Times Change, But There'll Always Be Rich Kids

I had a rather interesting movie weekend. It was a long weekend for me, Friday off, and I celebrated by renting four DVDs. Only one of which I had any interest at all in seeing. And it was a TV show. So I had three recently released big-name movies I just couldn't force myself to watch. And I ended up watching movies on cable instead.

And the story of one of those movies was also rather interesting. (See? I told you. Interesting movie weekend.) The movie itself wasn't interesting in the least, just the story.

Having Friday off, I of course slept late. My favorite activity, sleeping late. And so I began watching this movie in bed. And as it started, I said to myself, "I'll just pop in to this one till I get out of bed." I got out of bed and kept watching, saying, "When I get dressed, I'll quit watching." Then it was, "I'll go to the grocery in a minute and quit watching." Then it was, "Really, I'm going to quit watching this movie." I think I was saying that one as the end credits were rolling.

The movie in question was a horrid little number called "Rich Kids."

"Rich Kids" was released in 1979. I knew this, not only because my cable info guide told me so, but also because this movie was so 1979 it made my eyes hurt. Everything about this movie screamed 1979. Finally, during the scene where The Mom misplaces her daughter, while in bed with her lawyer (See? 1979!) and frantically asks for the phone, the lawyer hands her a big white phone, the cord of which is draped over his chest during the call. It was at that point that I couldn't help myself, and I screamed, "1979!"

"Rich Kids" wasn't so much about kids being rich as it was about kids who were rich, and how terribly painful that all is. It was one of those movies with kids who have everything but parents who love one another, yes, self-absorbed parents who think too much, argue too much, and love to talk about their innermost feelings too much. Everyone in this movie had some serious innermost feelings. Because the late 70s, and especially the late 70s in New York, were just full of innermost feelings. (Also, apparently in the late 70s filmmakers didn't realize that there were Rich People outside of New York. I think there were, though I don't have the facts and figures to prove it.)

OK. See, Franny's 12, we know this because at one point she screams, "I'm only 12!" before running down the street in a fit of angst, and her parents have a very unhappy marriage on the verge of kaputness. Mom's sleeping with the lawyer, and Dad's sleeping with a practically teenaged Jill Eikenberry, except he only sleeps with her till about 4:30am. Then he gets up, slogs his unfaithful self home, and is there with Mom when Franny wakes up, because they haven't told Franny just how terribly unhappy their innermost feelings are. But she knows, of course, because this movie's all about how kids are smarter than parents.

Franny's made a friend, a new kid in school named Jamie. His parents are already divorced, so he's an old hand at this. His life is a little different, his mom and stepdad talk about their innermost feelings, which are basically how happy they are they're together, and how much they hate Jamie's dad, the hip photographer who sleeps around a lot. And of course, they're so busy being happy and hating Jamie's dad that they don't pay much attention to him.

And hilarity ensues. It's unintentional hilarity, because this wasn't a comedy, but I guess you take the laughs where you can get them. Franny and Jamie start spending friendly weekends together, platonically, at Jamie's dad's bachelor pad, which is so 1979 I kicked my legs with glee, kicking the covers right off myself and forcing myself to get out of bed, saying I was going to quit watching this horrid movie. The pad is some kind of chic New York loft with skylights and live trees and birds, and neon skylines and stereo components mounted on the black walls. It was delightfully craptastic.

The kids spend these weekends discovering their innermost feelings, learning how to kiss, and with Jamie telling Franny all the ins and outs of what it's going to be like when her parents finally grow some balls and tell her they're going to divorce. And of course, it all goes exactly like Jamie's said, but that doesn't make it any easier on Franny, and that's when she runs down the street, and then that fateful weekend comes when Franny's mother misses her daughter and starts calling around for her on that behemoth corded telephone (at least it's a push-button, but again, they're rich), and all the adults, Franny's parents, Jamie's parents, the stepdad, and the lawyer, who has slept with every woman there and possibly some of the men, find the two kids having an innocent bath in the 1979 bachelor pad, and, well, the innermost feelings that are flying around, I can't even begin to tell you. (That sentence was long, and I apologize.)

And after all that primal screaming we get the fallout, which is Franny's mom and dad sleeping together, and Franny hoping this means they'll get back together, but of course this is 1979, and so we're left with no clear-cut answers, but a glimmer of hope that the reuniting will take place. Yes, we the audience are hoping too, because these two people are so deserving of a slap in the face they just need to spend the rest of their lives together, if only to be in close proximity so slapping both their faces won't entail driving across town to the teenaged Jill Eikenberry's apartment.

Now, the only reason I even began to watch this movie Friday morning was because one of the Rich Kids was an actress I remember very fondly from that era, Trini Alvarado. She was one of the more appealing kid actors, and I'll try my best to forgive her being so cute and vulnerable and hooking me into watching this whole film. John Lithgow was Franny's dad, and another great clue to it being 1979 was the abundance of hair he possessed. Paul Dooley, a great movie dad if there ever was, was Jamie's stepdad, and Jamie's real dad was Terry Kiser, a much in-demand character and commercial actor in the 60s and 70s, who went on to be dead in the 47 "Weekend At Bernie's" movies. ("Bernie! He won't decompose!")

Anyway, it was just an awful movie, where you really did want to slap everyone there in the face, and it was a product of its time.

Which got me to thinking.

What if this movie had been made in other years? Well, one can only speculate.

"Franny & Jamie" (1955): Franny and Jamie meet at summer camp, a lush, rolling farm and dude ranch. One day in the barn while pitching hay with a fork, Franny tells Jamie her deep dark secret, that she thinks she was sent away because her parents are getting a, you know, a thing. (D-I-V-O-R-C-E.) Later, the two find something in the hay - a locket. Jamie gets out his trusty spy kit and looks for fingerprints and marks with his magnifying glass. Franny and Jamie spend the rest of the movie trying to figure out the mystery of the locket, but it just turns out Franny's parents had hidden it there because it was to be her birthday present, given to her at a big camp party with all the kids around. And Franny's parents, who, it turns out, are just as happy as clams. Because these were the Eisenhower years. Featuring a cameo appearance by Tim Considine and David Stollery as Spin and Marty.

"Rich Kids Beach A Go-Go" (1964): Franny's an unhappy girl, so she and friend Jamie head to the beach to discuss what can be done about her possibly separating parents. There they meet the other kids, dance, play volleyball, and hang out at The Cove, featuring house band The Ventures. This older man keeps spying on them at The Cove, and invites all the kids to his Big Mansion, where he reveals himself as an evil scientist who's made a machine that turns kids into Communist Robots. Just when the kids think their doom is near, Franny's parents show up, with the FBI in tow. The Feds drag the evil scientist away as he shakes his fist in their general direction, and everyone lives happily ever after. Featuring Lesley Gore as Franny's best girlfriend, Lesley.

"Rich Kids Trip Out" (1968): Franny and Jamie live with parents they cannot understand nor respect. Franny's dad is a suit-wearing, cigar smoking Board Member, and her mother doesn't realize she exists, because she starts having cocktail hour at about 1pm. So Franny and Jamie start hanging out at Jamie's divorced dad's groovy bachelor pad, where Dad turns them on to the wonders of marijuana. They escape into a world of psychedelic bliss, wearing fringed jackets and sunglasses, and one day while Jamie's dad is out on his motorcycle, Franny and Jamie go up to the roof to drop some acid. As they're in the middle of a particularly outtasite trip-out, they both fall off the roof to their deaths. The parents are called to the scene, and there is much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments and screaming, "Why?!" as the camera pans out. Featuring the Strawberry Alarm Clock as Jamie's dad's motorcycle gang.

"Rich Kids In Love" (1972): Jamie's divorced parents pay him no attention, nor do Franny's unhappily married ones. So the two kids pool their allowances and run away, hitchhiking across the country and sleeping under the stars. There they discover the joys of first romance and prepubescent sex (in a cornfield, as the music swells). By the time they reach Oklahoma, the parents are hot on their trail. They catch up with the kids in New Mexico, where her parents drag a sobbing Franny away. However, Jamie escapes, and we get a final shot of him walking along a deserted western road.

"The Society of Rich Kids" (1984): Franny's in a funk because because her parents are separated, seeing other people, and she wants a date with the ultra-rich Big Man on Campus. So she and best friend Jamie, class clown and outcast, decide to crash the BMoC's exclusive party, where Franny and Big Man get hilariously locked inside his Maserati, and Jamie becomes the object of affection of the head cheerleader. Nothing much happens, but there's a soundtrack by every musical act who made a record in the mid-80s. Featuring Cyndi Lauper as Franny's favorite English teacher.

"Rich Kids Save Their Family" (1989): Franny's parents are about to divorce. Jamie's parents already have. The two of them decide to go on a crusade to get their families back to the happy entities they once were. So they spend their birthday money printing up fancy, expensive invitations, invitations to Jamie's dad's stark-white minimalist apartment, for a fancy dinner party. When all are assembled, the kids cut the electrical wires, lock the doors, and refuse to let anyone out until all problems are solved. Look for the scene where Franny's dad's practically teenaged girlfriend has a bucket of frogs poured on her, it's a classic. By sunrise the next morning, all the parents realize just how wrong they were to split up, the girlfriend and stepdad realize how cute each other are, and everyone goes home paired up, happy, and grateful for having such wonderful kids.

"Who's Watching the Rich Kids?" (1996): Both of Franny's parents are divorcing their second spouses. Jamie has a mom, three stepdads, and a succession of nubile blondes runing around his dad's Soho loft. No one has much time for Franny & Jamie, so they spend their time in the squat of the older brother of a friend of theirs. They spend their summer days taking ecstasy and sleeping with each other, their friends, their friends' brother, and their friends' brother's friends. They max out their parents' credit cards on Chinese take-out and liquor. Since all of the sex was unprotected, they all find out they're now HIV-positive. The movie ends with them all at the free clinic, staring into space. Featuring Edward Furlong as the older brother.

"RichkidscurseD" (2004): Franny and Jamie escaped from their unhappy home lives by spending weekends at Jamie's dad's cottage on Long Island. There they hang out, get high, and watch movies. They find a DVD of Jamie's dad's marked "Private - Do Not View." Of course they watch, and find that it's a home movie of Jamie's dad killing his old girlfriend and raping and mutilating her dead body. The electricity suddenly goes out, and when the lights come back on, the kids have entered the DVD and Jamie is his dad and Franny is his girlfriend. Franny grabs onto a family heirloom on the coffee table, and this transports the two kids back to the present day. What the two do not realize, however, is that by watching the video and entering the netherworld, that they have been cursed. All of their friends and relatives are dropping like flies from gruesome, grisly deaths. They figure the only way they can find a way out of this hell they've created for themselves is to watch the video again, enter the world, and see if they can change the past. They do just this. However, when it gets to the time of the murder, Franny cannot find the heirloom, and the movie ends with her close-up, a face secure in the knowledge that she shall now be murdered and mutilated. Flash forward six months, when a couple of kids who've broken into the cottage find the DVD and begin watching.

That's a lot of Rich Kids. But not so many innermost feelings. Innermost feelings are saved for the late 70s.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, who went wild with this free fround?
- Runner-up goes to LilyG, with her, "Jumping. "Geronimoooooooo!" Nuts, here's ground." Gives new meaning to the phrase, "Lileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (*pbbt*)."
- And this week's winner goes to DeepFatFriar, with his, "Jeb Goes Nuts; Hangs George." Hey! Now that's a whole new version of "Rich Kids!"
- Thanks to all who played - you've all done very well!