In Bed, In My Pants, With Dire Consequences

Until about five years ago, I'd never heard of the "In Bed" game. I learned it from someone 20 years my junior. Apparently all these years I've been reading my fortune cookies incorrectly, because this young whippersnapper informed me that after reading one's fortune, the cookie-chewer is then supposed to add the words "in bed." You know - "He who eats duck has luck. In bed."

Well, when I'm with friends who know about the "In Bed" Fortune Cookie Rule, I use it. When I'm not, I don't. I'm not tied to it - well, I don't think I am. I probably have been guilty in some cases of reading my fortune aloud to an assembled throng, then quickly thinking to myself, "In bed!" Just to see if it fits.

Some time ago my buddy Stennie told me she had a great idea for the "Movies" segment of our Hucklebug podcast. As you may or may not know, this is the segment of our podcast where we each name the movies we've seen in the past week and give 30 second reviews of them. Stennie said she wasn't telling me her fun idea until we were recording, and I was fine with that. Turns out her idea was to, after saying the title of each movie we'd seen, add "in my pants." You know, had I been aware she was going to spring that game on me, I'd have been sure to watch "That Thing You Do! (in my pants)," "The Seven Samurai (in my pants)," "The Sound of Music (in my pants)," "Mr Hulot's Holiday (in my pants)," "The Man Who Came to Dinner (in my pants)," and "They Call Me MISTER Tibbs! (in my pants)."

Now and then, when I'm least expecting it, Stennie will mention a movie on the Hucklebug and add "in my pants," and it never fails to crack me up.

The other day Stennie put up a new blog, called "Consequences, Schmonsequences." She told us how she got tickled at reading something on her TV information guide. It went like this: "The new maid of a wealthy family befriends the local postmistress, with dire consequences." She then hit the "info" button on the TV digital guide again, and started adding "with dire consequences" to the end of each. She invited us to do the same, and so I thought I'd pull up my own TV information guide and give it a go.

Maury Povich: Guests who believe they've witnessed paranormal activity discuss their experiences, with dire consequences.

The Andy Griffith Show: Opie spices up his penny newspaper by adding gossip he's overheard from Andy, Barney, and Aunt Bee, with dire consequences.

Fetch! With Ruff Ruffman: The second season ends with the kids competing to become the show's grand champion, with dire consequences.

Manna For Today: A weekly series featuring Bible teachings, with dire consequences.

Monk: The head of the West Coast mob asks if Monk can take the case when a barbershop is the scene of a shooting, with dire consequences. (I have a feeling there are dire consequences any time Mr Monk is involved.)

Snoop Dogg's Father Hood: Snoop tries to get more black Americans to play hockey, with dire consequences.

Mad Money: Colorful financial analyst Jim Cramer offers his insights into the market, with dire consequences. (Wonder if he was responsible for that stock market debacle earlier in the week?)

30-Minute Meals: A Greek-inspired meal is prepared, with dire consequences.

The Beverly Hillbillies: Jed gets an honorary doctorate when he donates money to a college, with dire consequences.

Cash Cab: Unsuspecting NYC taxi passengers are subjected to a trivia quiz, with dire consequences.

Rock of Love 2: The ladies compete in a peep-show contest, with dire consequences. Later, Bret holds a dance-off, and three contestants are eliminated, with dire consequences.

Clean House: Host Niecy Nash brings a sense of humor to the task of overhauling clutter-ridden homes, with dire consequences. (Everyone should know by now that cleaning house is not a laughing matter.)

M*A*S*H: BJ and Hawkeye go to extremes to get Charles to give up the French horn, with dire consequences.

Hannah Montana: Jackson is hired by Miley to be Hannah Montana's new assistant, with dire consequences.

Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares: The Fenwick Arms, a mismanaged pub in rural Lancashire, England, is advised to get rid of its complex menu and get back to the basics, with dire consequences.

And that's just what's on right now. What if I want to watch during prime-time?

FOX - Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?: The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders assist a contestant, a paramedic from California who happens to be a Cowboys fan, with dire consequences. (Paramedic, heal thyself!)

ABC - Ugly Betty: Betty's assignment to interview a writer is spoiled by a case of mistaken identity, with dire consequences; Daniel is surprised to learn he's closer to his new love interest than he imagined, with dire consequences; Marc helps Amanda in her quest to meet her biological father, with dire consequences. (This show is just teeming with dire consequences - all this in 30 minutes?)

NBC - Chuck: When a contingent of Russian arms dealers descends upon Los Angeles for a clandestine meeting, Chuck discovers that one Russian lady may share a romantic past with Casey, with dire consequences.

CBS - CSI:NY: A 19-year-old woman is murdered in her bed at the hospital where she's being treated following a car accident she caused while driving drunk, with dire consequences. (I would think those were the dire consequences.)

PBS - Doctors on Call: A panel of health care providers answers viewers' questions on a specific topic, with dire consequences. (See they're not really doctors, they just play them on TV.)

E! - Celebrity Plastic Surgery: A report on celebrities who have undergone plastic surgery, with dire consequences. (Well, Michael Jackson springs to mind.)

HGTV - Designed to Sell: A plain bachelor pad is spruced up, with dire consequences.

Soap Network - All My Children: Ryan starts acting even more strangely, with dire consequences. (Come on, on the soaps, sitting around clipping your fingernails has dire consequences.)

FLN - The Martha Stewart Show: Martha prepares an egg-white and avocado salad, with dire consequences. (I hope it doesn't land her back in jail.)

While I was doing these, I started to realize I was leaving a lot of people in some damn dire circumstances. So let's do a few more, only changing "with dire consequences" to "and hilarity ensues."

Survivorman: Les Stroud is stranded on Costa Rica's Osa Peninsula, armed with swimming goggles, three ballpoint pens, a multi-tool, and the clothes he's wearing, and hilarity ensues.

Atomic Twister: A series of powerful tornadoes threatens to destroy a nuclear power plant in a small Southern town, and hilarity ensues.

Most Evil: The motive of revenge is investigated, and hilarity ensues.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent: A promising young violinist is brutally murdered while her mother, a famous opera singer, is performing, and hilarity ensues.

CSI: Grissom investigates the mysterious hanging death of a young man whose body looks like that of a female, and hilarity ensues.

The Winter X Games: The 12th action-sports festival opens in Aspen, Colorado, and hilarity ensues.

Larry King Live: The trial of Mark Jensen for the 1998 murder of his wife is discussed, and hilarity ensues.

Celebrity Rehab With Dr Drew: Entertainers enter treatment for substance-abuse problems under the guidance of Dr Drew Pinsky, and hilarity ensues.

Extreme Makeover: The "Extreme Team" goes to work on a newly single high school counselor and a 36-year-old sales rep, and hilarity ensues.

Yes, hilarity ensues. In my pants.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Hey! Check out my blogrolling links on the left there. I've done some adding and subtracting. Out are Flipsycab and Krizzer, whose blogs I miss, and if you two ever decide to take blogging back up, please let me know. Added are our very own Duke's It's A Noir World, which contains movie stuff, stories, and current events, and In The New, which is written by Jen, and is dedicated to her mission of doing one new thing every single day of her 29th year. I don't know Jen at all, read about her blog on cnn.com, but I like her, her mission, and her blog.
* And speaking of doing new things, I did something I've wanted to do for years. I thanked a teacher. I saw my 10th grade English teacher today, and finally worked up the nerve to tell him how much he made me love writing, and how he'd inspired me. I don't know why something like that is so hard to do, but he seemed to genuinely appreciate the compliment.