What Price Beauty ($68)

Hello.

Isn't it funny how you kind of expect things that, well, that it's kind of silly to expect? I've been blaming my lack of blogs on the fact that I was Oktoberfesting it all over the place, running here and there with dirndl and clarinet, and I just didn't have the time or energy to blog.

And so I sat down at my computer tonight and realized that that's not necessarily the case. I seem to have something of a case of Blogger's Block.

It's not that I don't have anything to write about. Well, I don't, actually, but that's never stopped me before. I can write 500 words on trying to find a pencil. I just don't have any ideas. I haven't tried to find a pencil in weeks, nor anything else I feel is worth telling.

But I'm on vacation this week, and I had a few things I wanted to accomplish on my five days away from TheCompanyIWorkFor. They were:

1. Have my car serviced. (Doing that tomorrow morning.)
2. Go to my doctor's appointment in R'noke on Thursday. (I didn't really want to do that, but I have to, and we all know how much I like to write about visiting the gynecologist, so maybe it will serve a purpose.)
3. Do a little shopping after the appointment. (This is providing I have a paycheck before I leave.)
4. Drink coffee, stay up late, and sleep late. (Check that off, doing it, but have to get up early tomorrow for the car.)
5. Do a little housecleaning. (Including some organizing, which is pointless, as in my home, organizing is done then lasts for approximately four days.)
6. Shampoo my carpet. (Which I've never done before, and have lived here for almost six years.)

My carpet is beige, and six years of dirt on beige, well, you get the idea. My plan was to go Sunday night to rent a carpet shampooer, spend Monday on the carpets, and bang-zoom, that little task would be crossed off my list.

I didn't go Sunday. I wanted to be lazy. And by damn, I was. I took a long nap. I took a nap so long I didn't bother to eat all day. I took a nap so long I may as well have just stayed in bed till morning.

I didn't go Monday, either. I didn't leave the house. I cleaned, did laundry, puttered around. I was hedging renting the carpet shampooer because of something Mr M had told me. He told me I could probably buy a carpet shampooer pretty cheaply, then I'd have one whenever I wanted it.

Now, I know what you're thinking, because I was thinking it, too. "If I've gone six years with the filth of feet embedded into my carpet, why would I want to purchase my own carpet shampooer?" But oddly enough, I only thought that for a few minutes.

If you've read my blog with any regularity over the years, you probably remember my fabled and storied past with vacuum cleaners. I have owned, in my nearly six years at the Poderosa, six vacuums. Part of the reason for this is because I seem to kill them. It was pointed out to me by my friend, workmate, and mother figure San that this is because for about a year I used Love My Carpet on my floors, and this powder one shakes onto a carpet is never fully sucked out again. This is true. Six years later, I still get white chalky residue when I vacuum. Cleaner Number Seven can't be far behind.

The other part of the reason for this is that I am an incredibly lug-headed soul. I don't know what it is about vacuum cleaners, but they seem to attach themselves to me and I can't shake them loose. I currently have three vacuums. A big one, one I bought on the cheap as I know I'll kill it within the year. A small one, which is a hand-held vacuum that fits into a larger frame one can use to actually vacuum. And when Kellie with an ie was moving, she had a pile of giveaway items she offered to those who helped her pack, and lo and behold, in that pile was a cute little "three in one" model. I jumped on that baby like a rooster on a junebug and brought it home. I now have more vacuums than I can shake a stick at.

So after the initial reaction to Mr M's suggestion of buying my own carpet shampooer wore off, I became quite enamored of the idea, and spent all of Monday having a good think about it. I did some research on prices and user reviews, decided that it didn't really even matter that I've not gotten that aforementioned paycheck yet, have credit card, will travel, and so I went out today to buy a carpet shampooer.

I knew I didn't want to spend over $100. Well, truth be told, I didn't want to spend over $50, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I found two models for the same price, $68. They were made by the same company, one was a cannister model and one was an upright. The upright wasn't familiar to me and the cannister had a basic four-star review from users. The upright had a lot of writing on the box and the cannister had a picture of a dog and a cat on the box. I went with the cannister.

I'm now the owner of three vacuum cleaners and a Bissell Little Green Machine.

I brought it home, in its compact dog-and-cat box with the plastic handle, and got out my instructions. Sounded easy enough. Fill the water tank with water and Little Green cleaning solution, sold separately at $7 a bottle, put on the spraying/sucking brush attachment, plug it in, and let the good times roll.

I should have read a little more between the lines of those user reviews when everyone mentioned the fact that this Little Green was "compact and perfect for stairs and those hard-to-reach places." And while this is true, it's... well, it's a little too true. Because although this machine calls itself a carpet shampooer, I have a feeling it's more for spot-cleaning and not for the whole schmeer, carpetically speaking.

Now, the spray of solution (sold separately at $7 a bottle) that comes out of the spraying/sucking brush attachment is quite wide. So wide that I had to wipe down my books and albums with a paper towel. I wouldn't say it's necessarily a thick spraying, but it's wide. However, because the machine is small, so is the solution tank, and by the time one half of the dennette was sprayed with solution (sold separately, etc), I'd refilled the tank four times and used about one third of the bottle.

One half of the dennette sprayed, I took a break.

The other half of the dennette is where my television and computer desk (the Nerve Center) are, so I got away with only two refills of the solution tank. I let that gel while I went back to the other side and began the business of sucking. And that's where I decided that the Little Green was not so much green (it's a white machine) as it was little.

I mean, the machine itself being small and having to do all those refills, well, that was just minorly annoying. But the spraying/sucking brush attachment is exactly three inches wide, and the hose it attaches to is four feet long. Think of those dimensions in relation to a room of carpet, even the small room that is the dennette, and it's something akin to mowing your yard with a pair of manicure scissors.

So I assumed the position, which was bending over so far that my t-shirt took a dip over my head, and began to suck. And it did suck, I watched water dirtier than the doody water at the local sewage plant go into the dirty water reservoir (which thankfully, doesn't need to be emptied as often as the other is refilled). But it's a slow process, people. I finally took to leaning on the handle of the base of the machine with one hand, and sucking with the other. Blood was rushing to my head like the rush at Niagra Falls.

It took about 90 minutes to do the sucking. Which, in retrospect, doesn't sound so bad, but you try standing on your head for 90 minutes when you're in your mid-forties and then get back to me. If you can.

And imagine my disappointment when, even after emptying out that filth from the dirty water reservoir, I couldn't really tell that much of a difference when I looked at the dennette carpet. However, as I write, it doesn't look half bad. Maybe it was still damp before, or for mental health reasons I've convinced myself now it looks cleaner, or the blood in my head caused me to have a cerebral hemorrhage and I can't think clearly anymore.

After getting my car back from servicing tomorrow, I'll start on the bedroom. That's the smallest carpet space in the house. If I still have any solution (sold separately at $7 a bottle) or water left, I'll get started on the living room. I'm anticipating passing out somewhere around the midway point of that room.

It would be a lot easier if I could just sit down while I'm doing the sucking. But that's impossible because of the solution (sold separately, etc) already on the floor. I'd end up with a bad case of the dampass, and my jeans would soak up the solution and I'd have to refill even more often.

But in any case, I now own a carpet shampooer. Because, you know, in six years I may want to do this all over again.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! So, what are yall going as this Halloween?
- Honorable Mentions go to the DeepFatFriar, with his, "Fried plaintain on tapioca aspic" (somehow I think you could pull that off), and Duke, with his, "Flaming Pile Of Toenails, Alamode!" (although you'd better stick with your original and go as David Dickinson).
- Runner-Up goes to LilyG, with her, "Fruity Pebbles -- orange, tangerine, apple." (You know, that could be done. We're counting on you, Lily.)
- And this week's winner goes to Kellie with an ie, and her, "Feathers. Pointed Orifice. Talking Albatross." (Albatross! Albatross!)
- Thanks to all who played - you've all done very well!