Can You Just Imagine If There Were Two Of Me?

I was getting ready for work today and watching my old nemesis, The Today Show. Lord have mercy, I do dislike that show.

But for the uninitiated, I'll just tell you a snippet of what happens nine - yes, nine - times every single day on that show. At every hour and half-hour, the network goes to the local station for news and weather. And when we link back up with those Today Show Stars, they're always together, either in the studio or out amongst the great unwashed who've shown up to see them and get their faces on the TeeVee. And they tell us what's coming up this half-hour. "Next we'll be interviewing William Shatner, Mr Chef will stop by to show us how to make eggs, we'll give you tips on cleaning your toilet, and Meredith will try to solve the Middle East conflict." Except for one thing. It's a blatant lie, because they tell us what's coming up until the end of the show, but we don't know that till we watch the next half-hour and see that a lot of what they told us was coming didn't come.

And it's annoying, but it's neither here nor there.

Anyway, back to this morning. I was getting ready for work and half-listening to all this in the background, and when The Today Show Stars came back after the local news feed, they were standing amongst the great unwashed. And along with the snow in New England and the presidential race, Matt Lauer said, "And it was reported today that a lab in California has actually cloned a human embryo. So we'll have more on what you need to know about that."

And that made me laugh. I don't know why, but it did. Well, actually, I do know why. It made me laugh because I imagined The Today Show Segment Treatment of the news of a cloned human embryo. Unfortunately, my imagination is all I have, because I had to leave for work before the segment took place. Because, of course, it wasn't in the damn half-hour they advertised it in!

I can just see Matt, there on the uncomfortable stools, with the editors of Ladies Home Journal and Men's Health magazines. He'll ask them all the pertinent questions, well, pertinent to The Today Show viewers. And we'll learn all we need to know about cloned humans.

Like...

* If your ear gets cut off, you don't have to call the Cloning People to get a new one anymore. You can call the Cloning People to get you a whole new person, from whom you can slice the ear of your choice. Then he can call the Cloning People to get a whole new person.
* Women younger than 12 and older than 55 can now have babies out the wazoo.
* Cloned humans may or may not be as sexually viable as uncloned humans.
* It is bad etiquette to point out at dinner parties and other social gatherings that a certain guest may be a clone.
* Cloned humans will probably have a few problems, like dry hair and skin, and a simple homemade concoction of olive oil and avacado will keep them moist and all spiffed up.
* Just before the segment began, Mr Chef pointed out to Matt that clones probably won't have food allergies.
* A relationship with a clone will not only be filled with the problems of all relationships, but a whole new batch, and the non-cloned partner must be extra understanding of this.
* The new Clone Diet will help you lose 12 pounds in one week.
* If your clone is being bullied at school or on a myspace page, you should report this to the authorities.
* For clones in 2008, brown is the new black.

I drove to work imagining our "need to know" segment about cloning, but it wasn't until later in the morning that the revelation hit me.

Finally, The Today Show has an answer to its problems.

As I report every time I talk about this cussed show, the woman they hired to replace the odious Katie Couric, yes, that bucket of wallpaper paste known as Meredith Vieira, leaves her Today Show post every single day at 9:00. That's two hours before the show actually ends.

Now, through the miracle of cloning, they can have her until the show leaves the air at 11:00!

And so it's true what they say. You know, about the power of all this science being a little scary.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* I spent the evening playing with my new clarinet ligature. Thumbs up from me.