Big Fig Need Not Apply

You know, it was only Friday I was blogging about tunes in the 4th Great CD Mix Exchange. In fact, truth be told, it was only last night I was podcasting about tunes in the 4th Great CD Mix Exchange. Stennie and I do that alternate track thing, you know. And do it, and do it, and do it.

Anyway, Track Three on the mix was "Sellout - Song From A Commercial." I had my choice, "Pink Moon," from the VW commercial. I also had a list of alternates. Stennie had "Da Da Da," also from a VW commercial (oh, snap), and a list of alternates. And I don't recall there being one duplicated commercial song amongst the 12 entrants, and I have a sneaking suspicion each of the CD-makers had their own list of alternates.

And that, my fine feathereds, is a big list of commercial songs.

It's amazing. I can remember the first time I heard a popular song used for a commercial. It was "Help," by Not the Beatles, used in (if I'm not mistaken) an ad for that vehicle of durability, the Mercury Topaz. "Damn! That's 'Help!'" I exclaimed. Then popular songs started creeping into commercials, and now it seems every ad that comes on the air - and that's a lot of ads - contains a song someone knows. Sometimes artists seem to barely get a song recorded before they start shilling it around to companies as an ad song. There's even a website dedicated to this phenomenon, adtunes.com.

And I don't have much of a problem with that, as a rule. Sometimes it's a pretty bad usage of song, though. Like when Target used the great Devo song "It's a Beautiful World." Sure, they were hawking their items, showing housewares and handbags and handkerchiefs, while Devo was singing, "It's a beautiful world we live in, a sweet romantic place...it's a beautiful world, it's a beautiful world for you." However, they mysteriously cut out the end of that song, the whole point in fact of that song, "It's a beautiful world for you...but not for me." Funny, that.

I have no doubt in my mind that Iggy Pop sold "Lust for Life" to that cruise line as a massive fuck-you to the commercial world, to line his pockets selling his drug and debauchery-soaked punk anthem to a company catering to the upper-class. And sure, it's fun watching people swim, sun, ride horses, and golf to Iggy shouting, "Lust for life! Got a lust for life!" We don't, however, hear about Johnny coming in again with the liquor and the drugs, and sleeping on the sidewalk, and the government loan, and the hypnotizing chickens. In some of those Caribbean ports, one probably could hypnotize a chicken if they knew where to look.

Then there was Wrangler, who decided to go all flag-waver on our asses with their jeans commercial where they used "Fortunate Son," by Creedence Clearwater Revival. And this one, folks, this one really got me. I've loved that song since my childhood, and to hear the opening twang and the lyric, "Some folks were born made to wave the flag, oooh, they're red, white, and blue," while some clean-cut kids romped around in Wranglers, well, in a word, grrrr. Of course, the commercial suspiciously faded out before John Fogerty got to sing, "But it ain't me, I ain't no fortunate son." I'm convinced they used this song because they couldn't get "Born in the USA," which is as funny, since that's no flag-waver, either.

Anyway, sometimes popular songs work in commercials and sometimes they don't. But that's not really the thing here. Here's the thing I can't stop thinking about when I see these commercials featuring popular songs of the day.

These rock stars are putting a jingle writer out of business!

Now, I grew up in the 60s. That's what commercials were. They were housewives on the verge of suicide because they couldn't remove ring around the collar, and they were commercial jingles. They were, "Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh, what a relief it is," and, "You'll wonder where the yellow went, when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent." And I like that. I have a soft spot in my heart for the poor guy who made a living writing a 10-second song to hype a product.

I can just see him, at a desk in a dingy office, surrounded by files and papers, scribbling on a piece of paper. "Mmmmm, no. Mmmmmm, not quite. Mmmmm, no way." And after a trash can full of crumpled papers later, "I've got it! Byyyyy - Mennen!" And thus came his check for $45.

Or a group of them, in their stiff white shirts and black ties. All sitting around a big table hashing it out. "Let's see, let's see. Brylcreem. How about 'Brylcreeeeem - put a gob in your ha-air?'"

"Oh, that's rotten. You don't want to tell them they have to use half a tube. That means it's a weak product."

"Yeah, but if they use a big gob, then they'll buy Brylcreem more often."

"Nah, it's not right. You need something like, 'Brylcreeeem - spread a little on your co-omb.'"

"On your comb? You know there are people out there who'll put it on their combs, put their combs in their pockets, and will send us a bill for their shirt stains."

"Hey, how about about something like, 'Brylcreeeeem - a dab for your 'do?'"

"Nah, men don't have 'dos. That'll sound, you know, fruitish."

And so on, until the collective Brylcreem Braintrust came up with "Brylcreeeeem - a little dab'll do ya."

If I could take a trip in Mr Peabody's WABAC machine, there are a lot of moments in history I'd like to spy in on, but one thing I'd fork over big cash to see was my favorite TV jingle of all time being written. That would be the Big Fig Newton.

As we all know, or anyone who's my age, the Big Fig Newton featured a man dressed as a giant fig, holding a box of Fig Newtons. And he sings the ditty:

Ooey chewy rich and gooey inside,
Golden flakey tender cakey outside,
Wrap the inside in the outside
Is it good? Darn tootin'!
Doin' the Big Fig Newton!

Of course, there's a Fig Newton dance as well, which even gave a choreographer a few bucks, just like the choreographer who worked on the Campbell's soup "Let's Face The Chicken Gumbo and Dance" commercial. But the song - can you imagine just being there at the creation of that classic?

"What rhymes with Newton? Shootin'? High-falutin'? No, no, no! Darn tootin'! We got it!"

And then that whole flakey cakey ooey gooey, well, there were obviously some libations being passed around as well.

Anyway, there were a million of them, and now, well, I'm sure there have to be a couple, but I can't think of any modern TV jingles. There are certainly no Big Fig Newtons, not that there'll ever be another one of those. The Big Fig Newton can never be recreated.

No, now Little Debbie snack cakes uses Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" in their ads. I'm not kidding about that, by the way. Little Debbie needs a snappy jingle, and not having to do sexual intercourse. Because, really, some of her cakes have sexual intercourse beaten by a mile.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, tell me about your long car trip.
- Honorable Mentions go to LilyG, with her, "Off Kentuckyward, fueled on donuts," and DeepFatFriar, with his, "Obviously, Kenneth, Florida's out. Dakotas?"
- Runner-Up goes to Flipsycab, with her, "Only knowing four Ozzy ditties." Now that's a long car trip.
- And this week's winner goes to Michelle the dishy, with her, "Over Kentucky, Ferd offered dope." Made me giggle, that one.
- Thanks to all who played - you've all done very well!