Fuck Off. Please. Please, Just Fuck Off.
You know, we have a little thing, this would be Stennie and myself, we have this little thing we do on the hucklebug podcast every week. It's called "Fuck Offs." And oddly enough, and I know this is hard to believe, but it's a little section of our show where we take a few minutes to tell certain folks in the public eye that they can just fuck right off out of our lives. Of course, George Bush is on the Fuck Off list every week, then it meanders from celebrities to schmucks in the news to people in the general population who may have pissed us off.
We recorded, owing to Stennie's business trip, this week's podcast on Sunday. And I'll swear, when it came time to do Fuck Offs, I was stumped. I'm not even sure I got to fire a single Fuck Off this week. I guess things were pretty good in Betland Sunday night.
But how a few days can change things. Especially if contained in those few days is an election. And so, without further ado, my updated (from Sunday night) Fuck Off list.
I guess it would go against tradition if I didn't tell George Bush to fuck off. So fuck off, George, you numbskull. Go have a vacation in Texas and hang out with your Scottie dog who you love being photographed with but what you don't realize is just how much that dog hates your guts and wishes someone else owned him. Fuck off.
If you at home are running for an elected office this year, you can fuck off. Moreover, if you are running for an elected office this year and indulged in the practice of an ugly, mud-slinging TV ad, you can just fuck right off. I don't care if the other guy came out with his first, you shouldn't have lowered yourself to his level. You should have just made an ad saying, "Did you see what that asshole said about me in his ad? He can just fuck off!" And finally, if you are running for Senate in the state of Virginia, you can just fuck right off away from me forever. We have a slimy Republican Bush yes-man running against a Democrat - who's a Republican! I'm not kidding, he was in the Reagan administration. They both also indulged in the ugly ads, bringing pornography and hidden Jewish relatives into the mix. They can both fuck off, and for that matter so can the poor woman who ran from the Green party, simply because with those two losers duking it out, the only way she couldn't get the general public onto her side? Who knows. Either laziness or she's one dislikable creature.
If you are a political action committee, please fuck off and die right away. No, you don't understand. Right now, by your own hand, chop off your own head, hang yourself, or, here, I have some rat poison. You're the guys who come out with the really ugly commercials, the ones that tell outright lies, and I'm talking both parties here so no one gets out unscathed, and we all know they're your commercials because the candidate won't even come on with a voiceover saying he endorses your ads. Even though we know he does, so he can just fuck off one more time.
If you are a local news feed and you come on during a network show for election results, and the first thing out of your announcer's mouth is, "We have no precincts reported yet," and you still spend fifteen minutes interrupting my TV just telling me that you have no results but here's who's running in all the races, you can fuck right off and go the hell away from me. Why do you exist? We either already know who's running, because we just voted for one of them, or we don't, in which case we don't give a shit because we didn't vote at all. Stay off the air.
If you are a national news program and you report on an election race where someone is winning by 50,000 and 11% of votes and you say, "We know she's leading at the moment, but we can feel safe in projecting him as the winner," you can just fuck right off away from me and die. What the hell? You know, it's bad enough that you project anyone the winner before 99% of the precincts are counted, but projecting the loser as the winner? You tell me the fix isn't in on that election.
If you are Britney Spears and/or Kevin Federline, you can fuck right off away from me forever and die and please spend the rest of your post-death years in obscurity. For the good of all mankind, please, think of humanity and just fuck off. Please.
If you favor amending the constitution of your state or our nation to outlaw same sex union-starting, abortion-getting, stem cell research-benefitting, or any number of other socio-religious goodies, please fuck right off away from me right out of my sight and go die far away from my person. These are, as we all know, "personal choice" issues, and what in the fucking hell gives you the right to decide what kids I want or don't want to have, who I want to marry, or if I want someone's brain stem to cure Parkinson's disease. I don't tell you you have to marry a person of the same sex, do I? Do I? Fuck off away from me.
If you work the graphics for national news election night coverage and have gone with the old standby of donkeys and elephants in red and blue and fingers pushing buttons and White Houses and Capitol Buildings and American Flags, you can just fuck right off away from me and go die alone and, well, actually that's a little harsh. You can fuck off, because you used the same old hackneyed thing everyone has used for years and have given me a headache in the process, but I'd rather you just go fuck off, have a beer, and think about what you've done, rather than fuck off and die. You're a working stiff like me. And you probably need a beer. So do I, come to think of it.
And finally, as often happens at the old hucklebug podcast, a lonely "You Rule" in the Fuck Offs.
If you were the woman standing outside the middle school where I cast my votes today, standing there in the rain with the wind blowing off your plastic bonnet and most of everything else you were wearing, and you were the only person with the gumption to stand outside, and you said to me, "Thanks for coming out in the bad weather to vote. And we'd like you to vote the Democratic ticket, but we know that at 6pm you've already decided which way you're voting, and we'd just like to thank you for coming out," you totally rule and you made all of the above tolerable.
Well, almost.
Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, tell the world about my humanitarianism.
- Honorable Mention goes to the newly-engaged Flipsycab, with her "Is purdy nice, dontcha think?"
- Runner-Up goes to DeepFatFriar (who was remembering the ladybugs), with his "I put none down toilet."
- And this week's winner goes to LilyG, with her "Inside Podland, no deaf tarantulas." You, my dear, have come up with an instant classic. Kudos to you.
5 Comments:
I see the early returns are in and we interrupt this show to let you know that we are calling for LilyG to win with .000001% of the votes counted.
And yes, every politician in the state of Virginia can fuck right off. And they can stop calling my answering machine, stuffing mail in my mailbox, buying up all the tv commercial time. And all of those campaign workers who block the entrance to the polling place to shove papers in my face at 6:10 am and then when I tell them to stop blocking the entrance say in that young, snotty, know-it-all voice "we actually can stand here you know, you pissy bitch", (okay, they didn't actually say those last three words out loud, but I could hear them) can fuck right off. As can all the exit pollsters on the other end.
So today, as I'm leaving, there is this gaggle of pollsters, who have been waiting and watching people go by. When I come out, these two women in hijab come running over to me and ask me to answer some questions about my voting experience for the "Asian American" survey, to see "how we've been treated". I looked them straight in the eye and informed them that I was not in fact Asian, and that I thought the deal was that racial profiling was bad and people shouldn't do it.
So anyone lurking around the polling stations trying to score some last second political points can indeed fuck right off. Although your lady sounds dedicated and comitted. So if she was nice, she doesn't need to fuck off, but she can simply leave me alone.
Voting is private, and by the time I've arrived at the polling place, I've made up my mind. Trust me, in the state of Virginia this year, I've heard about your campaign, and I'm sick of it. But I'm turning up because it's important to vote. Although looking at my choices, I'm not sure why.
The one guy you don't mention, Donald Rumsfeld, actually fucked off today. I almost want to give him a "you rule" as a result. Instead I shall say, "You can stay fucked off for all I care."
George Allen has officially fucked off. Awesome.
Damn,I hate to suggest a somewhat less than agreeable viewpoint, simply because you brandished the old "f" word with such beauteous vehemence. For that alone, you "go" girl!
I'm generally quite the fan of "fuck off's". And we certainly don't need a constitutional amendment to utilize those.
I'm in my late mid-forties, and I still don't know whether I'm liberal or conservative. I imagine I'm an odd mish-mash of both depending on issue and context.
I like that I live in a country where I can pick and choose my positions across party lines and not be burned at the stake for it. Or shoved into a mass grave and buried alive. Or shot at sunrise.
I don't feel comfortable with telling those with wildly opposing viewpoints to "fuck off" simply because they don't agree with my perspective.
At least, that's not my first choice for helping to build a case for tolerance for same sex marriage, stem cell research, abortion, rights to be a redneck, the occasional recreational cow tipping...or the right to live with dignity as a disabled american without others deeming your life too miserable to live.
Broadening tolerance requires tension from opposing sides. The further apart those opposing sides stand, the wider the spectrum of social tolerance can grow and thrive.
I see polarity in viewpoints as nothing but a necessary part of our political process.
Now the mudslinging? I could do without. But in order to do without it...I have to refrain from slinging it myself. I have to know when not to say "fuck you."
And believe me, I've been in heated exchanged with one of the Bush brothers enough times to tell him to "fuck off."
I about chewed a hole in my lip to keep from it as he tried to explain why it was that my son got sexually molested by one of Florida's missing DCF problem kids because of an inter-agency funding dispute.
Because having done so would have turned me into another one-each mudslinger. And it wouldn't have helped my son, or his peers, one iota.
But I have to admit, you told 'em all to fuck off...with panache.
Waving at you from you just a little right of center. :)
(And George did get a big old slice of humble pie, and I'm mighty happy he did. But I imagine his little dog likes him just fine. Cause dogs have a habit of loving us past our warts. I think we should all emulate the dogs, myself...)
Telling someone to fuck off isn't mudslinging. It's not digging up dirt on them and making accusations, in the process attempting to make yourself look better. It's just telling them to fuck off. Sometimes people deserve to be told. Sometimes it just makes you feel better to say it.
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