foot and the front wheel or fender can cause you to lose control and fall. Or lose a toe in the spokes.
- A steering wobble can cause you to lose control and fall. I daresay it could.
- A bicycle that does not work properly can cause you to lose control and fall. I didn't know that!
- A wheel attachment device that is not properly adjusted can cause the wheel to be loose or come off unexpectedly, causing you to lose control and fall. Is there ever a time your wheel comes off expectedly?
- Malfunctioning brakes can cause you to lose control and fall. I have a feeling that where malfunctioning brakes are concerned, losing control and falling is the least of one's worries.
- Applying sudden or excessive stopping force can cause the front wheel to slip out from under you, which can cause you to lose control and fall. Bad brakes - bad. Oddly enough, good brakes - bad.
- A bicycle that malfunctions can cause you to lose control and fall. Isn't that the same as #3?
- An improperly adjusted handlebar can cause you to lose control and fall. Especially if you adjust your handlebar to somewhere below the front wheel.
- A quill system that is positioned too high can cause you to lose control and fall. I don't even know what a quill system is. I guess I'm doomed at this point.
- A seatpost that is positioned too high can cause you to lose control and fall. Especially if it's so high your feet don't reach the pedals. And you're going uphill.
- It is important that you always wear a helmet when riding a bike. Well, with all this losing control and falling, I can see why.
- Disc brakes get very hot during use and can burn skin. Which, something tells me, could cause you to lose control and fall.
- The following riding practices increase your risk of injury: jumping your bicycle, performing stunts, off-road riding, downhill riding, abnormal bike riding. And losing control and falling. They should have just said, "Getting on the damn thing." And hey, downhill is what I do best. And is riding your bike an average of once every three years considered "abnormal?"
- Never modify your frameset or parts in any way. Does this include playing cards clothespinned to the spokes to make it sound like a motorcycle?
- Extended riding with a poorly adjusted saddle that does not support your pelvic area can cause injury. The kind you'd just rather not shout out in a crowded emergency room, too.

Holy Mother of God. So much for that. I don't guess I'll ever ride my bike again.

I guess all that's left is complete quiet, away from it all, in the Comfy Chair, with my soothing vibrating back pad.

- Use this appliance only for its intended purpose as described in this manual. DO NOT use attachments not recommended by manufacturer. So I guess a night of fun with the carnal attacments is right out.
- NEVER use while sleeping, or fall asleep while using the massager. OK, I'm in my Comfy Chair having a back massage. I sleep about three hours a night. I think I'm going to fall asleep, and I'll accept the consequences.
- NEVER drop or insert any object into any opening. Of any thing, at any time, anywhere on earth.
- This appliance is designed for personal, non-professional use only. Personal use? And I can't put any carnal attachments on it?
- Do not use outdoors. Especially with a cup of coffee or a margarita made in a blender.
- Do not crush. Hey, I'm sitting on it, aren't I?
- Do not use product before bed. It has a stimulating effect which may delay sleep. Not without the carnal attachments, it doesn't.
- Please consult your doctor before using product. "Hey, doc, I know it's one in the morning, but can I use my vibrating back pad? No, no, not with the carnal attachments...."
- Do not use while bathing or in the shower. The cord's not long enough, anyway. But I have an interesting vision of myself standing in the shower with a chair-shaped vibrating back pad tied around me.
-NEVER use pins or other metallic fasteners with this product. That's why I'm tying it on in the shower! No pins on my naked skin!

Oh well. I guess I'll just stand around in a safe room. If I can find one. I'm all keyed up, though.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Hey, if you haven't already, amble over to the Hucklebug podcast. It's episode 24, a very special episode indeed!