Thank Heaven For Little Girls

It all started as a germ of an idea between my sister and her friend, who just happens to be Mrs Ricky Ricardo, wife of the man who deftly guided me through the whole Shower Wall Debacle last summer. It was an idea none of their compatriots seemed to think much of.

See, the both of them have boys who are high school seniors, and they are both on the Project Graduation committee. For the uninitiated, Project Graduation is a program wherein the newly graduated are thrown a huge all-night party at their minutes-old alma mater. It's fun for the kids, and even more fun for the parents, because it keeps the kids in one place, safe, sober, off the roads in speeding vehicles, and the kids are around for one more day.

I don't know about everywhere, but in Our Little Burg, Project Graduation is a big thing. Everywhere you go people are selling things, doing things, walking, washing cars, shoving donuts at you, even selling Avon, to make money for the kids' big night. And it is a big night, money is given out to the kids, local businesses donate huge prizes (I mean, like, a car) to give away in drawings, there are activities, games, bands, dancing, karaoke, and well, it takes a lot of money.

So this year my sister and her buddies have been on the business end of this fundraising. And it was at the very beginning of the year the sister and Mrs Ricardo came up with the idea no one was really so keen on.

A beauty pageant.

A beauty pageant with guys.

When they first launched the idea at a committee meeting, the general lack of enthusiasm came in this form - "It'll never work. You'll never get more than two guys to even do it, no one will want to see it, and it'll end up losing money."

By the way, my sister and I are quite different people. In other words, don't tell my sister no. She and Mrs Ricardo started talking to kids about the idea, and in the span of a couple of days had six boys who said they'd do it. Sis and Mrs R went back to the Project G people with a hale and hearty "ha ha, you bastards," and a couple of people said if they really thought they could pull it off, they'd be willing to help. And of course, the parents who saw their sons' names on the contestant list were, while surprised, also pretty much bound into service.

And so for about the past 3 months, the Ms (because this is the 21st century, you know) G-Man pageant has pretty much been my sister's life. I've heard about it all, the ups and downs, the talents, the costumes, the wigs, and the sponsors. See, each contestant would have a sponsor, a local business who gave money to the cause. Local celebrity judges were called and begged, crowns were searched for, and the parents who involved themselves were really going full-bore on the work.

They ended up with 11 contestants. 10 of the 11 were jocks. 3 of the 10 were big, hulking jocks. The others were lithe and muscular jocks. The star quarterback, running backs, and defensive backs of the football team were vying for the title, along with half the baseball team and a couple of soccer players. One of the baseball team, well, was the Dear Nephew.

The basic logistics of the pageant, the staging, the order, the questions asked to contestants, were mapped out by the parents. Everything else was up to the guys. Girls. Whatever. It was completely up to them to come up with their names, clothes, hair, escorts (girls who dressed as guys), accomplishments and hobbies to be read, talents, and answers to those all-important "final questions." And they got into it. A couple went for the trampy look (->), we had a few divas, one earth mother, a prim and proper girl, and Taytie (<-) was Taynelle, the country girl, complete with Big Hair. (Actually, his blonde wig didn't cover all of his real hair, so he just sat the wig on top of his head and pinned it, making a great Country Singing Bun.) The pageant was on Friday night, but after the Tuesday rehearsal I got a call from my sister. "If you don't come to this, you will never forgive yourself. [Like I'd miss it.] We laughed so hard we almost didn't get the rehearsal done. I cannot believe what these guys have done - it's genius!" So I met my folks at the high school Friday evening, we got a second-row seat so my dad could possibly see a little better, and waited for the show. And a show it was. It was hosted by one of the teachers, who did a great job hamming it up as Bert Parks. And from the moment the first contestant took the stage, a very trampy Middle Son Ricardo (->), the belly laughs began, and this uncontrollable laughter went on solid for the next 2 1/2 hours. As each contestant took the stage and paraded in the Evening Gown Competition, his (her - whatever) accomplishments were read. They ranged from "Proudly maintains a 0.0 grade point average" to "Former Miss Jewell Ridge" (a very dubious backwoods section of the area) to "Member of WUAM (Women United Against Men)" to Taynelle's "Has appeared on both Jerry Springer and the Maury Povich Shows." As they left the stage to prepare for the Talent Competition, their hobbies were read. Everything from "Enjoys picking up roadkill for home taxidermy and solving the Rubik's Cube" to "Bakes cookies for World Peace" to "Believes in a good steak, a hot bubble bath, and capital punishment" to "Is never seen without a romance novel in her handbag" to "Enjoys playing Old Maid with old maids" (that was the nephew's) to my personal favorite, "Enjoys playing the flute for the homeless." I was laughing at "playing the flute for the homeless" for days.

Now, though there was a rehearsal, the boys threw in a twist when the show went on. They stayed in character all night long. They blew kisses to the judges (mainly to the one who's a sportscaster on the local TV news), hugged each other, gave "mwah cheek kisses," and flirted with the emcee. They were like professionals. It was amazing, and hilarious.

The Talent Competition was terrific. We had a cheerleader, who danced and cheered (multitasking!), a Tina Turner lip syncher, a salsa dancer, a hula dancer, and a water glass player. Some of the guys teamed up on their talents, three guys (girls - whatever) did a ribbon-on-a-stick dance to "Barbie Girl," two did a ballet (the red tutu was breathtaking), and the nephew and the earth mother sang a version of "Stand By Your Man" that would bring tears to the eyes (<-). Finally, it was time for that all-important Question and Answer Competition. All the contestants found a way to work in World Peace and Helping the Less Fortunate. Taytie's question was, "If you could live any place in the world, where would it be?" and of course picked the good old USA, because, "We're the richest country, have the most nuclear weapons, and, well, I guess we're just better than everybody else." Then he took the microphone from the emcee, tugged on his red, white, and blue scarf, and declared, "These. Colors. Don't. Run!" to thunderous applause. It took forever for the judges to make all their decisions, but as the host said, things this good are worth waiting for. Nathan won Miss Congeniality (which was good, since he does play the flute for the homeless), and Paul (who sang with Taynelle) won the talent. TJ was second runner-up, Stevie was first runner-up, and...

...wait for it...

My Dear Nephew, Taynelle, was crowned Ms G-Man 2007. I certainly wasn't expecting it, but there he was. My mother never got a beauty queen with either of her daughters, but by God, she got one with her grandson. (By the way, Mom was so proud when I turned to her at one point in the show to say, quite honestly, "Mom, your grandson looks exactly like you.")

Then, it was time for a little joke on the boys. Girls. Whatever. To do the honor of crowing the queen, the parents doing all this snuck in the kids' favorite teacher, totally unbeknownst to any of them, dressed him up, and he came out as Miss G-Man 1965 to place the crown on the blonde bun of Taynelle. The guys (girls - whatever) were flabbergasted, absolutely on their knees with laughter.

The house was packed, and had a blast. Maybe almost as much of a blast as the contestants. And that's why it was so great, these guys were having the time of their lives out there. The local news showed clips of the pageant, and Taytie pined, "All the baseball games and cross-country matches I've been in, and when I get my TV close-up, I'm wearing a dress."

Project Graduation made about $2500, and the students are begging school officials to let them do the pageant again during the school day. I don't know if the boys (girls - etc) could ever recreate it, but I say let them do it. I think they could take it on the road in a national tour.

Oh, and by the way. Taynelle was sponsored by TheCompanyIWorkFor. I'm so proud.



Betland's Olympic Update:
* Well, we had one taker for the acro. So this week's winner of the Kim Jong Il Fashion Extravacro is LilyG, with her "Asian butthead, clothed daringly. And boldly, creepily dressed. Alas, bare chest denied." Well played, Ms G.