Once A Day, Every Day, All Day Long

You know, I'm aware of the fact that none of you watch the "Today" program. I wish I didn't. But I seem to, every weekday morning, as I'm getting ready for work. I don't like it, I yell things at the television, I groan, I toss things, and yet, I still watch. I promise you, if there was anything else on, I'd watch that.

And I mean that. I would. But all the other big networks have shows that are just the same as "Today," in fact they stole their format right from the old NBC gem, and CNN has gone to a "morning show" format instead of straight news from 7 - 9 am. And what's even more disconcerting, so has ESPN! They have, in between "SportsCenters," something called "Cold Pizza," which is not nearly as appetizing as cold pizza, unless it's cold anchovy and rutabaga pizza. TVLand shows "MASH," "Cheers," and "The Jeffersons," oh fuckin' boy, and BBCAmerica shows the BBC news, oh fuckin' boy again. So see, I'm really forced into this "Today" thing.

And what a thing. I'm sure I've blogged before about the talentless fools hosting the "Today" program. Matt Lauer, he of no hair and no personality, Ann Curry, who seems like a very nice lady, but cannot speak one sentence without muffing something up. She also has the very annoying habit of taking short gasps of breath at inopportune times. In the middle of sentences. It drives me bats. Willard Scott, the man who apparently doesn't believe in Social Security Retirement Benefits and is a senile old coot. Al Roker, who's fine as far as jolly weathermen go, as long as he doesn't go all serious. And up until a year ago, the unbelievable Katie Couric, who used to forever leave me gob-smacked when she'd actually ask questions to guests like, "When you discovered your son's body, and the head was missing, how did you feel?" When Katie left it was hats and horns time at the Poderosa, she went on to bomb out anchoring the CBS News, and will forever earn her place in hell (I get to decide who goes, you know) by, the night of the Virginia Tech shootings, grabbing the arm of a kid who was being interviewed for a local TV station, and then starting an interview with him herself. "You're on CBS now!"

I had some small hope that Katie might actually be replaced by someone who'd bring a little life into the show. Instead, NBC decided to hire the human equivalent of wallpaper paste, one Meredith Viera. How this woman got anywhere in the TV Biz is beyond me. She blends into the scenery, is humor impaired, and looks like the lady in front of you at the grocery store. And she was once a hostess on one of the worst television shows in the history of the box, "The View." Anyone who's ever hosted "The View" should be invited on an all-expense paid vacation to the edge of the Grand Canyon on a very windy day.

And the kicker with Meredith, this woman I'd never imagine getting such a plum job - she's only there for 2/3 of the show! Can you imagine going in for a job interview with the opening salvo, "Sorry, I can't work all day, I have other things I need to get done?" Well, she did it, and it worked. And so now since Meredith is not there for the last hour they've brought in people like Tiki Barber, the former football player with not much on the ball, but a head so shiny it could lead luxury liners through the fog. And Giada DeLaurentis, yes, a cook from the Food Network, the girl whose head is twice the size of her body. And she doesn't cook! She's a commentator! She does interviews and remotes!

Good God, the world's gone mad.

It has indeed, and here's where I'm heading. This compost heap of a TV show, that I see just about every day, started out as a two-hour 7 - 9 am show. Then a while back they got all heady and went to three hours, till 10 am. And now, with a hostess who wouldn't even stay the whole three hours, they've added another hour! They're on till fucking 11 am now!

I see a time in the very near future when, after Conan O'Brien leaves the air, the "Today" show will begin. And will go until 6 pm. They'll add other hosts and hostesses, that Ty Pennington building guy from "House Makeover," John Madden, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Pamela Anderson Lee Rock Anderson, Carson "Douchebag" Daly, The Amazing Kreskin, 50 Cent, Ryan Seacrest, The Verizon "Can You Hear Me Now" guy, Bob Dole, a Baldwin Brother, and a guy from the dry cleaner's around the corner.

And Willard Scott. He'll get a whole hour to wish 100-year olds happy birthday.

TVLand, why don't you just put me out of my misery and start showing "The Dick Van Dyke Show" in the mornings?

Betland's Olympic Update:
* I'm going to see the Hackensaw Boys tomorrow night! I'm going to see the Hackensaw Boys tomorrow night, and tonight I threw my back out mopping the kitchen floor!