And The Shelly Goes To....

Hi, blogees. Well, today was the day I'd been waiting for. None other than, yes, no less a person than Alan F Arkin himself was nominated for an Academy Award. It's been some 38 years since that happened, and that's a long time coming for someone so talented.

And now I'm happy. Because as much as I want him to win an Oscar, the nomination was really what I was hoping for. And he got it. He may not win, probably won't, but at least he got in the race. And his little time in the spotlight on February 25, whether he wins or not, will be about a minute of the broadcast.

That's just not enough for Mr F Arkin. So guess what. I'm putting on my own awards ceremony. Sit back as the Academy of Motion Pictures Starring Alan F Arkin (AMPSAFA) brings you - The Shellies!

[fade in. peppy horn music.]

Bet: Hellooooo! Hello to all, and welcome to that most special of nights, the Shellies. The Shellies are of course named for one of Alan Arkin's most famous characters. And speaking of characters, how about that George Bush! [shot of Jack Nicholson laughing] He can just fuck off, can't he? Oh, I can't say "fuck off" on TV, can I? Oops! Take it away, Alan Arkin Dancers!

[cue production number]

He's an actor! He's a singer!
In "Catch-22" he gave someone the finger!
He's got talent - you can't deny
Everyone says he's a hell of a guy!

He's Alan Arkin, Our Alan Arkin
Yes, Alan is a hell of a guy!

Bet: Oh, aren't they something? Let's give them a hand. Boy, this is better than the Oscars already, isn't it. [shot of Jack Nicholson talking to date] But let's get right to our first award of the evening. Best Actor in an Alan Arkin Supporting Role. The nominees are:

Alan Arkin, Milo, "Magicians"
Alan Arkin, Burt Kessler, "Hearts of the West"
Alan Arkin, George Kraft, "Mother Night"
Alan Arkin, Sigmund Freud, "The Seven Per Cent Solution"
Alan Arkin, George Aaronow, "Glengarry Glen Ross"

And the Shelly goes to ... [opening of envelope] Alan Arkin, Burt Kessler, "Hearts of the West!"

[prolonged applause, western music] Well, it appears Mr Arkin couldn't be here tonight, but the Academy (AMPSAFA) accepts this award on his behalf.

And to help us present our next award, I'm honored to introduce one of our finest actresses, Meryl Streep! [applause, shot of Jack Nicholson giving Meryl the once-over]

Meryl! You're looking lovely tonight, as usual. Boy, you sure were a bitch in that movie, so they say, I haven't seen it yet. I will, though, I will. So you've never done a movie with Mr Alan Arkin, have you?

Meryl: Well, no, I haven't, I...

Bet: Why not? Why the hell not? You too good for him? You and your accents, think you're better than Mr Arkin? You couldn't tie his shoelaces, you hack.

Meryl: I beg your pardon?

Bet: No, no, it's all a joke, we're really good friends, aren't we?

Meryl: I've never laid eyes on you before in my life!

Bet: Yeah, yeah, whatever. [shot of Jack Nicholson laughing] Anyhoo.

Meryl: The next award is for Best Actress Supporting Alan Arkin in a Role. And the nominees are:

Abigail Breslin, supporting Alan Arkin in "Little Miss Sunshine"
Madeline Kahn, supporting Alan Arkin in "Simon"
Sally Kellerman, supporting Alan Arkin in "Rafferty and the Gold Dust Twins"
Sondra Locke, supporting Alan Arkin in "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter"
Audrey Hepburn, supporting Alan Arkin in "Wait Until Dark"

And the Shelly goes to ... [opening of envelope] Sondra Locke, supporting Alan Arkin in "The Heart is a Loney Hunter!" [prolonged applause, shot of Jack Nicholson clapping] Well, it seems Ms Locke couldn't be here tonight...

Bet: Where the hell else could she be??

Meryl [looking away]: ...the Academy (AMPSAFA) accepts this award on her behalf.

Bet: Damn. That Meryl Streep. She needs to loosen up. And now, how about some music? Let's bring out the Alan Arkin Dancers again! [audible groans from the audience] Ha-haaaaa, I got you with that one. No, I'm happy to present the Best Song Alan F Arkin Sings in a Movie nominees.

"I Saw Three Ships," sung by Mr Arkin in "Edward Scissorhands," sung tonight by Sting!
"Ain't Gonna Grieve My Lord No More," sung by Mr Arkin in "Rafferty and the Gold Dust Twins," sung tonight by the Hackensaw Boys!
"That French Song," sung by Mr Arkin in "Inspector Clouseau," sung tonight by Andy Williams!
"That Weird And Mumbly Possible Hymn," sung by Mr Arkin in "Deadhead Miles," sung tonight by a small portion of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!

Let's hear it for those Hackensaw Boys! [shot of Jack Nicholson applauding enthusiastically] And the Shelly goes to ... [opening of envelope] "Ain't Gonna Grieve My Lord No More," from "Rafferty and the Gold Dust Twins!"

[prolonged applause, shot of Jack Nicholson smiling and clapping] Well, apparently Mr Arkin couldn't be here tonight, so the Academy would like to present this award to ... the Hackensaw Boys! Come on out, boys, give us a kiss.

In an award presented earlier this evening to Mr Arkin, who wasn't here to accept it, the best short film went to "People Soup." Thank you.

Now, to our directing award. To help out with the directing award, I'd like to introduce esteemed director Woody Allen! [shot of Jack Nicholson clapping enthusiastically]

Woody: Hello Bet.

Bet: Woodman! How's the wife? How's the daughter? How's the wife and daughter? [shot of Jack Nicholson going, "Ooooh!"]

Woody: I don't like you. I like Alan Arkin, though. We're New Yorkers. You're not. I don't like you at all.

Bet: Think I care? Hey, these pretzels are making me thirsty!

Woody: Oh, yeah, how many times have I heard that? Hey! You kicked me!

Bet: Did not.

Woody: Yes, you did! You kicked me in the shin! Jack, did you see her kick me in the shin? [shot of Jack Nicholson nodding]

Bet: Did not. Present the award.

Woody: Only if you stop kicking me. OK. Just stand over there. The nominees for Best Director of an Alan Arkin Movie Directed by Alan Arkin are:

Alan Arkin, "Fire Sale"
Alan Arkin, "Little Murders"

And the Shelly goes to ... stop kicking me! ... [opening of envelope] Alan Arkin, "Little Murders." Ouch! [Woody runs offstage]

Bet: Ehh, go sort your reeds. Seems Mr Arkin couldn't be here tonight, so the Academy accepts this award on his behalf.

And now, it's time for Best Actor in an Alan F Arkin movie! The nominees are:

Alan F Arkin, Sheldon Kornpett, "The In-Laws"
Alan F Arkin, Cooper the Truck Driver, "Deadhead Miles"
Alan F Arkin, Mr Singer, "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter"
Alan F Arkin, Yossarian, "Catch-22"
Alan F Arkin, Gunny Rafferty, "Rafferty and the Gold Dust Twins"

And the Shelly goes to ... [opening of envelope] Alan F Arkin, Yossarian, "Catch-22!" Seems Alan F Arkin couldn't be here tonight, so the Academy (AMPSAFA) accepts this award on his behalf.

It's time for our final award of the evening. [shot of Jack Nicholson clapping enthusiastically] Yes, it's the Best Picture Starring Alan Arkin. And the nominees are:

"The In-Laws," starring Alan Arkin
"Deadhead Miles," starring Alan Arkin
"Catch-22," starring Alan Arkin
"The Heart is a Lonely Hunter," starring Alan Arkin
"Little Miss Sunshine," starring Alan Arkin

And the Shelly goes to ... [opening of envelope] "The In-Laws," starring Alan Arkin! Ha! Guess they don't call it the Shelly for nothin', huh. Seems Alan Arkin couldn't be here, so the Academy accepts this award on his behalf.

Well, that brings our little ceremony to an end for this year, but be sure to tune in next year when we'll beeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrghhhhhhh!

[Woody Allen runs out onstage and pummels Bet into oblivion]

[shot of Jack Nicholson clapping enthusiastically]

[fade to black]

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, tell me about ice.
- Honorable Mentions go to LilyG, with her, "Louie, you'se iced Joe?" and DeepFatFriar, with his, "Like, yo, it jelled!"
- Runner-Up goes to Kellie, with her, "Lookout! Yonder icy junglegym!"
- And this week's winner goes to Flipsycab, with her, "Leaves you in jail." Boy, does it.
- Thanks to all who played. You've all done very well!