Pod That I Am (An Update)

Boy, was I right on target when I picked this week's acrotopic, "Whoops! The wind blew off my ____!" Because after that acro was posted and I did laundry, watched a movie, cleaned, stripped beds (well, I just have the one), paid bills, had dinner, and podcasted, strange things blew into Betland.

And I do mean blew. Whoops indeed.

I went to bed, after the podcast, about 1:30. A 60 mph wind was whipping all around the Poderosa, the rain was whipping with it, and I thought, "Perfect. I'm gonna sleep like a baby tonight." A phrase I've never quite understood, by the way, because I think of babies as basically being up all night long, and maybe I was a little more in the know than I thought.

For I climbed into my wonderful bed, snuggled up to the pillow, closed my eyes, and *whap!* There was this - this sound. It sounded a little like, and by this I mean exactly like, a person jumping from a 12-story building and landing square in the middle of a giant snare drum. And I popped up and opened my eyes.

Then it happened again. And again. And again and again, about every 30 seconds. Every time I'd close my eyes, *whap!* Another person hit the giant snare drum.

I got up several times to look out my bedroom window to see what could be going on, and I gotta tell you I had all kinds of ideas running through my head about what I'd see through the window (mainly people falling from the air onto giant snare drums), but I saw not a single thing each time I looked. And so I'd climb back in bed, close my eyes, and *whap!* There went another poor soul.

I laid there all curled up and waited for each *whap!* And like clockwork, each *whap!* came. A new scenario hopped through my brain for each *whap!* My guttering had blown down, and was beating against my metal outbuilding. Things, and by things of course I mean shingles, were blowing off my roof and landing on my car. My trusty yellow broom, which is a permanent fixture beside the side door of the Poderosa, was whapping into my vehicle, denting the hell out of it. Or people were falling out of the sky and landing on a giant snare drum.

After a full 90 minutes of this, I could take no more. I got up, pulled on some pants, and went outside. Now, this was a rather dicey proposition, with the wind and the rain, but I had to know. I started towards my car and saw it was fine. The broom was lying in the driveway, and I left it there because at that angle the wind didn't seem to be able to blow it into things, like my car. I checked windows, porch pillars, nothing.

Then I turned around and saw it. The next door neighbors, yes, in the House To The North, their storm door wasn't latched and with each gust of wind, *whap!* It was being blown open, backwards, into their house. And I have to tell you, folks, it was loud in the bedroom, but out in my yard? It was like shotgun fire.

And now, here's the thing. My neighbors were home! They were in that house with all that whapping going on! And so I stood there with a decision to make. Did I sneak over there and latch their door for them, or did I go back inside to a sleepless night of whapping? And Pod that I am, I don't guess I have to tell you what I chose. I went back inside. And listened to *whap!* all fucking night long. I'm like that, you know.

This morning as I was leaving for work, the door was still whapping. It had also lost most of its bottom. And I drove past it, wondering how my neighbors could have possibly slept through it all. Or if they, like me, laid there in bed and listened to their own door making nothing less than a public nuisance of itself. But then when I came home for lunch I noticed that that same dreaded door had now been forced shut with a brick lodged up against its broken bottom, and I figured maybe it was broken and wouldn't latch, and so now I don't hate my neighbors like I did several hours ago.

But if I hadn't been such a pod, and had gone over to check it, I'd have known that earlier. Wouldn't have helped me sleep at all, but I'd have had some sort of peace of mind.

I was lucky in the whole Windy October Night of '06. My only casualty was my watering can. It's now gone. To where it blew, I've not a clue. I made a rhyme, it was sublime. Anyway, it doesn't really matter because the can was kind of broken and had a white cloth bandage tied around its spout to keep the water from seeping out during watering sessions, and since my flowers are completely and irretrievably dead I don't guess I needed it anymore. See, we had a serious frost last week, and even though they were still rather perky the next morning when I left for work, when I came home for lunch, they were all toe-up. My theory? The shock of realizing they'd survived the frost killed them.

Anyway, back to the can. Pod that I am, I spent about 15 minutes after work driving up and down my street looking for the damn thing. My years-old watering can I probably paid a dollar for and with a bandaged spout. I just wanted to see where it ended up. I never found it, though, so if you see a bandaged watering can in your town, give me a call, please. I'd like to know; I worry.

I got hinky today at work over something. It's one of my things, those things that make me cringe and I have to force myself to do. I had - and try not to shudder, please - I had to finish an application that someone else started. Oh, my Lord.

This drives me crazy for some reason. I can't stand to start writing on an application, form, or anything else that someone else has written on. Seeing two different handwritings on something sends me goofy. So when I'm called upon to do such a horrid thing, I always try to copy the handwriting of the person who began the task. "Hmmm, slanted printing, how do they make their e's? Do they curve their y's, or make two sticks?" And I especially hate to have to make an 8. I make my 8s in a very specific way, one circle atop another, and these people who squiggle their way through an 8 - God! How do they do it? And more importantly, how do I do it?

Now, I have no qualms whatsoever in admitting that this may well be podly behavior. Because in filling out this application and analyzing my hinkiness, I thought of some other things. Mainly how when we in the offices of TheCompanyIWorkFor are signing a card for someone and one of us happens not to be around, I'm generally called upon to sign that person's name. "Oh, San's at the post office, just sign for her." And so I'll spend way too long trying to recreate that person's signature.

No one we send cards to knows how any of us write! What difference does it make? Well, to me, a lot, because I have to copy signatures to the letter. No pun intended.

Then! Then I got to thinking about something else that drives me crazy. Back to the forms and applications. God forbid I've been called upon to finish someone else's, and they've used a black pen and all I have to write with is a blue pen. Two colors on a form of any kind is just unacceptable. As is a combination of felt-tip and ballpoint, or even medium tip and fine tip. I'll spend triple the time it would take to fill out the form looking for a pen to match the one that began it. And then of course I have to mimic the handwriting.

It probably wouldn't surprise you to know either that I waste more office forms than any human on earth because I'll pull one out of my desk, fill in two lines, look at it, say, "Eww. I don't like how that looks," throw it away, and start again. I've taken to actually hiding these thrown away forms way down in the wastebasket so I won't be found out. Like an alcoholic hides vodka bottles.

Pod that I am.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! Whoops! The wind blew off your what?
- Special mention goes to Michelle, LilyG, and Capt A for not being able to resist "nads." Although some of you may have meant that sticky hair removal gel from the 90s.
- Honorable Mentions go to qaotip, with her "The wind blew off my new car," and Mike, with his, "The wind blew off my Nikes."
- Runners-Up go to Michelle, with her "The wind blew off my nosering," and LilyG, with her "The wind blew off my negligee." (Sure. Lily always blames that on the wind.)
- And this week's winner goes to Kellie (with an ie), with her, "The wind blew off my necktie."
- Everyone gets a mention, because everyone had great acros. And now everyone gets to touch my Chicago Symphony Windbreaker.
- Thanks for playing!