Ice Required, But No Dancing Allowed

I'm going to go on a rant tonight. And what's worse, I'm going to go on a rant tonight about something no one cares anything about.

Ice dancing.

Now, I don't even care about ice dancing. Pretty much, I don't care about figure skating at all anymore. I used to. I used to really love watching it, at least the amateur kind like are in the Olympics. The professional kind, and especially the professional kind featuring people in Cookie Monster costumes noodling around on the ice, not so much. Let me make that clear right now. But figure skating has undergone some major changes in the last few years and has become incredibly boring and predictable, and so I gave figure skating its ring back, even though we still remained on speaking terms. Lately, though, I don't care to speak, and figure skating can do whatever, with or without me. In fact, the only thing currently that excites me the littlest bit about it all is the rise and fall and fall and rise and fall of Johnny Weir, American skater and effeminate goofy snot-nosed little brat, who most of the skating establishment hates but I love simply for the fact that one never knows if he'll skate the performance of his life or fall once, give the judges the finger, and leave the ice. I really like that.

Anyway, due to some boring TV prospects this weekend, I found myself watching the US Nationals in figure skating. And it all came back to me 1) how little I care about it all, 2) how even though it's very little indeed, it's still enough to incense me while watching, and 3) how ice dancing is just shit.

Now, here's my take on ice dancing. It's just shit. Yeah, I know, I've already said that, but I thought I'd reiterate it. It's always been shit, they wouldn't even recognize it as a sport till 1976, when cocaine was big and someone on the board apparently snorted a little too much of it, but there you go. Ice dancing in its early days was, oddly enough, dancing on ice. You know, people holding onto each other and waltzing around. Boring, yes, but at least aptly named.

Then there began an offshoot ice dancing movement, the militant faction I call the Respresentationals. I don't know who started the Representational Movement, but I wish I did so I could find them and pummel them into chiffon and sequin pancakes. I'm blaming it on the Russians, and I think I'm probably right in doing this, but anyway, the Representationals decided that ice dancing should become ballet on ice. And so they began picking out music from famous operas and ballets and putting on their own little four-minute dramas. Apparently it promoted ice dancing to modern art, and the old style of dancing became Dogs Playing Poker.

And suddenly, the Representationals had strategized their way to a major coup, and the old "hold onto me, I'm boring and lonely" waltzers were prisoners of war. And the Representationals went hog wild and pig crazy with power.

Generally, here's how an ice dancing routine goes these days. Blaring, bombastic music, something like Wagner's Ring Cycle, and each dancer in a couple is "something." He's the devil, and she's the good soul trying not to be cast into the pit of hell. She's a statue, and he's the man who falls in love with her, hoping one day she'll come to life. They're salt and pepper shakers at the Last Supper. He's a tree, she's a dog. You get the idea. Then as the music blasts, they dip and turn over the ice, faces contorted to show pain and longing ("Oh, woe is me! Judas needs more pepper!"), and they raise their arms skyward in between twizzles and frappes and lifts where her nether regions are way too close to his face. And at some point, one or both of them end up lying down writhing around on the ice.

Get it? It's just shit.

About the only time a figure skating watcher gets a reprieve from all this sturm and drang is during the World Championships, when there is an Israeli couple in the competition. Israeli couples always dance to Jewish music. And no, this isn't some sort of ethnic slur, it's a real fact of life, a fact for which I am extremely grateful, because it's usually klezmer music which is danceable and fun and easy on the ears. They never win, but by God, at least they're in there representing the prisoners of war from the old skating days.

Cut back to the weekend, though, and the US Nationals. I was the lucky viewer of the whole damn thing, at least where ice dancing was concerned. I got to see about four couples. The first was a couple wherein the girl was American and the man was Russian, and they did the whole "I'm a Wal-Mart employee and she's a shopper who comes in to buy a rifle, but shoots herself while trying it out, and I carry her around a lot while she demises." They got a very high score, as you might imagine.

Then there was a couple that skated - and I know you think I'm making this up, but I'm not - to side 2 of "Abbey Road." Now, normally I'd think that was a pretty damn cool proposition, but I thought it was horrendous instead, for two reasons. 1) I can't believe they let people skate in these competitions now to vocalized music, and 2) they left out "Mean Mr Mustard" and "Polythene Pam," which were really the two songs I most wanted to see someone skate to. (They left out "Her Majesty," too.) They really sucked, simply because they just skated around to this album, not dancing but also not doing anything special with the songs playing. They could have been playing any music and it would have all been the same. They got a fair score, but not as good as the Russian Wal-Mart employee and the dead shopper.

Then came a young couple who did some sort of "I'm a goofball in a velvet bolero vest and she's my Egyptian girlfriend" thing, and they showed a lot of promise, but they made the fatal mistake of smiling throughout their routine. As we all know, ice dancing is like the Oscars. Just as no comedy can win the Oscar, no smiling dancers are allowed at the ice dancing rink. The intro to their performance, though, was my favorite moment of the night. The short program competition in ice dancing is called the original dance, or OD, and the rink announcer proudly said about them, "In third place after the OD...." I kept thinking, "Damn, if they hadn't OD'd, they might have been in first."

Then came the defending champs and current world medalists. Their names are Belbin and Agosto, and as ice dancers go, I like these folks. They've climbed their way up the world ice dancing ladder by sheer talent and grit, for they have two serious things going against them. They're American, and they're not Representationals.

Now by the way, and I kind of promised myself I wouldn't even get into this, but I guess I will, because it comes into play here. All of my above didn't take into consideration the additional reason ice dancing is shit, the judging. Couples are sort of pre-picked for placement, just like in pre-season football polls, and most top couples get major leeway in their performances. I've seen ice dancing couples actually fall, go sprawling across the ice with a thud, and still win a competition. This is just ludicrous, for we all know that if skaters who aren't even doing jumps fall on the ice, they should be disqualified and asked to leave the building.

Then there's that "other" judging problem.

See, Belbin and Agosto (B & A) had a routine for this year's competitive season, I saw it some weeks ago, and it was - gasp and knee-weakness - a prisoner of war "hold onto me and dance" routine. They did it to actual dancing music, and even had the audacity to smile like they were having fun out there. And the judges didn't like this. The judges, this Representational Movement Firing Squad, disliked this old-school routine so much that no matter how well it was performed, B & A's competition placement hovered around fifth or sixth every time they took the ice. And so with all that judicial leaning-upon, B & A had no choice but to change their routine.

Yes, actually change their routine, mere weeks before the US Nationals.

B & A were the last couple to take the ice, and so they did, and they did their new routine. It wasn't so much "I'm a lonely shepherd and she's an unruly sheep who won't join the flock," as it was "I'm a guy who would much rather be doing my old routine, and ditto for her." They did their moves to some bland tuneless music, and took first place. And that's a shame, not that they won, but because it was no more difficult than the original routine, and far less entertaining and interesting.

And I doubt they'll go any further this year in the world ice dancing realm. Unless they decide to work that unruly sheep idea into things.

While we're at it, there is an ice skating move that needs to be outlawed. Used to be that only men did this move, but now men, women, and especially couples are doing it all over the place. It's a move where the skater spreads the legs and bends the knees and puts them in opposite directions, then zips along the ice, and it looks like this.





















It's as ugly as homemade sin, and we need to write to someone to have it axed. Well, we'd need to if we cared. We don't care, though, do we?

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, give me some advice.
- Honorable Mention goes to Flipsycab, with her "Try knowledge: titillate others learnedly, yearly."
- Runner-Up goes to DeepFatFriar, with his "Talk kindly to old ladies, y'all."
- And this week's winner goes to LilyG, with her "To know total outrageousness, learn yoga."
- Thanks to all who played. You've all done very well!