I Win, I Win!

I always describe myself as "non-competitive." I think the reason for this is twofold: 1) It sounds very noble, and 2) When I lose at something, it makes it seem like it doesn't matter.

And in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't. Which is not to say that I don't like to win, at the odd board game or trivia challenge or argument. I just don't feel like I go overboard on it.

Maybe.

I mean, is it competitiveness that makes me go apeshit nutso crazy when I play the clarinet? Is that why, after missing a few notes in a two-measure sixteenth note passage, I tend to stop, lose my mind a little, and want to start over? And I don't mean start over at the two-measure sixteenth note passage. I mean start back over from the beginning, even if I'm four pages into the piece. Because I want to have one more shot at a mistake-free play. I sometimes think of that as competing with myself for my own affections. I also sometimes think of it as low frustration tolerance. I also think of it as apeshit nutso crazy. But that's me.

And it kills me to sit there beside Mr M, who can play fast and sightread and be in tune and fry an egg while he's playing the finale of "Rigoletto." Makes no difference that he's a former professional symphony player, and has probably practiced his egg-making skills many years. He's just better than me, and frankly, it pisses me off. The funny thing is, if he messes up a two-measure sixteenth note passage, I think nothing of it. It doesn't ruin the piece. It only ruins it when I mess one up.

I like to be the best at trivia. This doesn't embarrass me in the least to admit, nor for some reason does it embarrass me to admit that I am in fact not the best at trivia. I probably like it the most, but I'm not the best. Take a gander at Stennie's Daily Trivia on any given day (go ahead - take a gander!) and you will see that this is indeed true. I play every day, but I seldom give the right answer. And the thing is, if I don't know the answer and therefore do not give the best answer, then I strive to give the funniest answer. And another gander over Stennie's way will let you know very quickly that I don't do that either.

It really gets up my snout when people are too competitive. And speaking of which, hi sis! My sister, whom I love dearly, is one of these people who must get the last word in. And she's, well, and I do love her dearly, a bad sport. This makes me laugh in one way, because when she was in high school and the Senior Superlatives were handed out, she was given the legend "Best Sport." My sister is the poorest sport in history! But in another way it doesn't make me laugh, because I have to hear her complain, anytime her team doesn't win, about the bad officiating, and the rotten fans of the other team, and that the field dipped too much in the middle, and that the other team contained not-so-very nice players. And often I leave a sporting event with her, but not so much with her because I'm walking two feet ahead of her pretending I don't know her because she's talking just a little too loudly about all of the above and I don't want to be lumped in the "poor sport" category or beaten to a pulp. Everyone in town knows we're sisters, but I still give her a slight glance of non-recognition, as if to say, "Who the hell is this bad citizen?"

Back in the old days of that chat extravaganza #squeeze, some of us would occasionally dip into another chat channel called #trivia. A bot gave out random trivia questions and the first person who typed the right answer would get points. I liked getting the right answer. I will not deny that at all. And I also type very quickly. And so I could generally hold my own in the #trivia world, except for those times when I was just plain stumped. Then, of course, I'd go for the laugh by answering every question with "Don Knotts," or that #trivia standby answer (to the #squeezesters, anyway), "Richard Sackerson."

There was a player in #trivia quite often who went by the moniker S22 (not her real name). S22 (not her real name) was the most cut-throat trivia player I've ever encountered. She was scary. I'm glad the game was online, for if it'd been held at a bar, there's no doubt she'd have stuck a fork into someone's hand to keep them from giving the correct answer. And the thing of it was, we think she was cheating in #trivia. I can't remember exactly how we discovered this. It may have been looking up answers online or going to old logs and looking up repeated questions. It doesn't really matter, though - she was cheating in #trivia! Nothing was at stake, no cars were given out, no chance to advance to the regional #trivia championships - she just couldn't bear to lose. And she was probably also the single reason we all drifted away from #trivia and found another way to occupy our time. Well, that and our short attention spans.

And so I guess in the end, competition is, well, it is what it is. It's winning and losing. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, it teaches you about life, right? I have a real problem with the whole idea permeating the school system these days of not letting anyone lose. Just go to any end-of-the-year school ceremony nowadays. Every friggin' kid in the school wins something. After the "Best Grades" and "Most Athletic" and "Best Singer" and "Best Attendance" awards are given out, they start giving out "Tries the Hardest," "Always Has His Pocket Comb With Him," "Ate the Most Paste," "Owns the Best Homework-Eating Dog," and so forth. Does it really mean anything to win an award on Award Day if everyone wins one? And when these kids get out into the real world and only one of them wins the "Got The Best Job" award, well, I hope I'm not at the post office when the kid who came in second shows up with his machine gun.

I went to a high school football game over the weekend, and was dismayed to find out that my little alma mater that contains about 500 kids now has twelve - count them, I know you won't - cheerleaders. The little school also has a six-letter name. That was always the rule when I was in school - one cheerleader per letter, just enough to do the "Gimme a G!" etc cheer. Nope, we have twelve now. Or do we? In the football program, there are twelve football cheerleaders and twelve basketball cheerleaders! And of those 24, four of them are captains. Exactly how many captains does it take to lead a squad of cheerleaders in looking bored and not knowing the basic rules of the game they're cheering for? Oh, well. I guess it doesn't matter. At least no one got left out, except maybe those kids who couldn't afford the cost of a uniform.

On this week's Hucklebug podcast, which we recorded last night, Stennie and I decided to play a game. We played Jenga. And I'm not going to give you an advance on the outcome, because it was an absolutely riveting game and you'll enjoy it so much more when you listen on Thursday if you don't know. But after much turn-taking and strategy, someone did in fact lose and someone did in fact win. And since the Jenga set was at my house, after someone's victory and someone's loss, the scattered Jenga tiles littered the floor of my denette.

I left them there last night, due to the lateness of the recording, and today when I came home for lunch my first order of business was to bend over and start picking up Jenga tiles. I got them all set correctly in the little plastic sleeve, ready to go back into the box until we play again, and - I dropped them and they went flying all over the floor.

I lost to myself at Jenga today.

My sister probably thinks I cheated against myself. I'm just glad I'm non-competitive.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* We're late people, we're very late. No sleep Monday and a two-mile walk Tuesday does weird things to a person, like makes her fall asleep in the Comfy Chair for four hours. However! We have acrowinners! So, tell me about sin.
- Honorable Mention goes to Kellie (with an ie), with her "Sexual Exploits Got Phillip Locked And Gagged."
- Runner-up goes to DeepFatFriar, with his "Sodomites encourage groping puppies, legal ass grabbing."
- And this week's winner is Flipsycab, with her "Spent energy gobbling pie, lard, and goobers." Gluttony. It's a fine sin.
- Thanks to all who played - you've all done very well!