More On The Lonely Life of the Golfer, or Members Only

When last I left you, my fine feathereds, I was having a little rant about commercials for prescription drugs, and how sad it must be to be a golfer these days. This is because all the prostate-fixers and weenie-unflacciders invite us to see their ads in Golf magazine and Golf Digest. I wondered aloud what that says about golfers, but since then I've actually been wondering what an issue of one of these golf magazines must look like. I mean, every other page must be an advertisement for some male prescription drug.

Anyway, I had no plans whatsoever for a sequel to Tuesday's blog. None. And this may not be one, but I had a strange occurrence at about 3:00 Wednesday morning. I woke up.

Now, this in and of itself isn't strange at all, I do that every night. But when it happened Wednesday, it was just so quiet in the house I reached over for the remote and flipped on the TV. It was tuned to CNN. Within about 7 minutes, there was a commercial break. And imagine my surprise when the first commercial in that break was for Levitra. Levitra! How I apologize to you, Levitra, for leaving you out of the erection pill family last blog. But wouldn't you just know it, by the time I could scramble up and grab my glasses to see what golf magazine contained their ad, it was over. And so I'll never know, unless I'm lucky enough to see it again before I end this blog.

So last night, sad soul that I am, I decided to do a little more internet research, and I went straight to Levitra's website. And boy, let me tell you, what a goldmine of information this place is. If I was a man, and therefore had that shaft of royalty known as a penis, and that penis just wasn't what it used to be, I'd go to that website, above all others, every day.

Because the Levitra people aren't like doctors. They're like your mom. All over that site it mentions high cholesterol, diabetes, and high blood pressure. It's those bad things that are causing the problem. Hell, there's even a link to a page called, "It's Not You." See, it's your mom! Patting your thigh, saying, "Dear, it's not you. Really, it's not." The websites for the other two drugs, Viagra and Cialis, are more like your football coach. Fist pumping and, "Let's get you in there and back in the game, sport!"

And I'm willing to make a confession right here and now, for what is a blog for but embarrassing confessions, I spent way too much time at the Levitra site. I kind of got addicted to it. It was just fascinating, for some reason.

It contained tidbits like this one, in the "Information for Partners" section. "Chances are your partner already realizes that something has changed in your sexual relationship." There's a bit of stating the obvious. But again, like your mom, the site goes on to state it's not your fault either, partner, you're just as cute and wonderful as you always were. Then there's a list of opening salvos - yes, actual word tracks, just like they try to get you to use at work - that you may feel comfortable with as a beginning to the "I'm going to go get some Levitra, so watch out" conversation. None of them start out with, "I have this friend...," but one does say, "You know, I've been thinking my [high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, insert one] may be causing a change in our sex life."

There's also a section on the site all about, and now, here's where things get a little rough, so I'm warning the squeamish now they may want to turn away, "erection quality." Apparently running the flag up the pole and having it salute isn't enough. There are three different items that make up whether your penis is quality stuff or something of an after-market part.

Of course there are separate sections about the "big three," the high cholesterol, diabetes, and high blood pressure that might be causing the problem. (Thanks, Mom.) There's also a "sexual health checklist" that one can fill out, print, and take to the doctor, just in case he's a little shy in bringing up the subject. Which is fine, and they're even tailored for the less erudite amongst you fellows who don't know the meaning of the word "penetrate." (I'm not kidding. You can go look if you like, but I'm warning you, it's addictive.)

And what would a site run by your mom be without something given to you for free. For there's a "Free Offers" section, where you can get three free tablets with your first prescription, and I'm betting this is a good thing because I have a feeling these drugs aren't for those on the lower end of the income scale. And you can sign up to have a free "fact kit" sent to you that looks like it has everything that's already covered on the website, but I'm left wondering, and I'm telling you, folks, I'm tempted to sign up to get my own free kit. I could always use Sherman's name, or Mr M's, or even Mike's. Like they'd ever know.

However. However!

The absolute brass ring on this website is the video. And yes, I'm embarrassed to admit this above everything else, but when you see a link to a video entitled, "How An Erection Works," and you don't have anything else on tap for the night, well. I mean, how can you not?

So let's get this right out of the way. It tells you exactly how an erection works, with, thank God, drawings. Because Mom wouldn't let them use real people. However, other than the rather science class-looking diagram at the beginning, a man's penis is represented by a red tube. With a curve in it. Sure, they call it a blood vessel, but we all know what's going on. The blood flowing through these vessels looks like cherry Life Savers, and when all is well, those Life Savers are just coursing through that vessel. And when all is not, well, it's about the saddest thing I've ever seen. One or two Life Savers limping out of the vessel, and believe me, it's not pretty. As is not the vessel itself, which, when unhealthy, is all bumpy and wrinkly, whereas the healthy vessel is nice and smooth.

The video also mentions the "big three," the reasons for your problem, and mentions side effects, the most horrific of which is the runny nose, imagine the trauma of a man all hopped up on Levitra towering over you with his nose running. In fact, this little video mentions just about everything about the male member and its problems except in which golf magazine their ad appears.

The most interesting thing, though, and possibly the most enlightening thing I've seen in years, occurs when there is an animated picture with the legend, "Erect Penis" superimposed on the screen. Now I know it's been a little while, but....

The picture we see of an erect penis looks like an eyeball. It's a circle, with a red inside and white outside. The only thing I could possibly imagine is that it's the cross-section of a penis, like they cut it in half. And that makes me wince, and I'm a girl, for cryin' out loud.

So maybe we should end here. Unless I'm missing something, and a penis really does look like a big round eyeball, in which case I need to do some more internet research, so we should end anyway.

Let's end.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Nothing, really. Tomorrow's Friday. Update your calendars!