Deer Pee, or Reality Check

I'm going to talk tonight, via fingers, about reality TV. And so I must issue my standard disclaimer here. Save for one show, "The Amazing Race," I don't like reality TV. In fact, I would go so far as to say I hate reality TV. It's just an incredibly embarrassing way to get on the TeeVee, and I don't know why, save for "The Amazing Race" of course, anyone would want to do it. I understand completely why someone would want to be on "The Amazing Race," though, and if I had the skills, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

However, it's summertime, you know. When television becomes more of a vast wasteland than it's ever been before, and sometimes I just want to watch some television, and these shows are staring me in the face, and so occasionally I'll stare back. I had a free evening last night and caught a bloc of reality shows, train wrecks that they were, and I just couldn't help but say a few words. Via fingers.

Now, I must be honest in the old blog, and so I have to tell you that the first program I caught was "Wife Swap." "Wife Swap" isn't nearly as dirty as it sounds, and I see this show as often as I possibly can. I don't like it so much as I'm addicted to it. Yes, I'm addicted to it, for it gives a high not unlike watching a car accident, or a man jumping off a building into a glass of water, or, oh, someone sawing a lady in half. Not a magician, just some schmoe off the street. With a rusty saw.

"Wife Swap" is a program wherein the TV People take two families, and the moms of those families switch houses for two weeks. The first week, the moms must live just like the moms in the houses they've been deposited in. Then the second week, they get to change all the rules and make their new families live just as they see fit.

"Wife Swap" has two different families each week, but it doesn't really matter, because the show is always the same. I was trying to explain this to my buddy Stennie one night, and she completed my explaining sentence so perfectly it took my breath away. See, I started my description of the show, "Let's say there's one family, and their whole life is dancing. All they do is dance, make dance costumes, go to dance recitals, polish their dancing trophies. That mom is then sent to...." and Stenns answered, "A family where the grandparents were killed by a rogue troop of dancers." And that's about as apt a description as I think exists.

The episode I saw last night contained one family where the poor put-upon dad did everything for the incredibly spoiled and pampered wife, and the even more pampered and spoiled obnoxious daughter. The daughter only wore the finest of designer clothes and makeup, and had a monthly cell phone bill of over $300. Dad worked all week to provide money for these soul-sucking women, and wasn't even allowed to sleep in the same bed as his wife because his snoring offended her. The mom of this family had to go to a house where that family ran their little business out of their home. And their business was, and I'm not making this up because as good as my imagination is it's not this good, their business was bottling deer pee.

Yes, Family Number Two were deer pee crazy. They collected it from a number of deer on their property, they put it into bottles right there on the kitchen counter, and they loved them some deer pee. They also ate deer meat every night and had deer heads on every wall of their home. Which was very large and modern and may have been nice had it not smelled like a giant deer urinal.

So for the first week, Deer Pee Mom was pampered and bored stiff, and Pampered Mom was gagging and choking and soaked in deer pee. When the second week came, I know you'll never guess what happened. Yep, Pampered Mom made Deer Pee Family stop being so damn crazy about deer pee, and Deer Pee Mom made her family bottle deer pee. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and a good time was had by all, well, not by all of them, but by all of us sitting in the Comfy Chair watching this train wreck of a program.

The thing that gets me about "Wife Swap" is that there's yet to be a family, and I've seen more than my share of families on this show, who aren't totally shocked and near the riot stage when their new mom changes the rules. It's like they've all been slapped in the face. There's arguing and crying and harsh words.

And so, if you happen to be reading this and thinking, "Wow, I really need to get on that 'Wife Swap' program," here is my Official "Wife Swap" Advice.

1. I'm assuming if you signed up for "Wife Swap," then you've seen at least one episode of the damn show. And let's face it, one is all you need. Therefore, you should know that the Mom who comes to your house is going to be the total polar opposite of everything you are. If you're a gun-toting military family, your Mom will be a flower-toting hippie. Do not let this alarm you. Do not act shocked. For if you are that shocked, you are indeed an idiot, which would explain why you signed up to be on "Wife Swap."

2. Because you know your Mom is going to be your polar opposite, and even if you didn't, you have to have learned it during her first week at your house, please do not be devestated when she changes the rules to make you live at a total 180 from what you're used to. For God's sake, people, if you spend all your time being a cheerleader, and you don't know that your new Mom, who surely was attacked by a rogue troop of cheerleaders once, is going to announce the first rule is, "No more cheerleading," then you are indeed an idiot, which again, would explain your appearance on the show.

3. When your new Mom announces her rules, don't blow up, cry, bitch, moan, get pissy, run out of the room, or threaten to kill yourself. It's one week out of your stinkin' life, for cryin' out loud! If you have to be forced to clean your house, or mow your lawn, or not work 21 hours a day, or put some deer pee in a bottle, and you can't do that for seven days out of a 75-year life span, you are indeed an idiot, have no sense of fun or adventure, and deserve to be ridiculed, which surely you will be when your histrionics show up on the TeeVee for all to see.

4. Parents, look at your kids every once in a while. If your kid has a near nervous breakdown at the thought of living one week in a "no cleaning, no organizing, no chore" environment, she's a weird kid. She needs therapy. If your kid, upon hearing video games are out for the next week, throws things and calls the new Mom a bitch, he needs a parental foot up his fundament.

OK, so there's your guide to being a contestant on "Wife Swap." But that show goes off at 9:00. And at 9:00, I caught an episode of something I'd seen once before, a little gem of a program called "Fat March." "Fat March" is a program wherein there are some people, and they're fat, and they march! Hard to believe, I know, but it seems to be true.

This show defies any kind of logic or decency. Now, I only caught my second episode last night, so I might be missing something, but here's what I've gleaned from the program so far. There are fat people, and they march. They're on a 500-mile march, and if they reach the finish line, even if it's on one leg, they share in a big prize, possibly a new leg. There are two fitness experts, who are therefore hosts of the show, along for the ride, but I've seen nary a thing but marching and sweating. I don't know what these people are eating, it could be deep fried Twinkies for every meal, but by God, they're marching. They're also sweating, falling down, getting shin splints, taking occasional trips to the hospital for knee x-rays and hydration IVs, and they're bitching and pissing and moaning like crazy.

And so, if you happen to be reading this and thinking, "Wow, I really need to get on that 'Fat March' program," here is my Official "Fat March" Advice.

1. Don't be fat. And I don't say this as a personal judgement here, because I happen to be on the hefty side. But if you are fat, you will be picked for this program, and you will be subjected to marching in 100-degree heat up and down the highways and byways of our great land, getting shin splints, falling down, having knee x-rays and hydration IVs, and sweating like crazy. You know those annoying friends who tell you you should lose weight because they're "worried about your health?" Well, I'm worried about your health if you go on "Fat March," for you shall end up in the hospital if not a slab at the morgue, and I'm more worried about your mental health if you're interested in being a contestant.

2. If you do choose to be fat enough to go on this 500-mile march, please stop pissing and moaning. You asked for it. Did you think it was going to be as fun as sitting on your couch watching "Fat March" on TV, eating bon-bons, and laughing at people falling down and getting shin splints?

3. When asked by the producers of the show what you want your by-line to be, as in what they superimpose on the screen under your name (ie, "Jane - Military Mom" or "Bob - Deer Pee Expert"), please do not identify yourself as "26-year old virgin." I swear there's a guy marching up and down our highways and byways, sweating, pissing, moaning, and falling down from shin splints, who seems to think that's his overall identifying trait.

And OK, there's your guide to being a contestant on "Fat March." But that show goes off at 10:00. And at 10:00, I caught an episode of a show I've seen several times, "Super Nanny." "Super Nanny" is a program wherein there's a British nanny, and she travels each week to a home where parents are stymied as how to take care of whatever brood of brats they might have for a given week. Then the Super Nanny gives them advice on how to get the little cretins rounded up and pointed in the right direction.

Last night's episode featured a family with six kids. Some were the wife's, some were the husband's, and one was theirs together. The husband was never home, having to work round the clock to feed this gaggle of kids, and the mother was left there with the little bastards, screaming at them not to do this or that, not to walk on the table, not to scream at each other, not to breathe, and would you please come into the closet to play with this plastic dry cleaning bag for a few minutes.

And so, if you happen to be reading this thinking, "Wow, I really need to get on that 'Super Nanny' program," here is my Official "Super Nanny" Advice.

1. Do not have more than one child. For if you do, things are going to get messy, and you're going to have to hire the Super Nanny, whose methods I cannot cotton to. If you have but one child and you need the Super Nanny, then you are an idiot indeed.

2. Do not marry, if you have a passel of kids, someone with a passel of kids. Real life is not an episode of "The Brady Bunch," and you don't have Alice living at your house, raising your kids and cooking your meals.

3. At some point, the Super Nanny will show you something called "The Naughty Bench," where you are to take your children and sit them for five minutes so they'll know they've been bad. When she shows you this Naughty Bench, laugh heartily in her British face.

4. Then proceed to beat your children. Beat them soundly and often. At least once a week. Even if they haven't done anything, beat them so they will know you have the capacity to do so. When one of your twins (as happened last night on "Super Nanny") hits the other twin in the face with a rowboat oar, do not take him to the Naughty Bench. Take the oar from his hand and beat him until he screams for another mommy from "Wife Swap" to come be his new mom. Then hit him one more time. If your child (as happened last night as well) climbs the ladder on the neighbor's RV and stands on top of it, do not scream, "Come down from there, it's dangerous!" like his mother did. Climb up on the RV and drag the child down, hitting his head on every rung of the ladder. Or call the neighbor and ask him to please start the RV, jerk it into reverse, then take off at 90 miles per hour.

5. When the Super Nanny mentions the phrase "time out," she means take a few minutes to calm down and then talk to your child, looking it in the eye. She doesn't take mean a few minutes to remove your belt and let the beatings begin. I, however, recommend the latter. Often.

OK, there's your guide to being a contestant on "Super Nanny," which is actually a guide on how not to be a contestant on Super Nanny, and therefore have kids I can sit next to in a restaurant.

You know, I think it's odd how restaurants are so big on giving you the choice of smoking or non-smoking, but wouldn't dream of giving you the choice of kids or non-kids. And I've yet to see a restaurant with a "Naughty Bench." That's a sign, you see.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, tell us all about labor.
- Honorable Mention goes to LilyG, with her, "Stupid idiotic overseer. Work's disgusting."
- Runner-Up goes to Michelle (the dishy), with her, "Sucky, idiotic old woman (Director)."
- And this week's winner goes to DeepFatFriar, with his, "Shit! I overslept, was demoted."
- Thanks to all who played - you've all done very well!