Dumb Cookie

I certainly got a shock yesterday. Yes, I found out, my friends and blogees, that I have been living right smack-dab under an assumption.

I learned the sad truth as I was getting ready for work yesterday morning, a freezing cold early Monday after a long weekend. It was as if the Hand of Fate waited till times couldn't get much worse, then reached down to pinch my head off. And not only that, but I had to learn this fact - while cold, sleepy, and headless - from The Today Show, the bane of my morning existence.

You see, I wouldn't say I'm exactly filled with self-confidence. If you've read at least 10 of the approximately 1000 blogs I've amassed here over the last 6 years, you should know that. But in a rather humble way, there's one area where I thought I maybe had a little bit on the ball. And that's in the general region of my noggin.

I always thought I was fairly bright.

I mean, I know I make the colossal blunder from time to time, and when I do I generally write about it. I get frustrated floating around blindly in the world of computer technology. I've been diagnosed as a Pod by Mr M, and my friend, workmate, and mother figure San once said, "I've walked barefoot through your mind. It's a scary place." But I don't know, I do well at Jeopardy. I remember lots of things, even if they're things that one doesn't necessarily need to lead a successful life. I scored over 5 million points in Text Twist. I've learned how to flash up my blog in html (well, with help and advice), and make a 13-second movie starring a yodeling pickle.

But yesterday as I was getting dressed, The Today Show laid this bit of wisdom on me. Married people are smarter than single people.

Those Today Show Bastards opened their segment with the simple question. "Are married people smarter than single people?" Well, surely not, I said to myself. At best, inconclusive results. But as the segment continued, an obviously married (as was the Today Show moderator) woman went on to extol the intellectual superiority of the married person. And the longer she talked, the lower my jaw began to hang.

Now, let's get two disclaimers out of the way right now. First of all, if you're reading this and you're married, I'm not calling you dumb. OK? And second of all, as all things go, I'd like to think that your marital status has nothing whatsoever to do with how smart you may or may not be.

Anyway, as I said, "As all things go." But as this talking yoo-hoo continued on, I sat on my bed and began to think. I know a good deal of people. And I'll be right up front and say I know a good deal more single people well than married people. But if I took all the people I know and had to pick the top five or ten smartest, 90% of them would be single.

To me, it's a given. Single people, well, live alone. They run a household, do household tasks and household business. They do the things that are normally split between husband and wife. I take care of my house, my finances, and can give myself a pedicure, paint rooms, put up window blinds, and do small fix-it jobs. And I'm smart enough to know when fix-it jobs are small, or then I hire out. You show me married couples who hire out before the husband completely destroys a large household appliance or the plumbing of an entire house.

Single people also have free range of ideas. If I want to like opera and NASCAR and aerobics and feng shui (though in reality I detest all those things), I can. I always think of married couples as having one mind. If the man loves baseball, the woman grows to love it, too. Then they have kids who get put on baseball teams, and they become a baseball family. Suddenly life revolves around going to baseball games. "You know, before the kids came along, I used to be right on top of my Hummel porcelain figure-collecting skills. Now I couldn't tell you one figure from the other. Except the little boy playing baseball."

Oh, but this is not true, says Thomas Crook, Ph.D. He says it right here.

If you'll look at the article, you'll notice right off the bat that Dr Phoodnick there is a neuroscientist. To me, that says that the fellow has a little bit on the ball brain-wise, and something tells me that being married didn't win him his Ph.D. But that's just me. Anyway, Dr Doctor turns this article into a tome of love for his dear wife, and leaves me wondering if he's done something recently to piss her off in a big way, but he tells us all about how she makes sure to learn new facts every day, and then she brings those new facts home and shares them with little ol' him.

Well, that's fine. What if a man's married to someone as dumb as a bag of hair? To someone who has no interest in anything other than eating bon-bons and watching "The Guiding Light?" How in the hell is that going to make him smarter? Sure, the wife might learn a few new tricks, like how to program the remote control, but the husband's going to lose upwards of 50 IQ points in the duration of the marriage. And vice versa. I'm not picking on women here. I am one, you know. You show me a woman who works an office job and comes home to a husband whose evenings are filled with taxidermy and World Wide Wrestling, and I'll show you a gal who ain't gettin' any smarter.

Ah, but there's the rub, says, Mr Dr Ph.D. You have to work at it. And not only does he say that, he gives you smart couples a laundry list of things you need to do, which, if you're so damn smart, what does it matter anyway? But let's go ahead and have a look.

1. Take dancing lessons. It's apparently a great brain workout, combining the physical and mental. I do that. Alone. It's called "Workout Tapes."

2. Watch movies. This gives you the opportunity to discuss plots and characters. I watch movies. Alone. Normally around 100 a year. I discuss them. With friends.

3. Throw a party for a diverse group of people. Apparently, because you're married, this makes you smarter because not only can you be at a party with a diverse group of people, like any single person can also do, but you can "discuss what you learned the next day." Guess what, Ph.D Crook - I do that too. We all do it. It's called "gossip."

4. Learn a language together. Any single person can learn a new language. The only possible advantage marrieds may have is that they can throw words back and forth when at home. However, that small victory is all but washed away by Dr Neuro's next suggestion, and no, I'm not making this up. "Or sign up for Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day." So, let me get this straight. As a single person, I can't go in and learn a new word a day and increase my vocabulary, thus making myself more intelligent and coming off as a complete and utter boor at those parties full of diverse people? Why do married people get to have all the fun?

5. Take on a home project to learn each other's skills. So a woman can re-wire a lamp and a man can learn about decorating, says the Good Ph.D, but as I said above, single people already know how to do both those anyway, so why don't you and your new-fact-a-day-finding wife just piss off out of my life.

Anyway, I'm not believing a single word of it, it's hogwash, and my single friends are smart. I mean, Jesus, they're smart enough to not get married.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinner. We have a single acrowinner. Which brings me to this question - are you all sick of acrochallenge? If you are, please don't be afraid to say so. I won't hurt my feelings, and will relieve me of trying to think up a topic every week. Does someone want to submit topics? Would you like it on a different night, say a weekend night? I'm easy, I can change it, move it, or delete it. The acrotopic was "Things That Suck About Modern Life."
- This week's winner is the DeepFatFriar, with his simple but profound, "Living's easy; murder's not." DeepFatFriar's single, you know.